Today was a very difficuly day. I went into a big city with my friends and I lost traction of how many times I had a triggering episode with triggers. One was undeniable and disgusting. I think it's over.
Thats okay. You did an exposure that is a 10 on the anxiety level scale. And you did it well. Maybe try something less scary before you go out into public. Maybe watching a kids show would be a better exposure. Youre freaking out because the anxiety is telling you too. You are not your anxiety. You are not your OCD. Keep going!
like i wasnt interested nor felt desire, but the moment that with my corner of the eye i saw a se&ual looking pose i immmediately felt a reaction. And then I slowly realised she was wearing a fit that was perfectly resembling an attractive adult fit that i would be normally attracted by, but in miniature. And I slowly realised that, that "attractive" fit/look worked perfectly, i was able to perceive "attractiveness" on the literal body of a literal trigger. And it messed me up a lot. I felt like a ****. It happened at like 6 pm and now it's almost midnight and it still weighs on me. I feel like this is an another episode, undeniable one of proof. I feel like after that I started noticing triggers more, particularly those that i guess looked pretty but were wearing "revealing" inappropriate clothes.
@ivefailed. Youre seeking reassurance. Just go on with your day. I know its hard but you will find peace if you do!
@slippery_salad i try but i cannot accept nor tolerate that i found a trigger to look se&ually attractive, regardless of it being an ocd manipulation or not. im ashamed by myself. i dont even remember. a normal person wouldn't have been able to perceive such thing, if not a creep. Im starting to think bad thoughts abt myself.
@ivefailed. The fact that you cant accept or tolerate it is huge. A pedofile doesnt think twice about their actions and even if they do, at the end of the day, they want to be around children. Do you want to be around kids??
@slippery_salad nope but that doesnt change whatever i perceived. it shouldn't have been possible to perceive attractiveness and se&uality. im devastated.
@ivefailed. Be devastated then. Feel it until it goes away.
@slippery_salad thank you, i will, you're kind. but even if that feeling passes, it won't make whatever i perceived and felt ok, will it? that's what creates this future chronic guilt.
@ivefailed. Im in the same boat brother haha. Except mine are mistakes Ive made in the past. No matter how much you think it is real or know youre culpable, you never really know. And so for me, just saying maybe its true, maybe its not has helped tremendouslyđ©·
Hi, last year I had a trigger with my little cousin that made me spiral. Then that thought lead to another and lead to another thought and another one and so on and I've been feeling stuck (with ups and downs) over a year now. I hit rock bottom in July/August and that lead me to going to the psychiatrist. I am taking meds now, but I still feel bad. It doesn't take as much time of my life anymore but it is constantly back there in my mind. It's the feeling that I'm ignoring and undoubtable truth that soonest or later will come out, or that rejecting, or that I'm resisting. That's why it's been impossible for me to do ERP, because I think it's going to make me want to touch myself and if I do I'll feel bad. And then it feels like I like the thoughts, not only physically (groinals) but mentally??? It's like a brain fog that I can't tag between pleasure or confusion. And that thought leads me to thinking about the alleged "non-offending" ps and if that could be me. And that thought leads me to think OH MY GOD I can't BELIEVE I am a girl in my twenties obsessing over this I can't believe this is my life.
I have hold back my tears . Iâm trying so hard to play it off. I canât think about it anything without on the verge of falling apart . I have no self control over my mind . Iâm scared. Is this a psychosis . I have barely eaten in days . My stomach is growling but I have no appetite. Idk whatâs going on . Normally if I have a rough week I can fight it but I canât fight it this time. My biggest fear is loosing my bf. Iâm spending the day with him and all I can do it think about whatâs gonna happen when I leave .
