Any Advice on how to get over arguments

(Please don’t be rude to me if you do reply. I know I could’ve handled it better) So my sister and I recently got into an argument, and I haven’t been able to stop obsessing over it. I still don’t know if I should apologize or just let it go. The argument started over me needing to wash some clothes. She told me they were already clean, but I explained they weren’t. They’re my clothes, and I know when they need to be washed. She pushed back and said I didn’t need to, and when I asked how it affected her, she said doing laundry costs her money. That was the first time I heard laundry being a problem. I offered to send her money for it, but she said no and told me I couldn’t wash my clothes at her house anymore and that I’d have to wait until I get to college. For context, I don’t have a car, I’m 18, and I’m temporarily staying with her because of a difficult home situation. Which gives me nowhere else to wash my clothes. I got frustrated because this wasn’t the first time she’s changed her mind after saying yes to something. I know she has every right to set boundaries in her home, but I just wish she had said something earlier instead of switching up at the last minute. It felt sudden and harsh. Part of the frustration comes from our dynamic. My sister can be very controlling. She likes things done her way, and sometimes it feels like she says no just because she can. For example A little while ago, my sister offered to pay me to complete three tasks after I quit my job. I agreed and started on them, but midway through she changed her mind and said she’d only pay me for one. I get that she might’ve had her own reasons, but it still affected me, especially since I was relying on that money. For that reason in the moment, I felt like I had to stand up for myself. But now I’m looking back and realizing she really didn’t owe me anything, even if I didn’t agree with how it was handled. Later on, my brother told me, “They don’t owe you an explanation. It’s their house.” And while I know that’s technically true, hearing that really stung. I grew up in an environment where I was constantly told “don’t ask questions” or “you don’t need to know,” so now when people say things like that, it hits hard. It brings back that feeling of being shut out or disregarded. I also found out after the argument from someone else that my sister and her husband had been annoyed about how often I was doing laundry and thought it might’ve been OCD-related. It’s not. I just don’t have many clothes here, so I wash when I run out. They never told me directly. They only mentioned it to my mom and brother, so I had no idea it was even a problem. If I’d known, I would’ve figured something else out with my clothes…but instead my sister blew up on me causing a drawn out argument where I genuinely thought she was being her usual controlling bossy self just because she can. I’m not trying to be entitled. I know I’m staying here for free, and I genuinely appreciate it. I just wish people understood that communication isn’t about owing someone anything. It’s about respect. If someone expects something, and you say yes multiple times, and then suddenly say no at the last minute, it’s hard not to feel hurt or caught off guard. I’ve been replaying this whole thing in my head nonstop. I don’t want to keep obsessing over situations like this. Ik that no one is right in a misunderstanding it’s just about perspective…but as I continue to replay it in my head I just sound so entitled. I was just frustrated because my sister always finds something to push me around about I misread the situation and escalated it. In reality I was racking up the bills and in reality they didn’t need to tell me that (which they didn’t) I was just supposed to walk away and accept the no. I just hate being the “bad guy” in situations. My sister told my brother in law and I’m pretty sure they’re both annoyed with me being here. (I’m not trying to be a victim that’s just the vibe I’m getting) I want to learn how to let things go without letting them take over my mind. If anyone relates or has advice, I’d appreciate it.

