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@BigGyro09 the urge to confess is hitting me hard right now and i’m just trying to let it pass but ughhh it’s difficult. the initial sort of panic after seeing a specific comment section online passed but it’s been lingering for a bit now. it’s some of the same things i think i’ve already spoke of on here as well. i just sort of wish i had someone i could tell all of this to who understands how ocd works but i know that likely wouldn’t help and would only lead to me engaging in more and more compulsions. i’m not even sure how much detail would be too much to go into with a therapist because i don’t want to use that to confess either. i also just feel guilty about some of the times i’ve already confessed and wish i could take it back. also, it’s good to hear from you again! i’m glad you’re doing better, especially with having compassion for yourself :)) i’m trying to do the same as well. i suppose everyone has things about themselves or their past that they likely wouldn’t tell other people and would get negative feedback, it’s just a bit hard to not catastrophize over it. realistically i know i don’t need to tell everyone these things but i sometimes feel like i’m deceiving them if i don’t and they’ll somehow find out anyways, which is just another ocd thing that feels all too real.

@worryywart I was getting the urge to confess when I was talking to this woman I have a crush on. I eventually let it pass but it sucks having to think about the things I did and I just think what if she knew that about that side of me. It good that you acknowledge that the thought of telling someone who understands OCD and will support you won't help because it will lead to more compulsions. Confessing is definitely one of the hardest compulsions to get passed beside ruminating for sure. I'm really sorry that it's hard for you. It's hard for me too. Yes I am doing better. I'm having ups and downs with my days, but today is a good one. I just think with our OCD it makes us feel like we have to do something or else things will be very very bad for us. It will go catastrophizing our thoughts and whatnot. When you ten it "whatever" though, that's when I get like it gets confused and it gets even louder at you for going against it. My biggest problem is having other people know my entire story and then not liking me for it or thinking I'm weird or worse thinking I should be in jail for it. It ebbs and flows

@BigGyro09 Oops I had hit enter by accident. What I was saying was, I felt my mind light up seeing it but I also had feelings of discomfort, disturbance, and thoughts saying "I don't like this and I shouldn't be looking at it". This stuff is just hard, you know? Yeah, I'm glad I'm better too. I know the holidays can be tough for people but I think it will be alright for me with my family. Happy thanksgiving by the way!! :)

@worryywart I think perspective can also help. In my case, when I watched ai generated content and the other videos I have a lot of guilt and shame about, it came form a place of escalation which is something that happens through addiction or just consuming too much of this stuff. Deep down I'm not attracted to those things on those levels but I'll look them up or see them because it gives me a never before seen novelty away from desensitization. I imagine the same happens to people that have addictions elsewhere in their lives. It really sucks and I'm still learning how to manage this.

@worryywart I too was not informed at all about the things I worry about. I remember seeing very bad things when I was young, even illegal things that were on and off YouTube. I think it's important that you noticed something about it that made you change your mind about it overall. I think it just means you weren't aware until that point of what was going on or how. I have context for when it comes to my worries as well but I feel like it isn't enough. I know deep down I don't enjoy the things I've seen and it was only due to escalation and desensitization but I just can't help but have that shame and insecurity follow. Especially when it comes to relationships. I'm honestly still trying to figure this all out with my therapist. Yeah this theme sucks a lot. I remember feeling the same way you did the first time with my very first themes. Then I felt this way again thinking about the legality of the ai videos I watched, but I overall just feel so disgusted and ashamed with this compulsive use. Then when I hear other people that are in relationships, that's instantly an insecurity for me and I'm still trying to understand why. I see it as an automatic success thing when I know not everyone's lives look like that and are still successful people. Right now I don't feel that great physically but I am enjoying my time. Just trying to be in the present.

@worryywart Yeah, I get that completely. Some of my worries are just weeks ago. One was just yesterday. I'm really just trying to work through the shame in therapy because I really need it. Not everyone would feel this way and it's something that never goes away for me, even if it's not specifically this. It could be a trigger, the mention of specific words related to relationships, etc. I don't even know what I want to do about my compulsive habits. I don't know if I can completely turn them away because they'll just come back. I think I really just need to focus on getting rid of the shame. I don't know the specifics of what is bothering you but I doubt it would make my change the way I see you already. I feel every single bit of what you said about relationships. I just can't live with this shame anymore and I need to find a way to get rid of it. It's the one thing my OCD latches onto and I hate it so much. I guess the only thing that I can do is just not be on my phone and figure it out in therapy. Not being on my phone helped me forget about it for a little bit. I know that relationships wouldn't have really been for me back then because I just didn't know anything about that stuff. I put this narrative in my head of what a healthy relationship looks like and in high school I convinced myself that being in a relationship was a way to really "fit in" and feel like I'm succeeding in life. I still haven't let go of that and I feel that often times my life isn't as productive as others. I just want to stop thinking like this because it doesn't help at all. It's all OCD at the end of the day. I don't know. Just really sick of this

