- Date posted
- 5y
- Date posted
- 5y
I just keep fearing I’m in denial. I fear I’m losing attraction and feeling towards my bf bc I’m so depressed. I fear I’m going to fall in love with a girl randomly. It’s sucks. I hate it ?
- Date posted
- 5y
I'm afraid to get a job because I'm scared that I'll fall in love with a female coworker ?
- Date posted
- 5y
@hateocd123 Ugh YES I feel that. I’m a hair stylist so I work with all girls. But I’m afraid to go to the gym, the bar, the store. Literally it’s awful. My bf has been the most patient person with me. ?
- Date posted
- 5y
@Ocdandme123 Your boyfriend knows about your hocd? Any tips for telling mine?
- Date posted
- 5y
@hateocd123 Yes! It’s been about two months since my hocd started and I told him a week after because he just knew something was not okay. I have never cried so much cuz I was so scared to tell him and so scared of what was going on. When I told him, it was before I knew about hocd so I straight up cried to him telling him I think I might be into girls. And his response was “oh that’s it? I thought it was going be something way worse” and he just you know asked me if I still loved him and if I was attracted to him still and if I still liked guys too. I was so confused. I didn’t even know if I was into girls but i was obsessing over it so bad. Worried myself sick that whole first week. And he has been patient and there for me since. He hold me when I cry and makes sure I’m okay every day. I suggest if you love him and trust him and want a possible future with him then he should love you no matter what and be there for you through thick and thin.
- Date posted
- 5y
@Ocdandme123 Knowing my boyfriend he'd probably have the same response. I'm going to tell him.
- Date posted
- 5y
@hateocd123 I think you should! Mine helps me to stay positive! He tells me everything is going to be okay and we’re gonna get through this together and he’s not going anywhere. I have told him literally everything that is on my mind about it. It’s weird convos sometimes but I hope that this will be over soon after hard work and it will make us stronger as a couple and closer
- Date posted
- 5y
@hateocd123 How are u girls now? Going through same thing
- Date posted
- 5y
@Ocdandme123 How are u now I’m going through same thing!!
- Date posted
- 5y
@jivanovi I'm not much better YET, but I just started therapy so hopefully soon
- Date posted
- 5y
@hateocd123 I rela the d to everything you said, it’s like u have so much proof that u are and it freaks you out, my boyfriend is so understanding of it and I’m so happy but it’s killing me, I’m starting therapy soon also
- Date posted
- 5y
Same for me. It feels soooooo real. So real. That I could go out and fall in love with a girl but I don’t feel that way towards girls. I’ve only ever loved guys. Had crushes on guys. Like there’s just no way. My coworker keeps telling me I wouldn’t know though unless I tried to love a girl. But I just can’t take this shit. It feels so damn real.
- Date posted
- 5y
I had hocd as a kid at like 11-13 on and off. I went around 8 years with a different theme (mostly death ocd) in between, not knowing about my OCD yet (I knew I always had weird obsessions, but I thought I was the only one and I didn't know it was ocd) I thought that maybe my childhood thing was proof that I was bisexual. I didn't have hocd at that point so I didn't really care. I tried to like girls, but it didn't work, so been there done that lmao. Now I have really severe hocd that has convinced me not that I'm bi, but that I'm just gay instead. This makes no sense lmao. It started this time around because I got really anxious seeing a picture of a girl on Instagram. I started looking up stuff to figure out if maybe I was in denial, or what and I found out about hocd and then everything fell into place. I realized that all of the weird obsessions I've had my whole life including contamination, harm, scrupulosity, pocd, ect were part of a disorder. I knew my dad had OCD but I always thought that it was just contamination/just right related... then I worked up the courage to tell him and my mom and he shared that from childhood to his late 20s he'd been through almost all of the same things. I don't think my hocd would have taken off if I hadn't gone to my friend's house and gotten cross faded. This was like a day or two after I told my parents. My friend's really homophobic brother took my phone and I'm almost positive that he went through my search history. Seeing that I searched things like gay denial, how do you know if you're a lesbian, and hocd he confronted me after his friend made a joke that he thinks I'm in love with my friend (absolutely not even if I was gay). He said that he thinks I'm a lesbian and that I need to come out if the closet and that it's disgusting. Of course being drunk and mega stoned I freaked the fuck out. I speed walked home before it was even light outside. Since then my brain has been absolutely screwed. ? sorry for the rant, but yeah.
- Date posted
- 5y
@hateocd123 Oh to add to the hell I've been going through my friend's whole family thinks that I'm in denial and has even made jokes about it, so I cut them off. I don't fuck with people who aren't willing to understand me. They think OCD is being obsessively organized and there's no convincing them otherwise. I told my friend about the harm OCD and I was treated like a murderous wackjob, so fuck them.
