ROCD, regret, lost love

If you loved once, you can love again. You have it in you I believe it! But.... that doesn't matter right now. You need to be able to let go, you need to accept the loss and it may sound crazy, but to heal from this, you need to accept the *possibility* of never falling in love again. That is what ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy) is all about. If you can come to terms with your worst fear, that will set you free. And by the way, even if you DID get back with your boyfriend, that won't change the fact that you have a core fear of being alone (tons of people have this you arent alone in your fear of being alone) that needs to be accepted for you to find lasting peace. Acceptance doesn't mean you agree with or like the idea of being alone or of you leaving your boyfriend forever. It just means that you are able to accept whatever life throws at you, and if that is singleness, then so be it! You will take it day by day. I know the idea of it being alone forever is super daunting and that's why it may feel impossible to accept it. Thats okay, dont force yourself to accept it today. It is probably going to be a long journey of reframing your thoughts, and doing OCD exposures while limiting rumination, until that "aha" moment when you truly can let go. But I do think ACT therapy if you search it up could be super beneficial since it targets the ocd aspect of it all too and its a solution thay really gets to the root issue of what you are facing.

*idk if I made it clear enough but I am not saying you should be single forever or that you should believe that you will be, just that it is important for you to believe that even such a daunting situation would be okay and manageable at the end of the day.

I've felt this way before, too! I found out my first love got engaged, and I realized a part of me never fully processed that that relationship (despite ending many years prior) was truly over. I thought that I would never experience love like that again. A lot of it was really triggering my fear of being alone. I relate to you saying that you have always wanted to get married. I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, but you're welcome to read on if you want to hear what helped me: What helped me (outside of therapy) was to first allow myself to be sad about that relationship ending, even if it felt silly to me because it was so long ago. We live busy lives so sometimes we forget to process stuff along the way. Secondly, I had realized that I needed to heal to allow the right person to come into my life. That looked like learning how to enjoy time by myself so I could learn to not feel lonely when alone. I fully stepped away from dating apps and tried to make new friends/ lean on the ones I had already. A lot of the time, I took myself out on dates and I loved it (I actually did that today)! I realized that I love going to the park, going shopping, or going to dinner to enjoy a nice meal even if I don't go with anyone. I'll bring a book or a journal or whatever else if I don't feel like people watching. Sometimes I even have amazing encounters with new people that may not have happened if I was in my own bubble of a friend group. A few years went by and I'm in a relationship now and taking that time has really helped me. Now, I enjoy spending time alone or with my friends just as much as I enjoy spending time with my partner. It's not the same, it's better. I still want to get married and I still don't know if that's going to happen with my new partner, but enjoying my time alone/ with friends and still taking myself on dates really help muffle those loud voices. I hope this helps! I really feel you on this, you've got it though!