Former pet neglect :(21+

So I have a really difficult story to share. It's about one of my kitty cats. My girlfriend and I found her in a parking garage around 6 years ago, and we initially took her in as a foster. We did everything we could to try to find her original owners before moving on to trying to get her taken in at a no-kill shelter. Nobody would take her, so she ended up becoming our cat. This probably wasn't the most wise idea considering I also have a senior cat (10-11 at the time) that had a urinary tract disease that was super sensitive to stress. I stupidly thought that we would be able to introduce them and that they might live in harmony. This was a pipe dream, and they absolutely hated each other. We continued to try. About 6 months into having her, we moved across the country and then Covid happened. We ended up having to move from our original planned apartment into a studio due to a change in roommate plans, so we had 2 cats that didn't get along in a studio. We tried to make due with what we could, and we got a pet gate to separate the bathroom/small hallway/laundry closet from the living/bedroom area. Our new kitty was living in that hallway bathroom area, which looking back was entirely too small for a cat. We didn't have room for a cat tree, but I believe I tried to do my best to let her into the main area to hang out and explore when my old man cat was sleeping. We also occasionally would take her to our building's outdoor area on a leash, but she was not a fan. Still, I know this wasn't enough. It's already bad enough, but there are a few things that made this a lot worse. First, whenever we left the apartment we had to put our young girl in the bathroom to keep her from climbing the gate and fighting our other kitty while we were away. This led to her being in that bathroom for quite a few hours at a time, which I feel insanely guilty about. It was not a large bathroom, and I would never do the same now. Second, my girlfriend and I did not do a good job at keeping a clean house. We both struggle with mental illness (my OCD was very severe at this time and I was going through a multi-year real event fixation that ate almost every waking moment. I ended up coping with a lot of weed and alcohol). So the already small area was messy a lot of the time. The third and worst part of it all is that we lived like this for around 3 years. So for about 3 years of this sweet young girl's life, she knew confinement and understimulation. I tried to spend a lot of time with her and to make sure she could explore the rest of the apartment when the old man was sleeping, but I feel I still didn't do this enough. I can't believe I let her live in such a small messy place for so long. I don't know how I even justified this. I feel like a neglectful monster. I feel so guilty for giving my senior cat priority when it came to his space. I had no idea how long he would be with us, and I've had him since I was 10 so I didn't want to completely uproot and change his lifestyle. But this came at the expense of our younger girl, and I feel it's impossible to forgive myself. I let her down. I neglected her. What I did was considered animal abuse. I know she probably should have gone to live with someone else at that point, I feel like I couldn't see just how bad things had gotten. Well we've been living in a new place for about 2 years now. Both kitties are alive and well, and we now live in a 2 bedroom (the old man lives in our room and our girl roams the kitchen/living room area). We utilize a cardboard gate to let them explore parts of each other's areas when we can. We still struggle with cleanliness, but we're working on it and we make sure she always has clean water, food, and litter. I admittedly still struggled with keeping the litterboxes clean until recently due to the sensory problems of it all, but I've been doing much better than I used to. Our young girl now enjoys laying in the windowsill and hanging out on our couches and chairs. She always greets me in the mornings with a trill, and she frequently approaches with that happy upright question mark tail. Just yesterday she was making biscuits on my stomach. She still likes to play a lot, and I really need to get better at doing that every single day (still struggling with mental health and depression, partially because my old man cat has been going through it recently). So I feel like she probably isn't too traumatized, but there's no way of knowing. She is very loving and social, but also skittish. I feel like it doesn't matter. I feel like I don't deserve to still care for her because of what I put her through. I was 20 when I got her, and that was old enough to know and do better. I'm so sad that she spent nearly half her life like that. It makes me hate myself so much. I feel like she should have been taken away from me for all of that. I feel so guilty that she is still the sweetest girl after going through all of this. I just can't believe I put this darling girl, a sentient living creature, through that hell for 3 years. I don't know what to do or how to proceed. I just know that I am deeply, deeply sorry and regretful. I wish I could do it all again. I feel like it doesn't matter how hard I try now. I don't deserve her.

jecs

Date posted: 25d

Honestly, I'm a beginner. I wish I had an answer. I was trying to just share that I know the feeling.

jecs

Date posted: 25d

I try my best to stay in the present and concentrate on what I am doing now not what was.

