Friend is distancing and I’m not sure how to correctly deal with it.

I very much believe I have an anxious attachment style and it’s very closely linked with my BPD and OCD. In the past year, I became very close with an old friend. It was great. She’s a very reassuring person, she understands how im a very anxious individual, especially when it comes to someone being annoyed with me. I’ve never had a best friend before, and at last I thought this is it! We contacted everyday, all day. Saw eachother every week (despite living in different cities) it was amazing. I was genuinely happy. These past 4 month have been earth shattering for me- my grandma passed away in my arms, 2 days after my dad got diagnosed with cancer, a month later his body was rejecting treatment, a month after that my grandfather passed away in my arms. Safe to say, a lot has happened. My friend was there the entire time… until She started a new relationship about a month ago. It’s new, it’s exciting. She’s infatuated with him. I told her how happy I am for her. She deserves a good guy. Since then, I’ll maybe receive one or two messages a day (if I’m lucky). They don’t seem like her usual messages. I brought it up that like- hey I’m really happy for you. I haven’t heard much from you are you ok. She validated my feelings and said she’ll try and be better. However it continued to happen, in times that I felt I really needed her (crying about the recent events of my life). Again, I gently brought up the issue again. Where she said again, she’ll try and do better. This has continued to happen, if not worsen. I constantly bounced back and forth from being irritated/disheartened to feeling like ‘what if it’s me? What if I’m the reason she’s not answering? She’s leaving me’ I met up with her for the first time in months a little while back and she seemed her usual self, so this is where I realised, it’s hurting me much more than it’s affecting her. Is there any way that I can healthily soothe myself, I don’t want it to be in a form of anger (which I am finding it to be recently). I’d like to be able to not constantly worry why she’s not responding. I have enough on my plate.

Relationship OCD

Anonymous

Date posted: 17h

--- Indeed, this has happened to me. I advise you to keep your relationship with her superficial. Do you know what I mean by superficial? Yes, exactly that. Listen, as someone who was in a similar relationship with a friend — I’m still friends, but in a superficial way. Our friendship lasted about seven years. The important thing is that maybe people are just very busy with themselves — that’s the first reason. The second reason is that maybe she has her own psychological problems and her life isn’t going well, and she doesn’t want to tell you that. The third reason, and I’m almost sure about this, is that she has replaced you with another friend — and you are no longer in the “priority list.” Another reason might be that she felt bored with your relationship and wanted to change her friends. And a final reason is that she is someone who does not truly stand by you in difficult times — she is not your real friend. What’s the solution? Focus on your treatment, on yourself, and solve your problems. Give support to your father during this period. Don’t give anyone value if they don’t deserve it. I remember I had a friend group of four girls, but I left them all — and it’s okay to be alone until you find better people. You deserve to love and to be loved. Having borderline personality disorder (BPD) is not easy, and the fact that you still love your friend is an achievement, considering your condition. My final advice: focus on exposure therapy and response prevention, take care of yourself, and spend quality time with your father — make memories before the inevitable changes. -

Honeyshark

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 12h

For soothing - are there things you value and love to do? You’ve gone through so much - it sounds like you need to take care of yourself and be kind to yourself. Grief is so hard. Do you have an OCD therapist? Losing loved ones is hard so extra support is a good idea right now. Since big events like this can make OCD worse. Do you have other friends or people you can reach out to? I found that I exhausted my loved ones with my OCD and need for reassurance when grieving. It’s a lot.

Doopydoowa

Date posted: 19w

Please help-relationship advice

Hey everyone. I hope you all are doing okay. I’m currently struggling in the worse way I have through the course of my relationship. We are doing long distance right now, and I am unfortunately in the worse place I have been in. The uncertainty is absolutely unbearable. He is doing a cool new, consuming job 7 hours a way. He loves it, but I fear him loving the job so much that he stops caring about me. I have definitely noticed a shift in the amount of time he texts me and the energy he can give to the relationship. The job actually started off with 2 weeks of no phone. He has it again now though. We saw each other a couple of days ago in person for the last time we would in about two months. I was okayish when we were in person though I knew I would spiral later. And spiral I did. He left and I broke down. I am worried I will lose him. I start a really intensive EMT program in a week. It will be all-consuming for me. I can’t sleep very much and I don’t feel like eating. I know it’s pathetic. I am constantly consumed by these fears. I think I know what I need to do to combat them. Accept uncertainty but it feels like the possibly of it ending feels more real than ever. And I literally can NOT stop thinking about it. My brain feels in danger!!! I just worry that bad stuff is actually happening. I think we are going through a rough patch, but I also just feel more alone than ever. Drowning in my mind. What do I believe? I have a past of ocd, so it wouldn’t be surprised if it’s getting intertwined. Most people would say: it’s okay to ask him for reassurance about the relationship!!! But I feel like that’s the trap for me. I don’t know how to move forward. I know things are tough for us right now. But I’ve been floating back and forth on a spectrum of well maybe I just have trust to maybe this literally won’t work out!!! Texting and communicating over text is really hard for me. I am constantly analyzing it: how much energy is he giving? How much energy am I giving? Well I don’t want to do all the emotional labor, and be the main texter. But I also don’t care about texting that much and get exhausted with this back and forth.