Young adults with OCD

Anonymous

Date posted: 11d

I have been very argumentative in the past whether I was right or wrong. Especially if I felt like my words were being misconstrued, or if someone was trying to make me seem a certain way, or bring up topics that they knew were triggering for me. I feel like I was always in defense mode and wanted to explain my side of the story. Because of this I would also have a lot of misunderstandings in conversations and escalate situations that reflecting on later I realized I was just jumping to conclusions even if there may have been some truth to it. I didn’t have a good relationship with my parents and left when I was 18 but still wanted to stay connected to my sisters. Throughout this time I had a lot of arguments with my parents defending myself. They never wanted to take any accountability and were always switching up their story and that made me very upset and I would keep arguing with them. Eventually I reached the point where I realized they may never see my side of the story and that’s okay. If I want to move on with my life and eventually be happy I need to stop fighting people who aren’t going to change the way they view me and I need to stop caring about what they’re telling me to my face and what they’re saying behind my back. Moving from this scenario, I was very focused on having people see my side of the story and how I was wronged that I got to the point where I was jumping to conclusions with other people because I would feel a negative vibe and I would want to fix it so that relationship wouldn’t get ruined. Over the years I have had to learn to take people’s words at face value and not try interpret what they’re thinking, be clear with what I’m saying so there’s no confusion. Sometimes when I’m struggling to verbalize my thoughts I step back from the situation and literally just send a text message to properly articulate what I’m thinking/ feeling. This also helps me with calming down so I don’t escalate a situation. If I reach a point with a friend where they feel like I wronged them in some way even minor I make sure to address it and we discuss how to move forward even if it’s something simple. Sometimes the little things can grow into a bigger issue if there’s a lot of little things happening. Unfortunately sometimes we may make a mistake where someone won’t forgive us and that’s their right. However, at that point it’s about talking how are we moving forward, what kind of boundaries do we need to set, can this be resolved? As someone that gets anxious very often there’s times where even then I’ll think someone is not being truthful to me in these types of discussions which at times makes me a bit escalated which is where I have to think: okay this is what they’re telling me, I’m giving them the space to be honest with me, I’m just anxious and I need to take what they’re saying at face value and if anything else comes up we will reconnect. I know I rambled a bit here I guess overall what I’m trying to say is just have an open discussion with your sister about what you’re feeling. Give her the space to express her feelings as well and let be known that you want to hear what she’s thinking you just want to make you guys are okay and everyone is comfortable in the living arrangement. Ask her about reconsidering letting you do your clothes there maybe as a solution offer coming up with a schedule with her about when you can wash your clothes or offering some money as you had previously mentioned. If the answer is still no leave it at that. I do want to bring back that you mentioned your sister has a very controlling personality and will tell you no just to say no or change her mind often without communicating with you in advance. Further than that I don’t know your sister but if she starts giving you weird vibes, mixed signals you let her. Leave from that conversation knowing you did your part. I would just heavily encourage you connecting with a friend maybe you can do laundry at their place? Maybe you can fix some sort of arrangement with a friend to giving you a ride to a laundry place in exchange of taking care of some of their chores or something like that? Is there any possibility you could potentially look into moving with a friend in the future I think that would be beneficial although I do get the money aspect right now you’re not paying rent and I’m sure that’s a huge help right now. I hope this is helpful to you in some way. I have been in a similar situation and it does get better even if takes time. I guess the main point I’m trying to give here is focus on how you handle yourself, you can’t control how your sister is going to respond.

bobby-pin

Date posted: 11d

@Anonymous Thanks you this definitely helps me gain a better perspective. My family is not the type to like sit down and talk about things. They kind of just move past it arguments and go back to normal. Yesterday my sister did apologize for a couple things that she had said, but overall she said that she stands on the fact that she can change her mind because it’s her house and her rules which I mean it’s definitely her prerogative. Fast forward today where I was obsessing over the situation. I just felt so bad because I didn’t really know that I was racking up bills or anything. So I just decided to apologize for coming off as entitled and basically said that I’m really grateful for the space that they have given me to live in for the past few months. Thanks for the laundry advice😊I have set up an arrangement for my laundry and just decided to get it done when I get to college. I definitely think that I could avoid a lot of altercations by taking people’s words at face value and not looking back at prior interactions because like this situation I could have the whole wrong. Thanks again

Anonymous

Date posted: 11d

I totally get that, my family is the same way I have actually gone no contact with everyone except for my sisters. I know it’s easier said than done to take people’s words at face value because honestly sometimes people are trying to be rude or they’re being sneaky and I’m not saying let people step over you I’m just saying do your part in a conversation/situation but if you need distance that’s also okay. There’s no issue with just stepping back from a situation let people say what they’re going to say and do what you need to do for yourself. Make sure you surround yourself with people that support you. I’m glad you’re starting college soon, I hope that change of environment helps!

bobby-pin

Date posted: 11d

@Anonymous I hope so too! I am definitely excited to no longer have to rely on other people and their resources or having to deal with toxic households anymore. Thanks again for the advice☺️

Anonymous

Date posted: 11d

@bobby-pin no problem!

shirleyCstar

Date posted: 21w

Advice and Unbiased Opinions Please!!!

