Today was a very difficuly day. I went into a big city with my friends and I lost traction of how many times I had a triggering episode with triggers. One was undeniable and disgusting. I think it's over.
Thats okay. You did an exposure that is a 10 on the anxiety level scale. And you did it well. Maybe try something less scary before you go out into public. Maybe watching a kids show would be a better exposure. Youre freaking out because the anxiety is telling you too. You are not your anxiety. You are not your OCD. Keep going!
like i wasnt interested nor felt desire, but the moment that with my corner of the eye i saw a se&ual looking pose i immmediately felt a reaction. And then I slowly realised she was wearing a fit that was perfectly resembling an attractive adult fit that i would be normally attracted by, but in miniature. And I slowly realised that, that "attractive" fit/look worked perfectly, i was able to perceive "attractiveness" on the literal body of a literal trigger. And it messed me up a lot. I felt like a ****. It happened at like 6 pm and now it's almost midnight and it still weighs on me. I feel like this is an another episode, undeniable one of proof. I feel like after that I started noticing triggers more, particularly those that i guess looked pretty but were wearing "revealing" inappropriate clothes.
@ivefailed. Youre seeking reassurance. Just go on with your day. I know its hard but you will find peace if you do!
@slippery_salad i try but i cannot accept nor tolerate that i found a trigger to look se&ually attractive, regardless of it being an ocd manipulation or not. im ashamed by myself. i dont even remember. a normal person wouldn't have been able to perceive such thing, if not a creep. Im starting to think bad thoughts abt myself.
@ivefailed. The fact that you cant accept or tolerate it is huge. A pedofile doesnt think twice about their actions and even if they do, at the end of the day, they want to be around children. Do you want to be around kids??
@slippery_salad nope but that doesnt change whatever i perceived. it shouldn't have been possible to perceive attractiveness and se&uality. im devastated.
@ivefailed. Be devastated then. Feel it until it goes away.
@slippery_salad thank you, i will, you're kind. but even if that feeling passes, it won't make whatever i perceived and felt ok, will it? that's what creates this future chronic guilt.
@ivefailed. Im in the same boat brother haha. Except mine are mistakes Ive made in the past. No matter how much you think it is real or know youre culpable, you never really know. And so for me, just saying maybe its true, maybe its not has helped tremendously🩷
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