Relationship OCD

sr.ek

Date posted: 15w

I have therapy tmw and NEED HELP

Not directly OCD related, but: The therapist I will be talking to is not yet my official therapist and to keep a long story as short as possible: I’m from Germany, you usually get 1-2 sessions without “signing a contract” to see if you get along, I haven’t signed yet because I honestly want a different therapist but I also don’t want to wait 6 months and this will already be my 4th session with her. This time, me and my best friend will both attend at the same time since we’ve had ongoing and reoccurring issues for the past 6 months in our friendship, including confusing romantic feelings on my behalf and an overall misunderstanding and misinterpretation of each others feelings towards each other. We both recently graduated and she already knows what university she will be attending (somewhat pretty far away from mine) and even if I wanted to I most likely can’t live near her or attend the same uni. I don’t know how to explain this, but I have been grieving part of our friendship for the past year and the first time I felt like something was off was about 1 1/2 years ago. We haven’t been friends for that long (about 2 1/2 years) but we became very close friends very quickly and I do not want to lose her. However, I do feel like she has changed. Not personality wise but in her attitude towards emotions and friendship? We used to talk so much more and everything felt happier in the beginning as it does now. Obviously our friendship has had its hardships in the last 6 months (she liked/likes(?) a boy, I liked/like(?) her, she used to like be but only in the beginning of our friendship) but I miss our conversations and picknicks and just hanging out with her like normal. We also hat a time in which we didn’t talk to each other for almost 2 months and NOTHING about this made anything easier. I’m genuinely trying to detach myself from her like she did with me but nothing works. Last week we had our high school grad ceremony and we danced and when I held her hands to guide her through the people dancing, I felt those stupid butterflies again and I genuinely don’t know what to do. Sometimes I think I wouldn’t even befriend now her if we were strangers, but we made so many memories and I hate change and graduating, moving away from ALL of my friends and losing the best friend I ever had is too much for me. I get so jealous thinking about how she is going to met new friends at uni and finding a partner and forgetting about me. And I don’t know how to say any of this tomorrow because my therapist honestly doesn’t seem to care about anything I say and neither does my friend. Everytime I say that I feel like there is an issue we need to solve or talk about she just shakes it off. I feel helpless.

why_sunny

Date posted: 2d

Not fully ocd, but I'm feeling very sad and lost

Hey, so I'll try to keep it short but I've been dealing with a lot of emotions and need advise. This is not fully ocd but I really don't have anywhere else to talk about this with. I’ve only ever seriously liked two people: my ex and this guy I’ve been talking to. He’s from a country far away, and we’d been chatting for two months before I admitted my feelings. From the start, he was clear he’s not over his ex and isn’t looking for anything serious. At first, I saw him just as a friend, but the more he mentioned going on dates or seeking a friends-with-benefits situation, the more it stirred panic and fear in me. When he noticed I was acting off and asked about it, I opened up and told him how I felt. He was kind but firm, saying he couldn’t reciprocate but wanted to stay friends. That was nice of him, but it still hurt, especially since he didn’t seem to see it as a big deal, while for me, it was huge. I took a two-week break to process, crying it out and trying to pull myself together before reaching out again. He was understanding and seemed okay with picking up where we left off, but things aren’t the same. We used to talk all day, every day, but now it’s just a few words here and there, and it’s crushing. He seems totally fine—happy, going out, living his life like nothing’s changed. Meanwhile, I’m at my lowest, depressed and unable to enjoy anything. Seeing him share updates or talk about his life just makes me sad, and I can’t even show the support I used to. It’s killing me because I want to be his friend, but this feels so distant and cold compared to before. Texting him back is so hard now, which has never been an issue with anyone else. I don’t want to take another break because I’d just spend it thinking about him, and trying to go back to being friends afterward feels even scarier. I don’t want to lose him entirely, but this is hurting so much. I just want to be his friend, but I’ve never liked someone this much before. When I care about someone, they become my whole world, and right now, mine feels like it’s crashed. Seeing him happy makes me sad, and I feel awful for feeling that way. My ocd is making me spiral about this and keep obsessing about him and this connection making me feel restless. Most friends told me to try and let go and end this because I'm hurting but I don't wanna regret giving up on a friendship tho of I don't want a shallow one word per day friendship either.

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Friend is distancing and I’m not sure how to correctly deal with it.

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