HOCD

Feeling really discouraged today and wanted to update after my last post. I honestly thought I was starting to get better. I was having more moments where I felt the way I wanted to feel. The thoughts weren’t as intense, I felt happier, and I wasn’t feeling anxious around my boyfriend whether I was thinking of him or spending time with him. But right after I made that post, it’s like everything flipped. I woke up the next day and the last few days have been some of the worst. All the negative feelings came rushing back. When I think about my boyfriend now, it’s just fear, doubt, and that horrible “off” feeling again. I haven’t had any moments of clarity or relief just constant anxiety, nonstop thoughts, and doubts about everything. It’s gotten to the point where I’m scared this isn’t OCD anymore, and that maybe this is just who I am now. I feel like I’ve lost the old me and I’m terrified I won’t get back to that version of myself. Just needed to share this because it’s been so heavy, and I’m hoping someone might relate or have been through a similar setback.

Sexual Orientation OCD

Itwillgetbet...

Date posted: 2d

I’m with you on this one. I go back and forth between feeling good and feeling off. It’s the worst feeling.

kroo

Date posted: 2d

I think we just have to realize that we are the person we aspire to be. That person is not gone, just masked because of OCD. You are so strong, and just have to remember that you will not lose your true self

LV4523

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2d

I totally understand the feeling off thing. It’s just part of the cycle. Something that has helped me in recovery is acknowledging that I find comfort in feeling good and I latch onto that feeling whenever I am not spiraling. I use that feeling as proof. But it’s important to remember that we should be treating intrusive thoughts and feelings exactly the same. You are NOT alone!!!

Gettingmylif...

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: Yesterday

I totally relate. I have had many so ocd episodes since i first had it 5 years ago. I over think everything with my fiancé when i am in one. When out of the episode it is great but in one its horrible

bethx

Date posted: Yesterday

@Gettingmylifeback I honestly hate it so much, mines has been here since August and hasn’t left, I started to feel better for the first time since it started but it just went away again. It makes me feel completely off with my partner, it’s like I want nothing to do with him or men in general or like my brain physically won’t let me even think of him without my stomach dropping. When I was feeling good I could see a future with us and was enjoying all those moments but now it’s back my anxiety will not let me vision it without it feeling wrong now?

Gettingmylif...

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: Yesterday

@bethx I can relate so much. I got engaged in June and was so genuinely happy and we looked at venues in july and booked our wedding for a couple years time. I felt so happy and could envision our future. Recently i have started to get the theme back abit and i panic about the wedding sometimes because i feel like im lying to him

kroo

Date posted: 19h

I hope that everyone on here has supportive partners -- they mean so much. But I agree with feeling as though you are lying to them. Whenever I tell him I feel good, it feels as though I just wait for the shoe to drop until I'm back to crying in his arms.

carrotroot12

Date posted: 8w

Another memory here to haunt me/someone respond!!!