@worryywart I think OCD definitely plays a part in exaggerating that shame and making it feel worse than it actually is for sure. There are times I feel like I can defend my areas of shame, call it out for what it is, and say "This is a little much, but I'm working on unlearning this shame" but there are other days where it's just too intense. Still thinking about medication as well. Don't know what I'll do with that... That's what I'm struggling to figure out. How to slowly go off of them, like lower doses as time goes on. Just don't know. I don't really know how to do that with adult content, especially since I don't feel like I have that much control over it to begin with. I feel you on that drawing stuff. I love to draw, and it's something I really do need to be making more time to do. That and going back to working out. Someone else told me the same thing: That maybe I don't give myself as much credit as I deserve. It's just so hard not to do that when all I see in my mind is what I'm not doing right. The mental filtering is so messed up. I can write down the things I can do right, am confident in, and love about myself but it's just hard to do that off memory. Takes a lot of practice I guess. I also don't feel like it's fair. Which, I mean, of course it's not. OCD sucks and nobody should go through this, but just seeing other people "have it all together" and go after the things they want with no trouble just gets me feeling like I'm behind. I can tell myself that I'm not supposed to compare myself to others or compare journeys all I want, but it still bothers me. As for the loneliness thing, I've heard that being comfortable with alone time is something that's possible, but that just sounds like torture for OCD minds. There's a solution out there somewhere.

@worryywart When I've quit, it works, but sooner or later I just find myself having anxiety spikes that are so overwhelming to deal with I go right back to watching it. It's just a self soothing thing more than anything. I can't help but notice how much happier I was before I was so glued to my phone and watching so much sexual content. I often go back to my childhood and see the things that made me happy, things that I remember, and all of that didn't include my phone and porn. I tell myself that if I just don't include that stuff in my life, maybe I'll be happier. But times are different from me being an adult and being a kid. These are things I can just shut off and pretend don't exist. I do want a break from it all though. Guess I'll just leave that to therapy. Yeah, drawing is something I do enjoy doing. That and wanting to learn Spanish and Japanese. I have to really get back into going to the gym because that was something that did keep me busy. It's also just good for you too. I guess what I can try to do when it comes to adult content is separate myself from the things I watch. There are very few things that I watch that I think are apart of me but a LOT of it I can confidently say is not. I know a lot of the things I see or can think of I would not actually want in my actual life. I guess that brings me some comfort. Do you think you struggle with self esteem? I know I do. But I'm sure you can make an entire list of times that you like about yourself. When you take time to do it, it's possible. :) For college, you can always join clubs of your interest if you have the time. It will be a good start for meeting new people. That's mainly what it comes down to, though I know how much anxiety that can bring when you're introverted. I'm also very much a homebody. I love to be home more than I do outdoors. If anything my phone ironically makes me feel more alone than I usually do. When I say ironically, I do mean it, because social media can definitely do that. If I were to see my friends that I haven't seen in person for a long time and they told me the things they're sharing on social media, I know I'd feel more connected than I would seeing it behind a screen. Actually getting to see my friends face to face and talking about so much does wonders compared to what it could do on the phone, even if that seems like it's the only option.

@worryywart Yeah, it should. It would also help me just look at this in a perspective that's more healthy and not full of shame all of the time. I've had Duolingo on my phone and haven't used it in forever. I had a lot of fun learning those languages and I love the culture that is in Spanish and parts of Japanese culture. I don't know if I've struggled with self esteem my whole life but I definitely can recall moments in my childhood where I felt like the odd one out in social situations or just being shut down by peers. I too have those days where I think and feel like I'm not bothered by my looks and other days where I am. I think that myself comes from unhelpful thoughts more than it does my initial opinion of my looks. And yeah, the whole single status and "expectations" doesn't make it better. I think when we feel better about ourselves and are comfortable with who we are all of that lessens. I too have one close friend that I've known since junior high. I've been better than I was before when talking to people and opening up with people. I do have really good conversations with my friends even if I don't see them as much, mainly one I have a crush on.

