SOOCD and the pill

Last night I took my meds to help me sleep and I kept waking up throughout the night with thoughts like “I’m really a lesbian now” or “I’m ok with it now, this is what I prefer”. I really feel like everyday for a couple of days now, I’ve woken up feeling more and more like my preferences have completely changed. The first few days was major anxiety, panic attacks, then I had a really bad double-bind and reversal spiral, and I became a little bit calmer since then. Now I feel like I’m managing the thoughts without anxiety or panic like I’m used to, but now it feels like I really want them and that I’m ok with it. Like I don’t care anymore. But the thing is, in between all of the mini spiral episodes I’ve had, I had these little moments of clarity like “I’m not giving up on my fantasies of men” or “I’ve always wanted men, that doesn’t just change”. But last night I’ve had really sexual dreams that I’m having trouble interpreting. I had one where I think it was me sleeping with a guy, but I woke up frantically because I think the roles got reversed, but I’m not sure. Another one I was a random woman with a husband, but I think the roles got reversed again so I woke up immediately. Both times it felt like arousal. Obviously I still care somewhat if I’m still here asking, but my brain or maybe me (I’m really not sure anymore) is telling me that I’m a lesbian now and I prefer it. It’s like I don’t care and want it now. It’s like I’m not even feeling confusion about it. I don’t know if it’s because of the meds, I’ve been distracted (family in town), because I’m in maybe quieter stages after two bad spiral episodes, or because I’ve really changed. It’s literally like I think being a lesbian will be enjoyable now but I don’t want that, even if my brain (and body apparently) keeps telling me that. I was told that ocd doesn’t change who you are, but now I’m worried that what I thought was background noise leading up to another spiral was suppressed self discovery (I’ve had two major soocd episodes in my life: late high school and now a few years later).

Does anybody else face both SOOCD and ROCD? I feel like it has been an ongoing cycle since January and now its July. This all started over a “should I kiss her” thought when dropping off a friend at home and ever since then, it is ongoing. My reaction used to be to cry and panic, and now its kinda mellowing out which scares me into thinking it could be real (all because my reaction is not what it used to be). I also have been facing sheer panic anytime I face something related to coming out. For instance, I seen a post on social media the other day about a women who came out after 14 years being with a man, after she rekindled a friendship with an old female friend…My head goes “so it could happen to me”. Or for instance, the other day, my grandma gave me a hoodie to give to my mom, or for me to keep for myself if it fit, and of course when she showed it to me, it had a rainbow heart and rainbow draw strings. This immediately sent me into a stomach turning panic. On the other hand, this is causing me to feel like I need to leave my boyfriend because what if I leave him in future anyway because of my sexuality. What if im saving him? This has all stopped me from feeling anything towards him and our relationship and Im scared on what that means. I know a lot of things read that it can cause a mental shut out of emotions, and a disconnect in the relationship, but it is making me feel nothing anymore and im scared that it means its time to let go. Our relationship has been nothing but perfect for 2 years. We barely argue and if we do, it is over quickly. Hes always opening my door, checking on me, taking me to do things to create memories, etc. I know that the honeymoon phase ends quickly but im having a hard time disassociating the difference between honeymoon phase is over, this is normal, or if I should leave him and because of the SOOCD thing or maybe I really am not straight. Thank you to whoever read all this. Im sorry for it being so long.

hi everyone just wanted to share what i’ve been going through lately. i’m a 24f and im a masc lesbian. i’ve been lesbian for as long as i can remember. i’ve had crushes on girls since i was very young, my first kiss was even with a girl in pre school. growing up i was told it was wrong and didn’t even know what the lgbt community was or anything like that and as an adolescent i wanted to fit in with all the other girls and have a boyfriend or like a boy but it felt forced and unnatural. middle school was when i really discovered my sexuality. i had a crush on a girl and it felt so real and different. from then on i knew i was lesbian. since then ive been very comfortable in my sexuality and i should mention that i can admit when a man is attractive and have always been secure in that there was no other meaning behind it, that’s how secure i was. as of late ive had small triggers that made me question if i secretly liked men but id shut it down quick. i often get gender envy and if i were to find a man attractive it’d be because i wish i could look like them but then the fixation started where my brain started asking if this meant i liked them and it completely derailed me. ive also seen so many tiktoks of lesbians who are suddenly straight which added to my fear. it got really bad this last month where i started going on chat gpt for reassurance. my mind started imaging scenarios with men and asking if i was aroused or if i would enjoy doing things with men. it got so bad i would dread going to the gym. these last couple days have been okay ive been letting the thoughts pass but now that ive been more passive my brain tells me that it must be true that i actually like men because now my brain doesn’t feel anxious. i’m ts a continuous loop does anyone have any advice ?