This is my first post. I know I need to work on sharing and asking for help, so I am sharing my first journaled day of after group exposures. Perhaps someone can give me a new perspective. Today I had 4 hours of intensive outpatient therapy that I am currently undergoing and it's 3 days a week. Also, 2-4 hours of after every group assignments called exposures to complete for ERP. Today I am supposed to drive to a homeless shelter and sit with my distress, letting it reside naturally. My first attempt at going to the homeless shelter, I was feeling very sudsy on the way there and had to stop once to go to the pet store to run an actual errand on my way to do the exposure. The thought had entered my mind that if I bought a fish I would just head home and not do the exposure so I could get the fish in the tank. So I acknowledged it as the anxiety and proceeded to head to the homeless shelter. I then realized I did not bring a drink and feel overwhelmingly compelled to go home. My physical symptoms were very strong at this time and I was only 1/4 of the way there. I did feel very nauseous but decided to get a drink on the way and continue. I feel as though my mind is fighting the exposures more than usual and the feeling of dread is stronger. I arrived at where I would turn in to park and immediately panicked when I saw the people standing around. I couldn't go back around and quickly left the area. Peak suds 90 specifically when I had seen the homeless people on the property. Low suds 50 in an hour and 10 mins. It was another hour or so before they came down to a tolerable 25/30. On my second attempt at 7pm, I arrived. On the way here, I acknowledged the presence of intrusive thoughts out load. A thought had entered my mind that I was having physical symptoms from the suds. My heart rate was up and it was hard for me to swallow because my throat felt like it was closing. My suds went up and down from 30 to 70 as an assortment of intrusive thoughts occurred. The last 5 .minutes of the drive was hard. As I was approaching a stop light, after seeing a large number on homeless outside in one particular area, (50-75 people) an image entered my mind of seeing myself homeless on that corner. My suds went up to 85/90 seeing myself in my mind sitting on the concrete under the bypassing with my knees in my chest and my face buried in shame. I turned up my music and moved onto my next thoughts while driving with suds still at a 70. I arrived at the homeless shelter 3 minuets later as was able to park. I had also been crying on the way there of dreading the exposure. I had also had a very high suds when I made a mistake by not turning on red and the person behind me, went around me. As he passed, he loudy announced that he was flustered by my mistake and called me out before going around me. I felt so embarrassed and completed the turn after he was up far enough that I wasn't near him. Unfortunately I ended up at the next red light next to him. I consciously pulled up further so he wasn't able to see my face. He slowly crept up next to me and stopped to hollar into my open window "I know you're tired and all" and I was frozen solid. I was paralyzed and was just staring at the light begging in my head for it to turn green so I could move for what felt like an hour. I was notice and confronted which is my worst fear when making a mistake. It confirmed in that moment that I was being judged. While at the homeless shelter, I noticed myself looking around the area and not concentrating on the building. It made me more sudsy when I looked at the building number on the front so I moved my car closer and parked directly in front of the plaque that read Home of Bethlehem Haven. I looked directly at the number on the building and reading the plaque and sat with my suds until my suds reduced by half. Peak suds 80 low suds 40 in 9 mins Suds peaked at 80 when the vision occurred in my mind that the next step may be walking into the homeless shelter and asking for information. I immediately refocused on the front of the building to reduce my suds oddly and I didn't know what they meant but it struck me as weird. I began looking away and back at the number until my suds were at a 30. I encouraged myself to stay for a while 20 mins with my suds fluctuating. I said out loud several times "I might live here someday" at first quietly and then decided if I am going to say it, say it in my regular voice and not whisper it. 10-20 suds going up and down with the vocals. Upon leaving the area, my suds had gone down to 20 on the way home. My suds varied and swelled, as I began ruminating about the experience. I put my music on and drove home. I want to break the habit of chewing on the inside of my cheek. When I get nervous, it's really sudzy, because my jaw tends to hurt after having a very Suzy day. I also started engaging in some deep thought about why I do certain things. And I realized that I have watched every episode of intervention to watch how bad these people get, and I'm doing so to try to scare myself straight. So I don't end up in that situation. Cause I feel as though. If it does get bad in my life that I will give up completely. I'm afraid of giving up not being homeless. And I did begin journaling my exposures, because I feel that a lot goes on during my exposures that I'm not sharing, because I have forgotten, and I am not great at remembering details unless I write them down at the time. That's why I write things down so much. But it occurred to me, and it always felt like there was something more to my core fear and though I am absolutely terrified of being homeless again and being helpless. I felt that there were parallel themes in my other triggers not relating to being homeless, such as accidentally hurting my puppy. So, there was just always something that made me uncertain. I had an Aha moment when it occurred to me, that perhaps my actual core fear is giving up for good. I also want to note that I theorize the reason a homeless shelter is scary is because it would mean that I gave up for good. It is that would be a much more serious and long term outcome. More final. When I had been homeless in the past and sleeping not under a real roof (shed/car/truck) it had been relatively short term (a few days to weeks). Where as a homeless shelter signifies the shame and embarrassment of giving up. It brings up the disappointment in how my life has been changed for the worse. For the way I have been damaged by the people who were supposed to be the one that would protect me with their lives. Not ruin mine. Earlier today I sat with the distress of not engaging in any kind of relationship with my father or step mother because it is in my best interest. Peak suds 90 and stayed at 60 for an hour throughout dinner.
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