I had a best friend middle school. We were friends for a long time and I can guarantee with 100% certainty that not once did I ever have any crush or romantic feelings for her. No matter how much I analyze it, I can’t find any trace of romantic feelings. However what is eating me alive right now, is a time where she was showing me a martial arts move and I was VERY uncomfortable. I’m not really a touchy person even with friends I’ve never been comfortable with hugging or anything like that. Even if i’m very comfortable with that friend I just don’t like to be touchy feely. But when she was showing me her martial arts moves I immediately got very uncomfortable and stiff especially because to my brain it was like a sexual position and I didn’t like it. So as I sat there full of discomfort she was sitting on my groin and my focus went to my groin and I felt a tingle. I immediately got up and just felt disgusted and again, UNCOMFORTABLE. Yk that uncomfortable distressing feeling you get with a groinal response? that’s how it felt. I don’t remember what happened after but it never changed my sexuality or how I viewed her. I completely forgot about it and we remained friends for a little while in high school but nothing ever changed. Now that my OCD has latched onto my childhood exploration/reaction to sexual content/porn use/ false memories/this particular memory/ and me mistaking a cartoon character and masc lesbian as men, I have been going actually insane. Before my spiral i completely forgot ab all of this. It didn’t mean anything to me and changed nothing. The logical side of my brain tells me I’m obsessing over nothing, my real genuine feelings i’ve had for men all my life and the ones I felt for my boyfriend after years of numbness, are the real me. But my OCD is telling me it HAS to mean something that i know nothing about myself. But what tf does ocd know if even when I had no attraction and had absolutely 0 libido(still happening but worse now) I was in my mans car 2 months ago literally wanting him to kiss me, feeling a thick layer of attraction for him, admiring his smile and his eyes, and this was when my mind was clear and ocd let wasn’t fully running my life. I feel my mind and body shutting down again. I’m going back to that fully numb place again. It’s crazy because I felt like I was slowly defeating OCD a couple months ago. The feelings I felt for my (now) boyfriend after years of feeling nothing were coming back and made me feel like I could fight this. Now I feel like everything is ruined again. I miss how I used to feel about my man. I’m going crazy again I FUCKING HATE THIS. I used to be able to tune this out and enjoy my time with him but not anymore. This is consuming me again. The checking, rumination, mental reviewing, analyzing, reassurance, hyper awareness, the numbness, loss of attraction, the fucking debilitating anxiety IS DRIVING ME INSANE. I’m questioning everything I do and feel, even the good feelings I have with my boyfriend. I miss who i was 2 months ago even if it was still slightly controlled by ocd, I had hope. My posts when the spiral was barely started showed how much hope I had. Now i have lost it. I feel anxious and like a liar when I call, text, or am round him when it used to give me peace. I just reminisce thinking about our early dates and I feel like those feelings are fully lost. I don’t wish this type of pain on anyone.

unkindledhis...

Date posted: 7w

SO-OCD and ROCD FLARE UP

Hello! I've been trying to help out people earlier today, which I love to do. But damn, I'm feeling the flare-up super bad today. The thoughts, the sensations (mainly groinals and somatic; nausea and throat tightness, the urges, and feelings were non-stop today. And I probably reinforced that through compulsions of checking, testing, and reading forums. It really felt like I was back at square one ever since September started. I had a really bad and short episode of health OCD, which exposed me to my triggers. Now it's come back SO-OCD and ROCD have come back to bite me harder plus the pressure of taking the nursing board exams this November. It all just feels too overwhelming. I kept getting thoughts like "What if I'm lying, What if I acted a certain way, which where other people might think you're another orientation, What if I'm using OCD as an excuse, Why did I dream about this, Why did my body react like this, why did you move like this, maybe you don't love your gf" it's just all what ifs, the whys, the doubts and it became too much today that I actually broke down. Prior to these themes, I really was happy, I just wanted to live life with my gf because she brought color to my world and she made me genuinely happy. For once, I was really happy. But then these themes came and ruined a lot of things. I still want to live life with her, to be able to see her smile every day. I just love my girlfriend so much, and it hurts me just thinking about not being with her. I hate this disorder so much, and how much it took things away from me ever since I was little. The doubts, the distress, the trauma this caused, I grieve for my past self. I find myself constantly breaking down, and it still hurts that I'm robbed of my identity, my life, my love for my partner. I know these are just intrusions, manifestations that feel so strong. I know I can still do the things I want together with my girlfriend. But damn, I just wish I could catch a break and enjoy the things and people I love. Sorry, I had to let it all out.

bethx

Date posted: 5w

Losing hope

My HOCD has gotten so bad to the point where I can’t even vision myself being with my boyfriend or even a man in the future when before all this I could, I can’t vision anything with me or a man - it’s suddenly causing me anxiety, doubt and a feeling of it being wrong. I’m hurting in ways I can’t even describe. I was in one of the best relationships I genuinely felt so in love, I was the happiest i had been always wanted to be around my boyfriend. It’s gotten to the point where I even see the word boyfriend and it gives me anxiety. I really don’t know what has happened or a way past this even though I have got past it before but it’s never made me feel this type of way. I’m losing hope 💔

Sexual Orientation OCD

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