Avoidant attachment and ocd

Hey everyone. I hope you all are doing okay. I’m currently struggling in the worse way I have through the course of my relationship. We are doing long distance right now, and I am unfortunately in the worse place I have been in. The uncertainty is absolutely unbearable. He is doing a cool new, consuming job 7 hours a way. He loves it, but I fear him loving the job so much that he stops caring about me. I have definitely noticed a shift in the amount of time he texts me and the energy he can give to the relationship. The job actually started off with 2 weeks of no phone. He has it again now though. We saw each other a couple of days ago in person for the last time we would in about two months. I was okayish when we were in person though I knew I would spiral later. And spiral I did. He left and I broke down. I am worried I will lose him. I start a really intensive EMT program in a week. It will be all-consuming for me. I can’t sleep very much and I don’t feel like eating. I know it’s pathetic. I am constantly consumed by these fears. I think I know what I need to do to combat them. Accept uncertainty but it feels like the possibly of it ending feels more real than ever. And I literally can NOT stop thinking about it. My brain feels in danger!!! I just worry that bad stuff is actually happening. I think we are going through a rough patch, but I also just feel more alone than ever. Drowning in my mind. What do I believe? I have a past of ocd, so it wouldn’t be surprised if it’s getting intertwined. Most people would say: it’s okay to ask him for reassurance about the relationship!!! But I feel like that’s the trap for me. I don’t know how to move forward. I know things are tough for us right now. But I’ve been floating back and forth on a spectrum of well maybe I just have trust to maybe this literally won’t work out!!! Texting and communicating over text is really hard for me. I am constantly analyzing it: how much energy is he giving? How much energy am I giving? Well I don’t want to do all the emotional labor, and be the main texter. But I also don’t care about texting that much and get exhausted with this back and forth.

So for context, I've just started seeing someone. He's really handsome, sweet and very respectful. He has ADHD, so he's quite literally all over the place; Impulsive behavior type things. Well, he's starting to get inconsistent with texting and when that's the only communication we use, it becomes a battle for me. He always says he's working, which to be fair, he is, but it didn't stop him in the beginning. Again, I know he has ADHD and no two days are alike, that being said, I notice even the slightest change in texts. It's quite literally a curse. So I over analyze EVERYTHING to point of anger and tears, then I obsess if he even still likes me, if he's slowly phasing me out or ghosting me. Then when he does message me, I feel some sense of relief, but I notice he's not the same as he was before. He's done this to me a couple times, so I'm getting used to it. He told me yesterday he couldn't come see me because he was fixing his car, which he was - he showed a picture and posted them online, too. He's a car enthusiast, so he's always doing crazy things like that. So I woke up with the knowledge that he was working on his car today, only to find out he went to the beach. It felt like a punch to the gut. I tried reasoning with myself that maybe he went with his parents or a friend and he still had to finish working on his car, but then the dark, obsessive thoughts started creeping in and I spent the entire day miserable and over analyzing all of our texts and constantly checking to see if he still follows me on Instagram. I didn't even realize my OCD was this bad. I really just thought it was perfectionism, and it still is, but I'm afraid it's about relationships, too, and I'm concerned that I'll be this way with every man I date, given I actually find one 😔