This isn’t OCD related so I’m sorry, but I don’t know another platform like this where I can talk to other people and actually get responses. OCD has been a huge fucking setback for me in life. I had to drop classes, wasn’t able to do things, and just felt so shitty all the time because of it. I feel like I blame OCD for everything I’m not. I constantly feel like I’m not good enough. Just today I saw someone I once knew and felt all of those feelings I used to have that made me miserable. Anyways, I tried taking my driver’s test a couple days ago but I wasn’t able to. The DMV only accepted cash. I felt upset but it was whatever. I’m almost 19, and I don’t have a driver’s license. So passing it would mean a lot to me. I compare myself to others my age; they have cars, hobbies, friends, go to college, etc… I don’t have any of that. Maybe comparing myself and all of that is my fault. My family says it’s my fault I’m sad because I just wallow in it. Hearing them say that makes me frustrated and hurt, but maybe they’re right. My mom texted a couple of my siblings in a group chat I wasn’t a part of, “He wants to wallow and be depressed. And woe is me, wah wah wah.” That made me really angry because my siblings were agreeing with her. Maybe they are right. Maybe I am selfish and think the world revolves around me. My sister tells me I need to advocate for myself more, I just don’t want to be a burden. I’ve only been a burden my whole life. My OCD created this whole issue in my family and I hate that. I don’t know what to do anymore. I just want an answer. Am I really a loser? Do I really wallow in it? Am I not trying like my family says? I just want to talk to someone.

Roseptlss

Date posted: 20w

Persistent Intrusive thoughts about past actions

Hi Everyone! I hope whoever is reading this is having a good day so far :) So for years now I’ve had very bad intrusive thoughts about things that I have done or embarrassing things that I’ve said or have happened and it’s mortifying and debilitating on a daily basis. Specifically these thoughts are mainly things that have occurred from 2018-2020 and some are more simple just as a stupid joke I made or being way too loud on calls while my family was trying to sleep and others being way more complex such as past relationships and how I’ve hurt some of the people I care the most about and when I have acted on intrusive thoughts and these thoughts will appear with no triggers at all I’ll just wake up and already have something I did just nagging me. I don’t want to live like this anymore and I’ve tried working through it with self compassion but sometimes the things I said or did back then it’s very hard to forgive myself for and I’ll reminisce on it for hours on hours, gaslight myself into believing that’s not how it happened and try to change the memory itself, or just suppress it entirely. I know those habits aren’t healthy and truly I want to get better but I don’t know how to overcome some of these thoughts. I have talked to my fiancé about this a few times and even today we talked about it and he fully supports me and is helping me work through it. I might also contact my sister too, I don’t talk to her overly too much but ever since I was little she’s thought I’ve had ocd and was one of the people who made me consider that I might have it (I’m still undiagnosed but I’ll try to when I have the money and time) and I know she could maybe provide some insight. Another thing that is troublesome about the situation is my other family members specifically my mom aren’t the most helpful and can trigger thoughts. To put it in perspective on how her thought process is and some background info she is an ER nurse and has been for 30 years due to this she believes she knows mainly everything there is about mental health and she gets extremely upset when I don’t take her advice or set boundaries. She’ll force me to talk to her about my problems and when I don’t want to she’ll pin me in a corner where I’m forced to and last summer I had a really bad episode and was really overstimulated and I just finished taking a shower and due to the water on me, my hair being wet (my hair is naturally curly and it takes forever to dry and it’s very draining taking care of even with a keratin treatment) and all the intrusive thoughts I was having and she forced me to talk to her and I did open up for the first time about my thoughts and brought up how sometimes I have thoughts of hurting my animals and it makes me physically sick. Her response to this was threatening to call the cops on me saying it was a behavioral thing and I was doing it for attention. I have never hurt any of my animals but later that day my cat came into my room and a few minutes later she comes up just gives me the death stare and after a few seconds just asks me “are you going to go kill snickers?” In the most condescending tone and she’s always like this daily where she’ll force advice onto me or get upset and yell and then reinforce thoughts I’m having. I just want to know first how to stop the thoughts from so frequently and how to heal in an environmental where it keeps reopening wounds despite trying to place boundaries? I’m sorry this is really long I usually do go really in detail about things and it’s just how I’ve always been. If anyone has any questions feel free to ask and I’ll answer them to the best of my ability. I really appreciate the time you took to read this and thank you for your help! 🥰

