Religious OCD and maybe false memory?

Sunday evening- (three days ago) While I was doing homework, I had my mouth slightly open and was moving my tongue. I had the intrusive thought of mouthing the devil’s name or saying it (im not sure if it was before, after or during the time I had my mouth open). Then it made me wonder if I did mouth it or say it- which I’m not really sure if I did but that’s the false memory aspect of my OCD. Then I had the thought that I did that as a way to get help from the devil on my homework- almost like if it was me doing a bad prayer to the devil in return for something. I know mouthing just that isn’t a bad prayer in itself, but I wondered if those were my intentions and if god interpreted it as such. I didn’t really dwell on the thought then. Later that day I felt really fatigued and had a headache so I went to bed early. I woke up at a normal hour the next day and did some homework before school but I started feeling really fatigued again. I decided not to go to school since I wasn’t feeling very well. I was wondering what had been the problem later that day (Monday evening). I then had the outlandish thought that maybe it was god’s way of punishing me. Maybe I really had said the devil’s name/ mouthed it. Maybe I had done it as a way to get help from devil with my homework. Maybe I’d lost gods favor. Then I started worrying about having that irrational conclusion that god might’ve punished me (which I’m pretty sure isn’t the case but the possibility that it could be) scared me and makes me think that is the case. The worries continued onto Tuesday and they kinda spiraled from there. I was worried I’d then be perceived to be crazy for having thoughts like that and wondering if maybe there are other underlying mental illnesses present. I also started wondering that if I have lost god’s favor and it was a punishment, what is to stop me from doing worse things like an actual bad prayer? If I did do that and it was considered bad by god and have already been judged, am I done for good? These thoughts were easier to ignore during the day but at night when I lied down for bed, they were at the forefront of my mind and harder to push away. I did try RPMs but the anxiety still stayed and the thoughts didn’t “get bored”. I also started stressing about not being able to sleep which is not a good feeling- especially since I had a test the next day on Wednesday. I kind if had a mini panic attack. I got really hot and my heart rate was up. I started getting stressed about ending up like I did before OCD treatment when the intrusive thoughts initially became a problem a few years ago-where practically every day was passed with the gnawing feeling of thoughts and doubts at the back of my mind and the difficulty in falling asleep would lay over me each night. I ended up calming my breathing and falling asleep. When I woke up I felt glad that I’d slept but I was quickly bombarded once again by the thoughts. They remained ever present throughout the day (today) and I felt kinda down the whole day, the stress from the thoughts lingering all day, along with the fear I might not sleep well tonight, etc etc. those thoughts have kind if been I just wanted to write it down and share it and see if anyone else has experienced something similar. I just feel guilty and stressed and kinda frustrated too. Besides the fact I’m kind of dreading having to lie down for sleep and have major troubles falling asleep like a while back. I appreciate if you’ve taken the time to read this and all comments.

Religion & Spirituality OCD

that guy ove...

Date posted: 21d

I've had similar OCD episodes like this in the past and every once in a while the theme comes back for a bit. OCD latches on to what we value and tricks us into believing we can get certainty in a world that is uncertain. It sounds like you had a thought pop in your mind, felt tired/unwell later, and started trying to come up with a theory to explain how those things would be connected through a "what if".

jellyfish305

Date posted: 20d

@that guy over there I feel like this sums it up pretty well. Thank you for responding it means a lot. And while I know it’s OCD and that it’s really not anything worth worrying over, I still can’t stop thinking about it.

Anonymous

Date posted: 24w

Religious OCD

I need help everyone. My thoughts have been getting worse… I haven’t used my ERP because it feels too scary and too real and so I am caught in this spiral of doing compulsions with every other thought that I have. I have thoughts about that bad guy that are so horrible and then I think that the bad guy is talking to me so I do compulsions and desperately want GOD to believe me when I say I don’t mean the thoughts, but then it creates doubt about whether or not I actually do mean the thoughts. And now I am afraid of my own thoughts This makes me want to fix ALL of the thoughts and feelings that I have to prove even more to myself and to GOD that I don’t mean these thoughts. On top of all of this, I am trying to convince myself that it’s OCD and not me at all. Does anyone have this and can anyone help? I am so tired and scared and burnt out…

M✨️

Date posted: 22w

I'm tired / ROCD

Have you ever been through Very bad thoughts about your brain wants to twist anything about good or bad like evil and good which is god and sat*n and panicking because you believe In god but your brain is messing with you have you ever felt like you're afraid you had commit blasmphy in your thoughts It's very bad thoughts like omg where does these toughts come from?? Please tell me your experience One moment I feel okay and I can pray and vent to god and other moment I'm so ashamed of myself for thinking like that Am I alone in this am I crazy?

12345678910

Date posted: 21w

Thinking about the past.

I would really appreciate it so much if someone took the time to read this and help me. I don’t know what to do anymore. I haven’t posted here in awhile. I had my OCD managed pretty decently for a year or so on medication, but I had to stop taking it, and after around 3-4 months, the OCD has become unbearable again. It used to be much more surrounding existential themes, eating, and others, not really real event/false memory stuff. But now it’s gotten really out of hand and I don’t know how to do it anymore. It’s surrounding a time of my life a long time ago. It was a dark time. I wasn’t myself and I was going through a lot of things, and I did a lot of things I regret. I self-destructed, embarrassed myself, and wasn’t good to the people around me. I was able to get my mind off of it for a long time, even though I would still think about it a good amount. I was able to be in the present, at least moreso than now. But now that I’m off medication, the guilt has become my obsession again. I can’t move on. I can’t do anything without thinking about all of these memories. I’m obsessed. I’ve started hating myself again, so much so that it’s hard to do anything anymore or believe I deserve anything good. The people around me tell me it wasn’t even that bad, but to me it was. To me, I failed myself, lost myself, and failed everyone around me. I can’t stop thinking about every person I said something wrong to or every time I screwed up. I’ve now started to convince myself I did terrible things I can’t remember, and that my mind just can’t deal with it. And that’s why I feel so guilty. There’s nothing to really support this though. But I’m starting to really convince myself that’s true. I’m trying not to listen to it, because I’ve convinced myself I have hit people with my car before and haven’t remembered when I absolutely didn’t and I know I never have. I drive back over and over to check there’s no one, even though I never heard any bang or felt myself anything. I can convince myself of some crazy false memories. So I know that I shouldn’t listen. But it’s hard not to when I have this guilt gnawing at me constantly. I come to conclusions that this guilt must be because I did something terrible that I don’t remember, even though I already think the things I remember were bad enough. But I would know by now right? If I did something bad I don’t remember? I don’t feel like this all the time. But it’s a lot of the time. But maybe that should be reassuring, that I only start obsessing like this when I think to. The past haunts me though. And I can never be in the present. I’ve started to resort to some unhealthy behaviors to distract myself or help me work towards something. I am starting to hate myself so much and feel like there’s no way I’ll ever be able to get out of this loop. I feel like I just can’t do this anymore. Maybe I need to go back on medication. But I don’t know. I don’t really want to. But will I ever fix this without it? Why do I feel SO guilty, all of the time? I do all these things for people because I feel indebted to them, because I feel undeserving of everything. I feel awful about myself. I don’t know what to do. Does anyone else deal with this?

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Religious OCD and maybe false memory?

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