garba

Date posted: 25d

Well thank you so much <3 I'm sorry for the venting, I'm just in a bad way right now. I hope you get to feeling better soon

jecs

Date posted: 25d

I hear you. I have been in a similar situation. You have to forgive yourself you were doing the best you could.

garba

Date posted: 25d

Thank you :( That's the thing though, I wasn't doing the best I could. I had pangs of guilt about this while it was going on, and I could have at least been more proactive about spending time with her. I feel like she didn't like the gate situation because it was hard for her to see us even though we were in the same room. Not a lot of natural light reached over there because it was on the opposite end of the studio from where the windows were. I just feel like I was so self absorbed and stuck in my own head and mental illness that I didn't care about her living conditions and entertainment as much as I definitely should have. I'm trying so hard to be better. I'm just afraid that it's too late, and that no matter what her life is like now and in the future, I shouldn't be allowed to have her and I should give her up to someone that deserves her. I have no plans on doing this, as she seems relatively happy now and we're all she knows. But my brain keeps telling me that that's "right" and by continuing to be her mom I'm being selfish.

garba

Date posted: 25d

If you don't mind me asking, how have you forgiven yourself and moved forward in your situation? I feel so stuck. And every time I go a few weeks feeling ok, it all comes back and the guilt and shame flood me all over again.

🖤BrokenChaos🖤

Date posted: 21w

My Story ~ TW

TW!!! I was born with dr*gs in my system as an illegitimate child; alone, tired, sick, rashy, dirty, and unloved. This became the first nearly 4 years of my life. I had no fear of strangers and believed that the pain I felt was just "normal." I did not know how to be bathed, go to the bathroom, or get dressed. All I knew was the dark, the itchiness, and the pain. I was brought to my parents' house on Feburary 18th, 2011, along with my brother who suffered from horribly deadly bronchitis and pneumonia at 4 months old, also dirty. Growing up with my new- no, my true family- I learned what love was. I learned what a smile, a hug, a goodnight story was. I learned that you celebrate birthdays and there's a thing called Christmas where you get presents for behaving well. I learned that life was more than suffering. Then, I never grew up. Some days I was mature, while other days I would act younger and was scrutinized by my peers. I couldn't understand for the life of me, why I seemed so different. I was 6 when I realized that I wasn't like everyone else. I realized that talking out of turn or getting super excited because I saw a catepillar or being bubbly and humorous was almost unacceptable. "Grow up," "why do you act like this?" "What is wrong with you??" The nightmares started too. I'd be in an alleyway or in my bed and someone would put a g*n to my head, make me do whatever they wanted. I don't remember any SA before this, but my biomom did have many guys over when I was little. I learned to eventually LIKE those dreams. I wasn't scared anymore, I just learned that I had to s*duce them in order to k*ll them so that I don't d*e. To this day, I still have them. I became angry at myself for not hitting that "normal," no matter how hard I tried. I was scared of being abandoned again. Scared of being alone. Tired of not feeling enough. I would snap any time I felt like I disappointed someone or someone tried to put me down. I would threaten whoever tried to bully me that I would st*b them. And I did with a sharpened pencil or a mechanical pencil because I was just so TIRED of feeling like I wasn't enough. This started 3rd grade and ended in 6th. The insults grew from just "Why can't you be normal?" "What is wrong with you??" to "You're a psychopath." "Crazy b*tch!!" When I'm angry, I laugh hysterically. I started not to care in the slightest, and embraced their insults, although, this lasted only about a month. 7th grade happened, and puberty hit, causing my BPD to really develop and spiraled into panic attacks and severe depression. I started to have SI, which was only fueled by the s*icide of a classmate. 8th grade was covid, and I was better because no one was calling me names or challenging me, but people now feared me. It felt good to have that control: I wasn't being hurt anymore. After 8th grade, a lot of my friends didn't want anything to do with me. In 9th grade I was manipulated and SAed by people I thought were my friends. But I didn't want to be alone again, so I listened to them and no one else, not even my parents. I was so under their control, if they told me to jump off a bridge because I could fly, I wouldn't hesitate. In tenth grade, I went to my current school and wasn't bothered with, but the damage was done. I felt vulnerable, lonely, scared, and just exhausted. In the summer of that year, I bought a burner phone and flirted with men up to 35 years older than me for the attention. I just wanted someone to like me, maybe even love me. I became obsessed and when the WiFi was disconnected from it, I flipped out. I ran away for almost 24hours before the cops found me. I was then sent to a residential in Oklahoma (that was literal hell) and was threatened and ab*sed there. I came home nearly 2 years ago and I'm still struggling from the trauma. Now, I have a fiance and my family, but that's it. I have a ton of medical and mental issues that hurt me daily. Everyday is hard, but I finally want to live. I want to love. I want to be free.