Gmoki

Date posted: 11w

Extended family doesn’t understand ocd

LONG VENT POST: This is my second post of the day. Seriously, I am SO sorry. I have therapy tomorrow, I promise I will shut up after this lmao. Anyway, for Memorial Day weekend, I spent it at my aunt/uncles vacation house. Fortunately it wasn’t a big crowd - just my mom, grandmother, aunt, uncle and I. For context, I come from a pretty big family, and I am the youngest of 7 cousins and a younger sister to two brothers. All my cousins are in their early to mid 20’s, each very successful in school and their careers. My half brother is 29, and absolutely crushing it. My full brother is turning 23, he’s also doing amazing with school. I just turned 20 in April, I feel very lost. I know I want to be a forensic psychiatrist one day, and that I want my PhD. I want to be the best therapist I can be, but the fact that I barely get by with ocd/adhd has been discouraging me, so I currently feel like a flop. Anyway though, spending time with my aunts/uncles/cousins/grandparents triggers my ocd the most, as majority of them can be on the judgmental side. ESPECIALLY my aunt, she’s on my moms side, and she and my mom are total opposites. My aunts a very calculated, straightforward, logical, stern, sassy buisnesswoman. She’s successful, but lacks a lot of understanding and can be so cold and just mean. My moms a kindergarten teacher in a struggling community, and she’s always thinking about others before herself, extremely emotional, caring, but neglects her own needs a lot. They’re sisters, and they bump heads a ton. My aunt and all of her kids aren’t neurodivergent. They simply don’t understand mental health. My mom does, thank god. My aunt and uncle think that if a kid is having a psychotic break, then that kid should be kicked out of the house and not helped at all. My mom and I entirely disagree with this idea, and that someone clearly mentally suffering NEEDS mental health help asap, and they need to be home. The streets are the last place someone suffering should be. While we were vacationing at the house, my mom argued about this with my uncle. I was asleep, thank god, but I seriously hate having people in my family like this. I can never tell them about me having ocd, they’ll think it’s just an “excuse” for not getting things done, or just me trying to feel special. The reality is, they don’t get it. My full brother went through the worst psychotic break a few years ago. It lasted two years on and off due to bipolar disorder, but thank god he got himself help and he’s doing absolutely amazing now. He’s frustrated and embarassed with himself but now he’s on track, and as I said, crushing it with school. But the entire time he was going through this, my aunt and uncle just didn’t understand. To keep it short, they thought his mental problems were behavioral, and that he’s a “crazy” kid. The reality is, he was coping with the loss of his childhood best friend and our other uncle who was like a second father figure to us. He had manic episodes from the grief and self medicating with drugs and alcohol. This was all the while Covid was happening and he was a freshman at a college states away. He was so vunerable. I’m saying all this because, well, how am I to seriously be forward about my mental struggles when they couldn’t even show the slightest amount of empathy to my brother, who was struggling, so much more intensely than me? I’m quiet at family gatherings when they’re around for this exact reason. I have so much resentment toward them for it. I try to avoid them when I can, because I love them, I just hate their actions/views. What do you guys do with these kinds of people?

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond

Any Advice on how to get over arguments

Related posts

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Be a part of the largest OCD Community