Hey there, I have had fears of having BPD (especially fears around identity) for six months now. I’ve been told by four therapists I don’t have it. I am diagnosed with OCD, OCPD, BDD, and ADHD.  I have been engaging in compulsions pretty much every hour of every day for the past six months.  I heavily monitor myself in all ways. Even a mood shift will send me into a spiral. I am currently in a really really bad loop about BPD identity disturbance all because my interest focus shifted to things I haven’t paid attention to in awhile when the other day I was heavily into cathedrals, castles, 90’s whimsical etc. (note i have always enjoyed that stuff and still do) but today my focus isn’t on those things at the moment. I’ve liked the same music and a lot of the same things since I was 9 (but more refined) but the genres I like cycle like in seasons. If i am around someone who has similar interests as me even if I haven’t paid attention to them in a little - it will re-spark excitement. But of course my OCD flags that as identity issues and then questions everything. I also recently broke up with my partner of 4 years. The Texting Conflict • I was at breakfast with my grandmother after helping her drop off her car to get her windshield fixed (so I had been driving the whole time. • I didn’t reply right away to one of his casual texts after I read it and got side tracked, but I did later clarify: “I’m out eating with my grandmother babe” when he texted again. He then left me on read. I followed up with a call afterward on my way home to chat. • It only took one hour for him to escalate with multiple needy texts after I left him on read, then stonewalled me the rest of the day and the following morning. The following morning I sent a kind “Good morning” text - he gave me a cold response, then eventually gave me an ultimatum: “change or we’re done.” • I chose self-respect instead of bending unfairly. 1. Respond quicker every single time • He wanted me to never miss a reply or delay in texting. • Why it’s unfair: I’m present and responsive the majority of the time (about 98%). I’ve told him before that sometimes I get busy or forget — ADHD plays a role in that, and it’s not intentional or personal. It doesn’t mean I don’t care. 2. Stop putting my phone on sleep mode • He didn’t like that I had notifications silenced. • Why it’s unfair: Sleep mode is a healthy boundary for me — it reduces overwhelm and allows me to decide when to check messages (which is crucial with ADHD). It has nothing to do with rejecting him, and everything to do with managing my mental health. 3. Stop talking about OCD “problems” • He threw my OCD struggles back in my face, saying “all we talk about are your problems.” • Why it’s unfair: I don’t choose OCD — it’s part of my reality. Early on, he told me he was with me through it, but later used it as ammunition. Not long ago, he even walked out on me during an OCD flare-up that wasn’t about him. I even gave him resources on loving someone with OCD, yet he ignored that and repeated the same behavior. 4. Expecting disproportionate attention • He got upset when I didn’t give him enough attention for a mild cold while he was overseas — meanwhile, I was battling OCD fears that had nothing to do with him. • Why it’s unfair: The situations weren’t comparable. He expected more empathy for a temporary cold than he was willing to extend to me for a chronic, distressing condition. 5. Ultimatum: “Change or we’re done” • His final move was to demand that I fundamentally change how I operate or lose the relationship. • Why it’s unfair: This wasn’t a request for compromise — it was an ultimatum that required me to abandon who I am and how I manage my life. That’s not love, that’s control. ⸻ My Conduct • I remained mature and respectful throughout. • I communicated my reality clearly (ADHD, OCD, sleep mode, my need for balance). • I didn’t lash out or act impulsively — I stood firm on fairness and authenticity. ⸻ Emotional Support Pattern • When I shared vulnerable things (like my dream about my grandparents’ house), his replies were often short and dismissive (“Oh no bbbb”), delayed, or surface-level. • But when he shared trivial things (like a poop text), he expected me to respond right away — and got upset if I didn’t. ⸻ His Shifting Stance • At first, he told me “I support you and understand.” • Later, he flipped to “All we talk about are your problems.” • That shift showed me his support was conditional — he wanted credit for being supportive, but when it required real patience, he grew resentful and used it against me. ⸻ My Response • I was consistent: I expressed my needs, explained my side, and even showed growth • I refused to compromise my authenticity when faced with an ultimatum. • I saw that his lack of reciprocity — short replies, withdrawal, double standards — was the real issue, not me. ⸻ My Core Takeaway • This relationship wasn’t balanced. I gave consistent communication, honesty, and growth. • He gave mixed signals: sometimes affectionate, but also dismissive, resentful, and controlling. • His lack of response to my vulnerability, his double standards around communication, and his flip from “I support you” to “you’re too much” revealed that he couldn’t meet me with true reciprocity. • When he demanded unfair change, I upheld my boundary. I didn’t overreact — I acted from self-respect and fairness. But then of course even through empowerment after the breakup (I cried over it for one day and now I’m fine) - I worried if I acted BPD in any way. 😑 I’m tired.