Spinning out

Ok I need any and all advice 😭 please help. I’ve been with my boyfriend for over 2 years and feel deeply connected and happy and in love with him. My ex and I were first loves and on and off basically for 5 or so years until I met my current bf. During that time we both were toxic and back and forth and he did some things that were really hurtful. We never really had an “ending” or any actual closure to anything? I just kind of started talking to and liking my current boyfriend. I saw my ex a month ish ago at the bar and wasn’t very nice to him. I was like hyper aware of how I was behaving around him to make sure he didn’t get the wrong idea. I know he has had a really hard time moving on from me. Since then I feel like I have not been able to stop thinking about the past and am questioning a ton about my feelings. I do have ROCD, and I don’t know if this is solely because of that or a mix of that and the emotional loose ends? I don’t know. But I’m feeling such an urge to text him this whole paragraph I’ve drafted about closure, how I don’t even need him to respond, but I just need to get some things off my chest. I feel SO conflicted about sending it. I do not want to rekindle anything with him, but it’s just the principle of texting your ex that makes me feel like I am betraying my boyfriend now. Yet it feels like it’s weighing on me so much - and I’m like is ocd involved? I just don’t know if I should send the text or not. If anyone has been in similar situations or has any helpful advice I would really love and appreciate some because I feel so stuck.

okay, so when i first started getting involved with guys, i wasnt really the nicest person when it came down to it and so, i started talking to this guy. His name in this is gonna be James well I liked this guy, and yk I was just there, I didn’t really like relationships or anything. Wasn’t big on them whatever. Well his friend Jeremy starts taking an interest into me. So I’m like why not? And go for it. And when I did he wasn’t my type at all. I wasn’t attracted to him, like maybe at the time I like had to convince myself he was attractive. And you know, he wanted to get together, this was my first sense of a relationship at all. But I didn’t fantasize about being with him or anything and like hardly thought about him also But we wasn’t together? Just talking. And he’d like talk to other girls. And just everything like that whatever. Well he got with this girl named Mallory and I like was upset. And so I homewrecked it. But when I did I was glad the attention was back? But he asked for a relationship I didn’t want it. And I homewrecked a few more times, and well then. Me and this girl became friends. I forgot about this guy for like months. And then randomly one time I was at his cousins house for an event. And he was there with a different girl. And I was just hanging out with him? I wanted him to find me attractive and what not. But I didn’t want romantically involved with him? well, then we go out of contact for a year, I meet other guys, don’t think about this dude at all. Whatever I get in a relationship with a guy and then break up, and i talked to this guy who slightly looked like jeremy and my sister brought it up. but i only talked to the guy because i wasn’t supposed to? so it made me want to more. and i thought about jeremy once, not missing him or anything still not thinking about Jeremy then I get with my current boyfriend, who I’ve been in love with for two years now? Been together 5 and our past was really horrible a lot of girls and what not guys too? But then. We get together whatever, I love it. I was always worried about other girls, if I’m in love, if this is what I want?, and everything like that, and then it was like everything I did? I’d tell him, talking to a guy, getting intrusive thoughts about them whatever. Then I get an intrusive thought about Jeremy. and it was like horrible. something about his arms? And it’s like my boyfriend told his friends. And his girlfriend found out. the same one I homewrecked my bestfriend, and then it was horrible like the past coming back, and I hated it and I avoid seeing this dude, talking to him, I’d look at him just to see if I’d get the anxiety in my stomach like I couldn’t look at pictures videos or in person without getting sick but I’d feel the need to look? For the feeling of anxiety and the sickening feeling, and I’d tell my boyfriend everytime I looked at him or anything it was horrible, well then it gets horrible, intrusive thoughts about leaving my boyfriend, or comparing him to my boyfriend, or wondering things, or that it’s feelings, and I’d just drive me crazy, like i wont get phone cases, he had or looked similar, emoji’s he used. or anything like that i wont wear his favorite color absolutely nothing. like crying on my boyfriends chest over it. And we broke up over it. The thoughts went away for the couple of hours, I didn’t think of them or anything but as soon as me and him broke up I looked at a pic of Jeremy to see how I felt then I didn’t think of anything else I just wanted to be back with my boyfriend, now we are back together and it’s still happening and the guys name just pops up if I’m like “I love my boyfriend” his name pops up. Or randomly out throught the day, I forgot about it for a little then I’m fine but I went to a therapist and she said intrusive thoughts and ocd and another said that plus anxiety but I need help. I need answers or what other people think. I’ve looked into everything I’ve puked and made myself sick over it so much it’s been a little over a month now. it’s died down after he got a buzz, and school let out. But idk what it is. and my mind constantly wants to figure out the past? and tell me that if i unblock him it will get better? idk. i think in the past it was a false crush?? or something. or i just enjoyed the validation and attention from him.. but when he called me nicknames id be like “omg!!” and freak out? like i cant rmb in a good or bad way. i didnt remember it until my friend mentioned it. please help me.

since one of my biggest fears/events of my reocd happened (not the way i thought it would happen!) i've been healing and understanding a lot of things (like the fact i was the one being abused in my old relationship) but thanks to that my ocd has been trying to launch on a new event and i don't know. i was in a cut and off relationship with my ex three years ago, this happened when i was an older teenager and really confused. during the time i cut off momentary with him i started to get compliments and cute messages in an anonymous confession page and used to post them replying in a playful way or just with genuine curiousity. the thing is, i got with my ex once again in secret for the last time but honestly i'm realizing lately that i didn't love him anymore and being with him made me feel terrible but i wasn't strong enough to leave him once for all. i didn't tell any of my friends about this because they hated him (for a good reason) and i was also disappointed on myself for this. he pushed me a lot make it public and i would say to him a lot of times that i wasn't sure. the thing is, that i still got that type of messages on that anonymous confession page and still publish them on my profile while being with my ex in secret, but eventually i stopped doing that. then i finally left my ex (was horrible). but since what happened to me, i cant stop thinking if that was cheating – it was cheating? i'm not sure anymore and i feel like im going to have a relapse.