- Date posted
- 5y
@hateocd123 Damn that is so shitty of them I’m sorry you went through that. :(
Related posts
- Date posted
- 15w
I’ve been dealing with SOOCD for over a year now, and I have been having a very hard day today. I feel like I just need someone to talk too, my whole life I’ve always had girl crushes and always wanted to be romantic with women . Ever since I posted this picture on instagram and one person said I looked “zesty” in it , which is when I started obsessing about being gay . I feel like I put so much meaning to these thoughts where now I’m always checking how I feeling around men. I had a really bad porn addiction for a long time and bad anxiety which fucked up my sex drive. I feel like I doubt if I’m attracted to women when I know I am , but the doubt is so overbearing where I start to believe it . I never was interested in men sexually, and my ocd makes me feel like I like the thoughts even though I feel no pleasure out of it. I feel like I lost who I am as a person . It feels like I don’t even know what my sexuality is and it’s really upsetting to me . I meant this girl the other day and she is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met and I just feel like ocd is getting in the way😭😭😭 please any advice or comments
- Date posted
- 11w
I really need help understanding what I’m going through. For a long time now, I’ve been struggling with thoughts and feelings about women that confuse and scare me. Sometimes I feel this strange emotional or mental ‘pull’ toward certain women — it’s not exactly sexual, and not clearly romantic either, but it feels like something, and it triggers deep anxiety. When I see a beautiful woman or a WLW (woman-loving-woman) couple, I feel something that I can’t explain — sometimes I think it’s just admiration or aesthetic appreciation, but OCD keeps telling me: “You felt something, so you must be gay,” or “You’re hiding something.” I get stuck in endless loops, trying to analyze these moments and label them. Even when I feel physical or emotional reactions, they don’t feel natural or aligned with who I am. They feel like a reaction to the idea of women, not real attraction. I try to be honest with myself — I even told a friend I might be bisexual at some point, just to test if that felt more comfortable. But it didn’t. It made things worse, and I felt like I lost touch with who I am. I don’t want to lie to myself or live in denial, but I’m exhausted. It feels like I’m being mentally forced to feel something that isn’t mine. I’m 14, and I understand that things might still be developing, but I can’t help feeling like I’ve always been drawn to men, and never naturally wanted women that way. Still, I keep doubting everything. Is this real attraction or OCD feeding false feelings and thoughts? Can OCD create emotional or mental sensations that feel like desire? I’m so scared that I’ll lose myself, or find out something I never wanted. I just want peace and to feel like myself again.
- Date posted
- 10w
MY STORY i’ve grown up in a mostly supportive family and area and we are not homophobic. i grew up knowing what gay people were and i don’t care i grew up not to care. im from nj. my parents are friends with a lesbian couple and we see them once in while. i grew up watching people like joey graceffa whose gay. i also had some school friends that were gay like this kid kevin and this girl elizabeth. i also babysit a little gay boy who likes to dress up as a girl and i always tell him to embrace it and defend him. i wouldn’t care if a friend was gay or anything like i wouldn’t care if my sister was it would just make me rethink things about myself i think. from a young age i liked male attention and had labeled boys as crushes from my mom says. i dont think i liked girls when i was younger and my mom said it was only guys. but idk maybe there was. However i do remeber hairy men when i was younger would gross me out like with black hair and pale. my mom said every since i was a little girl i would tell her i liked boys. as i got older and in middle school i always wanted guys to want me and think i was funny and pretty and i would get awkward around them and nervous around them. but i remeber i didn’t have specific things i found hot or attractive and if someone said something was hot i would just agree and start telling myself it was hot even when i didn’t care i just wanted to be cool. then hocd hit at 13-15 during covid where i was so confused. the first time i had hocd i would like not avoid the thoughts i would do a lot of testing to figure it out for hours and hours in diffrent ways and would feel the same arousal and attraction im feeling now. but i remeber wanting to end up straight and try and rule out gay stuff. but it wasn’t avoidance i didnt have anything against gay people. when the thoughts were still there i still would only act on stuff with boys. when i first had it i remeber crying to my mom for like a month and i was like whatever she’s not helping im gonna figure this out by myself. that’s when i started testing myself for two years. over time it was just there. ofc it was distressing but i don’t remember much. slowly when i went to high school it faded because i loved going to parties and flirting with guys and talking about them and thinking what boy am i gonna kiss tonight it’s gonna be a crazy night. when covid ended and we went back to real like i started going to parties and kissing boys. i started dating one boy and we would talk all the time just not really hangout so we broke up because i wanted more male attention and was kinda bored of the relation shop. i started hu with this one boy and like didn’t really know if i was into it cause i kinda wanted to hoe around and we were kinda like locked in and i didn’t know if i wanted that. so he got the hint i wasn’t into it and stopped talking to me moved on to another girl and got popular in the span of like two weeks. after this i was obsessed with him and got all nervous to see him and i always just wanted to be like can we go back to the way we were. we then started to “hate” eachother and i was so sad all the time he didn’t want me anymore and moved on. we hooked up in and off for two years. then i started hooking up with this one kid cause i always thought he was really funny and chill. we hooked up for a little and then i started to get the ick. i then got with like two other boys at