Impulsive moment?

I had an experience recently with my daughter that left me very anxious and confused. She wanted to cuddle, which usually makes me feel nervous, but I allowed it, thinking I could manage my discomfort by setting boundaries. As she lay across my arm, I became very aware of where my body was in relation to hers. I was especially anxious about the possibility of accidental or inappropriate contact, and in trying to avoid it, I ended up hyper-focusing on the position of my elbow. I noticed I was moving slightly in response to that anxiety touching her chest with my elbow- almost like a repeated checking behavior, which made me feel deeply uncomfortable after it was all over. What worries me most is that I ended up repeating the movement and it felt intentional in the moment, but I can’t tell if it was anxiety-driven or something worse. I think I was wanting to touch her chest and repeat the movement but it happened quickly. Could it be that it was driven but impulsive? I feel ashamed and afraid that this might reflect something harmful about me. I feel lost and disturbed by what happened and want to understand how to make sure I never cross any line, even unintentionally.

POCD

sanshine

Date posted: 20d

To me it sounds like a checking compulsion. Something born out of anxiety or to prove to yourself that you mean no harm, not because you had any strange motivation.

[Deleted]

Date posted: 19d

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Anony1314

Date posted: 19d

@Anonymous Thank you! But mine wasn't a checking behavior. However I do believe it was an intrusive thought or feeling I reacted to in the moment.

Anony1314

Date posted: 19d

@Anonymous It didn't feel like a check or test at all.

Anony1314

Date posted: 21w

Is this truly an OCD episode? Just a mom trying

Just a little side note: I know this post has been made MANY times by me. However, I had a therapist respond to my post today saying that I need to reach out to my therapist on this because the context was not clear. This made me more stressed and ruminate more. It's not the therapist fault; but not I wonder if I'm really the monster. I'm a Christian mom who feels like I've ruined my life. My daughter was laying across me and every time I breathed a certain way I was getting a groinal sensation. I kept breathing like that anyways (ugh idk why), and then my mind told me I had hurt her that I might as well do something else because what's more. So idk why or what overcame me other than the thought of doing it and causing another feeling (I literally had to question what to do during this and the only thing I could come up with was to move my elbow) but it came across my mind to elbow her, and I elbowed her crotch or side area. Which caused another groinal sensation. Then I began FREAKING smooth out. Then I've been stressing since. I feel like as a mom I don't deserve to be hers anymore. Idk what overcame me. PLEASE tell me if I am a monster. I was doing SO well! Is this really OCD?

POCD

Anony1314

Date posted: 18w

Did I go crazy? Gave into thought. Comment please

My child was laying across me and every time I breathed a certain way I was getting a groinal sensation. I kept breathing like that anyways (ugh idk why), and then my mind told me I had hurt them that I might as well do something else because what's more. So idk why or what overcame me other than the thought of doing it and causing another feeling (I literally had to question what to do during this and the only thing I could come up with was to move my elbow towards her groin area) but it came across my mind to elbow my child, and I elbowed their crotch or side area. Which caused another unwanted groinal sensation. Then I began FREAKING smooth out and asked my child to move. Then I've been stressing since. I feel like as a mom I don't deserve to be theirs anymore. Idk what overcame me, and in the moment, it felt like I wanted to move my elbow, but I know that can also be my OCD speaking. Right? I clearly regret it all and hate myself. I would never intentionally hurt my child; I don't know what happened in my head when this happened. I was doing SO well! Is this my POCD that I've been diagnosed with by my OCD specialized therapist? Just a struggling mom who used to be the best of the best. I'm very depressed by this. Idk what to do with myself. I live in regret now, and I just wish it would've never ever happened. I can't stop ruminating and being depressed thinking I don't deserve anything.

POCD

Anony1314

Date posted: 17w

On the struggle bus

Struggling. My mind/OCD told me I had already abused my child by breathing when they were laying across me and that I might as well do something else to hurt them. I had to think for a second, but the only thing that came to mind was to move my elbow towards their groin area to cause a "feeling". Well I did just that, and I ended up grazing their groinal area and it caused a disgusting unwanted feeling. I IMMEDIATELY wanted to throw up and panicked. I also asked my child to move off of me immediately. It went against my morals, beliefs, and values as an individual and mother. I can't stop thinking about it and it's very debilitating. I didn't enjoy a single moment of it. But my question to you guys is am the monster that I've always been scared of being? Do I belong in the ground? Do I deserve to have a wonderful life and wonderful, perfect child?

POCD

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