@worryywart Congrats on your Duolingo streak by the way!

@worryywart I've always wanted to visit too! It would just be cool to learn the many things there are there. It definitely is an option for learning a new language. I'm sure you will! We overthink these things and it usually isn't as bad as we think. It's almost always not like that. I believe if you trust your friends and you've known them for a long time, you definitely can open up to them about it. Even if they don't understand every single bit of it. It would more than help to have that extra support and just someone knowing and being there for you compared to the opposite. :)

@worryywart Yeah it would be nice! Just never had the opportunity. Yeah I think everybody feels that way to an extent but for us it's to a different level because of OCD and anxiety and whatnot. But we can still hang in there just as much as others can. Social battery is also important too. And what you said about not being that important is that they call spotlight syndrome. I'm sure it will go great when you tell them! I've been feeling pretty great tonight if I'm being honest. My thoughts aren't so heavy and they aren't weighing me down. Thanks for asking. :)

@worryywart Yep, there's something for everything out there! Yeah, maybe we have to give ourselves more breaks and just be easy on ourselves from time to time. A growth mindset seriously helps with this because it doesn't limit you to what you think you can do. So far this week has been pretty good. I feel good right now tonight, and it's when my OCD thoughts are very quiet. I don't know what's making them so quiet, but they are and I'm not complaining, that's for sure. Thank you! I hope you're okay too. :)

@worryywart It depends on the engagement for me when it comes to being around friends and family. It can still be there if I'm not that into what's going on, but that's not to say I'm not into what goes on with my loved ones. I'm having a little bit of triggers and intrusive thoughts but I feel like it's my OCD wanting me to slip back into feeling bad for myself. I'm not going to let it today because today is very special for me. I'm very glad you're feeling better than last week and I'm glad you caught yourself with compulsions!!

@worryywart Yeah, it just helps to be around them because it's a good reminder of what I'm grateful for. I'm getting caught in some ruminating cycles which is definitely because of triggers but I'm trying to fight through it. Yes, I'm really looking forward to this day! Thank you! :) You have a good day too!

@worryywart Yeah it definitely is tough to kick. I went into another searching compulsion but I did stop. It's just hard not to think about it because the topic of my anxiety is what I keep seeing labeled as non consensual sexual content that I've viewed and fantasized about through video games and on sites. I just can't help but feel guilty about it but I'm also trying to tell myself to save it for later to think about.

@worryywart Yeah, I just try to tell myself that this isn't something that I would initially want to view and any attraction I have to it is false and it's all in the addiction. I just want to be away from that stuff for good but I need to talk to my therapist about it more. Yeah, I've been on and off with searching so that's probably a sign for me to put my phone down for the remainder of the day because it won't make the anxiety go away. Today is my birthday!

@worryywart At this point I feel like I can tell my therapist anything after what I've told them last week. What I plan on doing is writing out everything that I want to talk about and just read it to them. I'll be honest, it's been more and more difficult to fight the compulsions but I'm still trying. The memories are still bothering me a lot and I'm really trying to work through that shame still. I just need to try and be off my phone more when the want to do the compulsions are there. Thank you! There's a couple of famous people with my birthday including him and Anna Farris! My day has been good, despite the thoughts getting in the way at times. But I think I'm okay and it's been alright. :)

@welpp it’s hard but i’m trying to have more compassion for myself and recognize that i’ve changed as a person even if i do something wrong. all we can really do is try to forgive ourselves or at least not constantly worry about it. especially as a teen/young adult we make so many mistakes and have so much to learn from, so don’t beat yourself up too much!

@Maya :) you worded exactly what i was feeling so well! i’ve been trying not to ruminate over this specific obsession but it still comes up pretty frequently even though nothing new ever comes of thinking about it. the part about being judged online is an especially bad thing for me because that’s where i do a lot of compulsions, so i often end up reading comments and opinions from people online that just make the whole loop worse🙃 i’m also here if you want to talk about whatever you struggle with as well, i completely relate and understand!!

@worryywart ugh this is so relatable i feel you 😭 the judgement from people online is so horrible in this context, just makes things flare up like crazy. thank you for your support and it’s good to know other people can understand!!

@Maya :) i always try to remind myself that what’s online is just that, *online*. realistically i’ll probably never meet these people in person and in real life people have a lot more compassion as well and would be more understanding. it at least helps me somewhat!