emma345

Date posted: 20w

Scared to interact with my cat because of zocd

NSFW 17f So basically I did something sexual to the cat when I was younger. It wasn't like full on bestiality, my privates weren't touching the cat and I wasn't touching the cats privates but it was still sexual. I didn't know what I was doing was wrong. It didn't harm the cat in any way, but of course it's still horrible. So I developed real event ocd that ruined my life complitely. Most of the time I don't think I will male it to 20. Sometimes it's a living hell. I developed it more than a year ago and I barely even remember this year cause I was so consumed with guilt it was the only thing in my head. So i also developed zoophilia ocd because of it. And I feel so bad cause I can't interact with my cat anymore. Because she wants to and I have to ignore her. Slowly I started to be scared to let her on my bed. So I stopped. Then in my room. Stopped doing that too. I still tried to give her some attention just outside of my room. Then I got scared to touch her. So I stopped doing that, but I used her brush to pet her with it and her toys to play with her so i don't physically touch her. Then my ocd went like but what if you are subconsciously using her for sexual gratification when you look at her? So now I can't even look at my cat. I look away when she is around, block my sight with a hand, close my eyes or if I can I leave. But the heartbreaking part is. Before I remembered what I did I was giving my cat a lot of attention. Like everyone says I'm her favorite and she only allows me to hold her and pet her the certain ways. So for all that time she is desperately trying to get my attention. She jumps on my rooms door, meows for a long time, tries to sneak in my room and stuff like that. And It's so sad I just have to ignore her. Especially cause she doesn't understands why. She was getting so much love and then randomly she is being ignored?? idk her real age cause we took her from the street, but she lives with us for 13 years, so she is not young. She is pretty healthy so I don't think she is going to die any soon but still. if I never get over it she will spend her last years of life ignored. and this makes me want to cry and want to throw up. but I don't know what to do. if I touch her I start freaking out and convincing myself that I used her somehow for sexual stuff even if I didn't do anything like that. I'm so scared. and also sad for her. and I miss my cat tbh. like everhtime I have to close my door when she tried to enter I feel so bad. but I'm so scared. because after what I did to her I'm already a monster. I don't want to add anything else. but I also feel bad for ignoring her.

emma345

Date posted: 16w

Please help zocd

tw: nsfw 17f I have a real even ocd from a sexual event with an animal (my cat) from where I was younger. Remembering it ruined my life and made it a living hell. It was bad. It's not one of those innocent events people always assume because I have ocd and then they get all surprised when it was actually bad and sexual. (animal wasn't harmed though) So basically I developed I fear of interacting or even looking at animals after I remembered so I was avoiding my cat like crazy, but then I realized that it's cruel to ignore an animal who wants love and attention, so I forced myself to overcome it kinda. I basically downloaded a habit tracker where I mark when I was able to pet my cat cause while it's triggering I want to give my cat love and I'm trying to pet her everyday So yesterday I was petting the cat. And she was extremely enthusiastic about it. Like she was almost throwing herself on me to get more pets like kinda agressive at this point to get pets. I started thinking how animals go in heat in spring. But she is like sterilized so I wasnt sure its possible for her. Like maybe they are just more active in spring? But what if the pets are somehow sexual for the cat? Then I thought maybe I shouldn't pet her then cause that's wrong. But then I thought like who cares and also then it will be like this the whole spring should I just not touch her the whole spring and ignore her again? I was also tired a bit so I wasn't thinking it all through that much Now I'm freaking out so bad. Like I knew there was a possibility that it was sexual for the cat and still continued petting her I didn't stop. It's so bad. Like I thought its whatever since it's not sexual for me but now I'm freaking out. Like the whole me being a better person and learning on my mistakes after that one earlier event was for nothing if I was able to do something like this I'm freaking out so bad

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Former pet neglect :(21+

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