Feel like I’m losing everything.

I really need some advice because I don’t even know if what I’m experiencing is HOCD anymore — everything feels completely different in my mind. I was in a happy, loving relationship for two years, and during that time my OCD was pretty much dormant. But for almost three months now, it’s come back full force, and it’s been absolute torture. It’s changed the way I see things and the way I think. I can’t think the way I used to. Whenever I think about my boyfriend or our relationship, it suddenly feels wrong — like being with a man doesn’t feel right anymore, even though that’s all I ever wanted. I used to picture a future with him, and it made me so happy, but now it feels impossible. My mind won’t let me enjoy those thoughts; it twists everything and replaces my real feelings with its own false narrative. I feel completely lost. Sometimes I think I should break up with my boyfriend, even though before all of this, that was the last thing I would ever want. Even now, deep down, I don’t want to — but the way my mind makes me feel toward him since this started leaves me feeling like I have no choice. I just want things to go back to normal. I used to be the happiest girl with my boyfriend, but now I feel like my brain has completely changed. I can’t connect with anything I used to enjoy, and it makes me feel like I don’t even like the things that once made me so happy.

Sexual Orientation OCD

anonymous00001

Date posted: 5w

I’m so sorry. I know how you feel. I once felt like this and now I’m happier than ever in my relationship. It took a lot of work and commitment to ERP, but it also took some healing of my own fears and wounds around commitment, sexuality, and love in general. I can’t tell you if your thoughts are “real”, in the end it almost doesn’t even matter. For me, I could not have made a sound decision until I learned how to sit with anxiety and uncertainty because my instinct to flee was coming from pure fear. Once that anxiety became easier to tolerate, my own feelings sort of surfaced naturally. It’s like shaking up a snow globe: you shake and shake trying to get the answer, but it’s once you put it down and let the pieces settle when things become more clear. I hope this helps!

bethx

Date posted: 5w

@anonymous00001 I just don’t understand I’ve never been attracted to a women or had a crush on a women, I’ve always just found men attractive, always been with men and always have wanted to be. I’m confused because before this came back I felt so in love with my boyfriend, I wasn’t losing any feelings for him found him so attractive, wanted to be with him all the time and now it’s taking all of that away from me and even more.

bethx

Date posted: 5w

@anonymous00001 I thought I was starting to feel a bit better, was having more moments of clarity for a while but the last few days it’s been around ovulation and I’ve just felt like everything’s got so much worse again.

anonymous00001

Date posted: 5w

@bethx I’m so sorry 💔 I know the feeling well and I know how painful it is. :( Are you in therapy?

bethx

Date posted: 5w

Even the most simple things I used to love doing with my boyfriend, like lying in bed and cuddling him etc it’s making me feel like I don’t like this anymore and that it’s wrong :((

bethx

Date posted: 5w

In the past it has never been this bad, in the past I still knew deep down I was still into men. In my past relationship it never grabbed on to my boyfriend and twisted everything. This is the one person I have been with that I always said I felt so in love and everything I have wanted to feel and this has now happened. It is scaring me so much and I’m losing all hope.

🫠

Date posted: 5w

Hey, I feel the same way. ❤️ It started happening when the relationship was getting more serious, ie moving in together. Maybe that's happening with you??

bethx

Date posted: 5w

@🫠 It’s absolutely awful, I feel like a completely different person now. I went through a long period of stress and noticed that my thoughts were gradually starting to come back until one day they just got so bad and now I’m back here but 100x worse 😞

🫠

Date posted: 5w

@bethx Not sure if this link will work, but it does go in-depth on ROCD and how it can appear in a happy relationship https://pca.st/episode/6930ea73-38d5-492b-a0c8-679d65d45fb3

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