parties. so then we stopped talking and i started talking to the “hate eachother kid” again. we then started dating and he’s my current boyfriend of a little over a year. all these instances made me feel good and i loved the attention and drama. but i struggled with committing with people. i don’t know if this all for validation because i loved when men wanted me it gave me an ego boost and still does even if i didn’t really want them or couldn’t get it to last with a boy. i’m scared it was all for attention and confidence there attention gave me. i liked feeling like a baddie. i liked when the hot funny guys liked me now at 18 it’s back and for six months all i been doing is talking to my mom my sister and my dad about it constantly researching and checking and for those six months i was in a haze of just despair. i was also in erp but it was so bad i couldn’t sit with the distress so i didn’t make much progress and my pyscuatrust told me to stop for a while until we get my brain right with meds. after three weeks no erp and more meds of seretonin and rexulti i finally don’t feel distress or anxious but the feelings of attraction are still there. i thought there supposed to vanish. i’m from nj and from a supportive family and ig supportive environment and friends. i’m 18. and in high school okay so growing up my mo said i only liked guys and would talk about guy crushes and had two celebrity guy crushes. this was all the way up into middle school. then when middle school came around i started liking this guy cause he was funny and popular. then we started dating and everytime he would do something affectionate i would start crying and get so tense and freak out so i broke up with him because he made me so nervous . a year later i still liked him and i got back together with him and the same thing happened so i broke up with him. i think during middle school i liked guys. my mom said i did. i also would get really nervous when any of them would come around to hangout and i wouldn’t talk. but i would also just follow what my friends and sister said. if they said a guy was hot i would just agree. i dont know if i actually found them attractive. i still kinda do this to this day. then covid hit for two years. during those two years i was in my house house and got hocd. so i had hocd sexual intrusive thoughts only and had the groinal really bad. but i would still try and have crushes on guys and think i did. but my hocd also attached itself to one of my pretty friends who was a girl. it made me have a lot of sexual thoughts that i would masturbate to about her. it was about her waist and stuff and it made me loose myself. before hocd me and her were bestfriends and really close and im not sure if i had feelings for her. i mean i was always jealous cause all the guys always wanted her and thought she was pretty. then we got out of covid and i was now in high school. the hocd slowly faded my freshman year. in the begining of freshman year there was this tall brunette guy who i started talking too for months and started dating and i would get all nervous when he came around. i really liked him and enjoyed talking to him. then we broke up cause we never hung out. after that for the next two years i developed what i thought two be two genuine crushes. i would make out with cute guys at parties for the experience and to add cute guys to my kids list. basically hocd was gone but i did this one thing sometimes i did is i would always try to prove i was straight to my mom. like if we were watching tv i would say a guy was hot. i didn’t want her to think i was gay even though she wouldn’t care at all but i would do this because she was the only one i would talk to about my sexual intrusive thoughts and feelings. i was hooking up with my guy best friend but then started to looses interest but he was still obsessed. one day he caught on i wasn’t into it started hanging out with older people and going to there parties and started hooking up with this older girl. i got super jealous and heartbroken cause he didn’t care about me. i don’t know if this heartbreak and crying was because he got popular, he wasn’t giving me attention, we weren’t friends anymore or because i actually liked him. i always had a thing for him after this. i started going to the older people parties and i always wanted to see him there and make him jealous. one and half years later we started talking again and we started dating. once we started dating we started having sex. almost every time or most of the time i finish when he eats me out, we have actual sex or if we’re just humping. we say i love you and stuff. ths first six months we would do everything together like just little shopping trips or whatever. we were always hanging out. then it started to dial down and i started getting annoyed with him sometimes which my mom and sister said was normal. but i still said love you and we would hangout and have sex but idk. i would have thoughts like we aren’t going to last because he’s not smart enough, and sometimes my mom would say this too. but she would also say how much he loved me and how he was such a sweet guy and how he would do anything for me. but idk i just wouldn’t feel it. like i still showed pda and did like him. would a lesbian who didn’t know it yet likely date a guy for a year and a half at 18, have sex like once a week, have orgasmed during penetration, creamed, squirted finished by his hands and mouth then hocd hit again. this time much worse. it was even stronger it felt like with the feelings. the first three months i was in this haze and was crying everyday that i might be gay and how i really really really didn’t want to be. i still have hocd and im in therapy and on medication. i cant tell if my attraction to men is real. my mom says it is and she knows me and im not gay and ive shown genuine excitement about guys. my sister says the same thing. but it feel like ive convinced myself ive been doing it to fit in. the thoughts got bad and ive told my mom my sister my dad and ive told three friends. my mom and sister ive told the details too or the intrusive thoughts and false attraction. i’ve always found women attractive and i find it easier to find them attractive like physically but never felt this way can i conclude im not lesbian? or like is it likely my attraction to men hasn’t been genuine
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