SO-OCD Progress

Ever since starting ERP, my SO-OCD and general OCD has lowered. This has been great. I just wanted to have somewhere to share my thoughts and ask questions. For anyone else, have you realized that the SO-OCD and other forms of OCD are all rooted in what people have said in the past that I hadn’t processed, and up to this point believed hadn’t affected me. It was also odd because to me, I had never had a problem questioning my sexuality, even labeling myself as queer. However, this fear plagued my thoughts whether or not I decided to identity as straight, lesbian, bisexual, etc. It was so weird to me because it felt so foreign to how I’ve always been. I hated the guilt I felt over possibly being in denial or in the closet, over being homophobic, and all of that would just lead to constant stress and spiral. I felt so bad dating or being with my friends, on the off chance I was using them or going to cross lines. Progress isn’t linear, but I definetly feel so much better shedding the random fear I had of expressing affection towards my friends or of “using guys” to prove I was straight. Most of the time, I find that the stress comes from something really real. Like my past experiences with an old friend that I had or just not liking the guy I was dating and not wanting to lead him on. Being able to discern the OCD thoughts and stress from regular stress has been like a breath of fresh air.

Sexual Orientation OCD

anonymous00001

Date posted: 7w

Hi thank you so much for sharing. ❤️ I REALLY relate to everything you said. I’ve been trying to process those things too and it has helped me relax into myself. This is different than you, but I’ve always known I was bi since I was young. When I was in high school, my best friend at the time when we were in a big group of girls at a sleepover, she said she would “never trust a bi girl enough” to have a sleepover with her or be friends. I did not have any feelings for my friends at this time, but this made my little teenage brain explode. To this day I still worry my friends won’t trust me or think I’ll hurt them or want to date them. When in reality I just want to be their friend. But then OCD says “what if you want to be more than friends?”. I hate it so much. But yes, this is good to process and understand yourself a bit better. Feel free to share more if you like.

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 7w

@anonymous00001 Yes! I can relate. I had a best friend of 7+ years, who I was always on and off with, because she would randomly push away from me and stop talking to me when I did anything that revolved other people- making new friends, interacting with crushes, etc. I always left the door open for her especially as we got older, but when I was younger I would become so emotional over this I would end up crying and having to pass her a letter to be able to ask what I had done wrong since I couldn’t confront anyone back then without bursting into tears. When we started high school, I began questioning my sexuality and accepted anything as it came. I never had an issue with the idea of queerness or being attracted to women for that matter, so it was quite easy to explore those parts of myself, even if it never really led to anything. There was one time where she had admitted to finding women attractive herself, which I realized I could not tell anyone and could not force more information- so I had left it at that. I never brought it up or told anyone. We had stopped talking in the 10th-11th grade, but again, I would always leave that door open. I waved to her and thought we were on good terms, since there was no fight and it felt natural that we had grown apart. Until the 12th grade, that’s how it remained until I found out she had been spreading rumors of me and one of our mutual friends, calling her a slut and me a lesbian. I remember being upset not over the rumor, but over the idea I had crossed any lines it had made her uncomfortable. While the idea that a couple of kids in high school thinking I was gay didn’t bother me, it did heavily affect how I viewed my actions in friendships going forward. Only recently did I begin to process that event.

kitchensink234

Date posted: 20w

Advice please!

I have been really battling with my SO OCD, and I’ve recently started to have a ton of wins!!! I’m really excited about it, but as I’ve noticed myself not engaging as much… different things have popped up. Now im obsessed with people’s perception on me, and them looking at me and thinking by how I walk, how I talk, what I wear, how I move… that I am gay? And am so convinced everyone thinks that and “knows something that I don’t”. Is that typical with OCD? If so, any ERP advice on how to overcome these thoughts?

Sexual Orientation OCD

anonymouscookie

Date posted: 13w

so ocd and bisexuality

Hello everyone, I just wanted to share a part of my journey that I’m struggling with right now. I’ve been diagnosed with ocd and while this is not my first subtype, ROCD and so ocd have definitely been the ones I’ve been struggling with the most. For context I have a boyfriend who I love very much and am terrified of loosing. That’s probably what ocd latched onto. The so-ocd especially is tricky because I’ve come to acknowledge that I am bisexual. Don’t worry I didn’t “discover” this through ocd, I’ve always known and it’s been in the back of my mind way before ocd, I had just never really directly acknowledged it because romantically I just always leaned towards men. The thing my ocd latched onto is “what if you are actually a lesbian and don’t know it yet and will have to leave your partner or are lying to your partner or end up leading him on” The thing is, I don’t have much experience with women except kissing my female best friend once, which didn’t feel special or made me have romantic feelings for her. I’ve always seeked men more actively than women and didn’t feel like I was gonna miss out if I get into a serious relationship with a man before having had more experience. I just know that I can be sexually attracted to women as well. But now that I’m in this beautiful relationship I’m terrified of getting it wrong or having missed something about myself or being scared that I’m actually a lesbian and have been lying to myself all along. I’m not seeking reassurance, just wanting to share and maybe someone else is going through something similar? If so I’d be so grateful to know I’m not alone. I love my boyfriend dearly and i really hope we will work out in the long run.

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 4w

Curious + Rant

I was wondering if this also happened to anyone. I grew up very open-minded and allowed myself to question my sexuality when I was younger. I explored feelings for both genders and attraction to them from afar, because I didn't have any friends or experiences to guide me through them. When I started dating, I was open to both but slowly and surely naturally phased out women. It always felt performative, like pretending to be upset they didn't respond, choosing who to be attracted to, and while present with them, wanting to back away or feeling a level of discomfort. When my SO-OCD started, these experiences made it very difficult to navigate the anxieties and intrusive thoughts. My thoughts often circled back to the idea that if I wasn't attracted to women, I wouldn't have tried to in the first place. This type of thought is like a Catch-22. On one hand, I am surveying my past actions or memories for any signs of true attraction or trying to pick at moments where I could prove that I was actually uncomfortable. On the other hand, the thought of being uncomfortable with a moment is tainted in my brain because of the idea that I could just be in denial. Any emotion I've ever had gets scrutinized in hindsight, making it feel like any way in which I feel is wrong. SO-OCD has been particularly difficult because of the fact that I've never been pejorative towards being queer or the LGBTQ+ community. It goes against my own values whether or not I am actually queer or actually straight. I remember growing up in an environment (whether school, family, or friends) that was always lined with prejudice towards any type of outsider - OCD makes me feel ashamed for my own want to understand any group or background different from my own. Essentially, I wanted to know if that's also something that plagues others with SO-OCD. For me, no matter what side of the fence I fall on my OCD rewrites it as bad: Either I'm in denial and lying to everyone even though they already secretly know, or I'm a homophobe. Sometimes they even mix. It doesn't make any sense.

Sexual Orientation OCD

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