I am having troubling understanding something. I worry that I don’t love my partner and that I don’t want to be with them, yet I have no intentions to break up with them. Deep in my heart I know I love him, that I want something with him. Yet I still feel anxious, I felt anxious even as I typed that. It just doesn’t make sense to me.
Things like this are complicated, my first thought is to ask more about your relationship. How are you treated? Are you still able to be yourself in the ways that you want to? I've felt like this in past relationships and brushed it off for years, only to eventually realize it wasn't a healthy relationship at all. I'm 32 and at this point I feel like it's really important to be able to advocate for yourself, be comfortable alone, and leave bad situations quickly. We're compatible with so many people, but many people will force an unhealthy dynamic. It's easy not to see that side especially when you don't have much experience dating, and I still don't have much experience dating.
@roweder We are in a long distance relationship, but it is very healthy. We talk daily, call whenever we can, and make time for one another when possible. He and I have a very good bond and have since the very beginning. We do get to see one another, though not as often as I’d like. When I am with him I feel better (most of the time I can ignore the thoughts), but without him I am a mess.
@kaylee_hager oh man, long distance relationships are hard! That does sound like a really good situation! My thoughts went all over the place when I was in a long distance relationship. I got through it by telling myself that the thoughts came from how unnatural that situation is. I told myself that the thoughts about not wanting to be with her was really my primitive brain trying to coerce me into cheating or breaking up because it didn't even know that a relationship existed. We have certain functions in the brain that will release cortisol and other harmful hormones when the "primitive brain" isn't "witnessing" us having a partner or being part of a community/tribe. It thinks you're alone because it isn't actually connected to your frontal lobe. It thinks you texting is just you touching a thin sleek piece of brick. I felt like the most important thing was: don't act on it. Don't actually do anything it's telling you to do. It doesn't sound like you have a problem here which is good! After that, I think it's comforting to remind yourself that this is natural, and it's just a result of how unnatural a long distance relationship feels to our brains. They still have all those primitive structures that helped us survive when physically seeing someone was the only way to know that they're still alive, and also the only way to know that they're still devoted to you. The ancient structures of your brain are just scared by this situation. I hope this is helpful :)
@kaylee_hager So I guess an RPM could be "this is just my brain not understanding what a long distance relationship is"
@roweder Thank you so much! I have been struggling during my entire relationship. And funnily enough, it all began in my previous long distance relationship. Except that one was harmful and caused me a lot of pain.
@kaylee_hager You're welcome :) I hope it gets easier! Sorry the previous one was bad!
I know it’s long but plz read :( have been having really bad ocd about my relationship and my partner and it has gotten worse and worse over the span of like about nine months I’d say. I do acknowledge there are flaws and legit issues about him and the relationship like there are with anyone but I also know ocd has clouded my judgement and perception by analyzing everything and compulsions. For a while I kept feeling this need to get out which I know was ocd. I was really scared to spend the weekend with him because I thought I would just be annoyed and irritated cause it’s been that way for a while but he also was going through a period of high stress so maybe I was resenting him for that and I also wasn’t communicating how I should have been when I was upset because I’ve done that too much in the past. This weekend I was told in therapy to just be in the moment and not have to worry about trying to answer the question of do I love him or should I break up. It did help but It’s weird cause this weekend ended up better but I also was kind of numb? Like I was enjoying myself but didn’t feel what I always have felt in the past? Anyway, I am really anxious because i feel like if I loved him I would be supportive of when his parents compliment him or when he does well at something when instead all I think of are that I’m not happy or annoyed because of things he does that upset me or make me mad and it’s like that’s the only way my brain wants to see him as a person. Or when he is upset it feels like I don’t care like I used to because I think of how he doesn’t deserve this when he does this or he shouldn’t have this when he is like this etc. Why does my brain automatically go there? That’s horrible! I feel like I should be excited for him, rooting for him. But it also feels like I do care for him? But my thoughts keep changing. I am afraid I only am with him because I love that he loves me and how he treats me. This makes me feel selfish cause I can’t do that. I notice I still like when he cuddles me and is sweet to me and does fun things watching movies etc. And that’s not how it used to feeel which scares me because I don’t want to be without him. I also love his parents am I only with him cause of how his parents treat me? I feel so selfish and like I have to tell him and break up with him cause it’s the right thing to do. I never used to feel like this. I’m scared. Is it possible I’m just I’ve been mad and resenting how it’s been cause he’s been stressed mix with my ocd? My therapist said relationships can go through phases. Can I fall back in love with him again? I feel like I have to try to start with someone else like this is too far gone. I don’t want to stay in something where I don’t feel toward him the way I want to but I really don’t want to leave him. I feel like such an awful person cause he doesn’t deserve this and is so caring and loving despite everything the major thing that bugs me is how he gets irritable a lot which is an imperfection that makes me get anxious and question him😭 trying not to read into this and just follow what the therapist said but this is scaring me because I feel like if I loved him I wouldn’t think like this or feel like this.
I broke up with my boyfriend today because of how bad my anxiety had gotten I couldn’t tell what was my heart and what was my head. I’m heartbroken because I feel like I lost my best friend and I truly do have love for him and want him in my future. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. We broke up because I’m not on medication for my anxiety and have a doctor’s appointment coming up on Wednesday to see about getting some. I still feel anxious after our breaks but I feel guilty to admit that I do feel better. I’m still just anxious in general a little and I don’t know why. We had decided to stay in touch but not on a daily or even weekly basis, just because there is no hate in our relationship just pure love. I’m just so scared and sad that I really will lose him and be all alone.
I just read a post that said “people with ROCD know they love their partners” right when I read it I got this horrible anxiety feeling rush down into my stomach. My partner asked me to be his girlfriend in December and literally since that night It’s like a switch of doubt turned on and I was suffering with consistent doubt about loving my partner, I felt like I didn’t feel anything anymore and I didn’t know what to do and through out the past months it has been an absolute wave of things going on. He is aware of my ocd and in a way I’m glad that this happened because I have had harm ocd for the past 4-5 years and had no idea what it was until 2 months ago when I got an OCD therapist, I just thought I was crazy so I’m happy to know I’m not. Buuuuttt back to the ROCD, my main thoughts and feelings are about not feeling like i love my partner anymore and if we’re compatible, I hyper fixate on the weight he’s gained in the past few months and all the bad food he eats, I think about if our lives even align, we have very different views on some things but are we too different, what if we really don’t know each other at all and we thought we did because we’ve been best friends for 10 years. This is so frustrating because I’ve gotten to the point where my anxiety is barely there, I was have constant outrageous anxiety for 3-4 months and now I’ve gotten to this numb, I literally feel absolutely nothing feeling and it’s not even with just my boyfriend it’s with everything, I just don’t feel happy with anything anymore, I feel like there’s something wrong with me. We got into an argument the other day about how rude I was and I didn’t even feel sad or apologetic when he was talking to me about it, and I couldn’t stop crying, like I just don’t feel anything. I feel like there’s something really wrong with me. All I can describe it as is “blank” does that make sense? I feel like a bad person and I feel like we’re going to break up and I can tell how sad he is. All I do know is that I don’t want to break up. But anytime I think about him or anything along the lines of my ROCD everything like freaks me out. I like scream “NO” and “STOP” in my head all the time. But it’s starting to really feel real. I’m so scared, and now I read that post that said that “people with ROCD know they love their partner” but WHAT IF I DONT KNOW!!! I WANT TO LOVE MY PARTNER. I want to feel the love I had for him before this all started. We were so happy, and we didn’t even get the honey moon phase because my ROCD started right when we made it official. This is seriously so crippling.
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