Stuck in a mental war

I’m stuck in a war because I keep thinking my boyfriend is going to breakup with me, which then leads me to want to google the signs, but if I google the signs I know it will not make me feel better, but not googling the sign is making me think that I don’t wanna google it because I know that I’ll get an answer I don’t want and that’s why I’m avoiding googling it. Which is true I am SCARED I don’t know that I’ll see answers I don’t want to see. So then I’m thinking do I now google it for erp because I’m avoiding googling and maybe it would be good to see the sign and go maybe this is happening maybe it’s not but I also know googling is a compulsion so I should resist googling. So I’m stuck.

Relationship OCD

j vv

Date posted: Yesterday

Hi Secretidentity 👋 it was brave of you to share this! Great job at recognizing your feelings here—you are scared, and recognizing that you are feeling compelled to act. In therapy, I had to work really hard to recognize when I was acting out of fear vs. my values. If fear is making me want to act NOW, I know that is likely OCD and can simply disengage from the intrusive thought. Maybe you could try sitting with the discomfort of doing nothing about this for 10 minutes as ERP instead. At the very least, slowing down will help you get a handle on the tools you’ve been working on in therapy! So sorry you are feeling this way, you’re definitely not alone. I had a high symptom day just yesterday. There was a lot of pausing and waiting for OCD to calm down before continuing my day—that’s just how it is. Best of luck! 💜

Secretidentity

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 22h

@j vv Thank you for your response I ended up just laying in bed with the thought until I eventually fell asleep. I can tell today is going to be a high symptom day… I’m still having trouble knowing if thoughts are being driven by fear or my values. Could you maybe share something’s that Help you differentiate between the two?

j vv

Date posted: 19h

@Secretidentity No problem! High symptom days happen. When I have mine, it feels like OCD is pushing a gas pedal in my mind, trying to push me forward in a panic to *do something*. My thoughts begin to race. My heart rate picks up. All of a sudden, things feel very, very urgent. At its very worst, it feels like I’m in the middle of a hurricane, getting pelted by thoughts. In therapy, I learned I don’t have to sort all of my thoughts by asking “is this me? Or is this OCD?” I can simply recognize when I am being gripped by fear and the compulsive desire to act…and just *stop doing things*. I would hit the purple SOS button on the app, and label the fear or compulsion, and just wait 5-10 minutes and enjoy breathing and being present. Pretty soon the hurricane would lessen, and sometimes I would feel like I was in a peaceful eye of the storm. From there, it was pretty easy to sort out what to do next—make a choice according to my values. In your case, this might mean accepting the reality that relationships can end—which is scary!—and continuing to be a loving partner and true to yourself in your relationship regardless of whether it is ending. Definitely bring up your struggles with your therapist and try to identify where the root fear is. Coming up with a game plan for when this compulsion shows up beforehand makes handling it much easier in the moment! You may never know if or when a relationship can end, sometimes at no fault of your often, but you can always live according to your values. Be you. Trust yourself! Don’t let OCD stress you out—the uncertainty it fears is what keeps life exciting. 💜

Justmesadly

Date posted: 24w

Spiraling

Please help I am having the worst spiral I have had in 5 years. I am doing so bad to the point I could not even sleep. I’m so scared, anxious and confused. I did ocd therapy for a long time and my therapist told me I was doing so well I needed to stop. Which I was until about 2-3 weeks ago it started back super bad. And now as of yesterday the intrusive thoughts feel more definitive. They are making me spiral, it literally feels like my brain is jumping from side to side. I love my boyfriend more than I knew was humanly possible. I haven’t lost my attraction to him, not that I know of… I don’t want to break up with him bc i love him, I think he’s hot, I want to marry him but I’m terrified that I am just lying and that the feelings never were true! I don’t know how to make it stop. I tried all night not to research and I had to give in. 😭 this is hell

abbeyhaas

Date posted: 10w

I don’t know what to do

Recently i got stuck in a loop with a terrible intrusive thought about my boyfriend. it’s been rattling in my mind and i feel disgusted and scared and like an evil horrible person. i keep saying things like “intrusive thoughts attack who/what you care about the most” but i think my compulsion (researching; looking up ocd intrusive thoughts and watching others experiencing the same thing) had made it hard to believe that. Im not super concerned about the harm portion because im beating it but now its turned me numb towards my boyfriend after feeling so guilty and scared and everything. i just don’t know what to do its like my body and brain is trying to push me away. we also spend every single day together so im wondering if maybe thats why its so bad? like i feel AWFUL. and i cant stop crying and i havent told him any of this because i don’t want to scare him or make him think im crazy. any tips or words would be appreciated.

OCD newbies

eweiner

Date posted: 8w

The grey area

It’s so hard sometimes to differentiate between a genuine need and a compulsion. I’ve been feeling insecure in my relationship and I just want to keep asking for attention, I’ve been doing a lot of mental review and checking compulsions and prompting to see if he “still cares,” but I know it is coming from a place of wanting more verbal affection. I’m sitting with this instead of talking to him about it right now but I also want to be able to communicate how I’m actually feeling. I don’t know, it’s just Blegh and I want someone to tell me what to do but I know that’s not good for me.

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Stuck in a mental war

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