Pushing a finger twice on my cheek getting anxious because what if a bus route doesn’t work. This is a normal part in my day. I click my fingers when I get doubtful thoughts. I think that’s why now I pushed against my face trying to do something about my worry. Or sudden movement I do with my leg when I think what if none of this is anxiety? Or you won’t believe it. That’s a thought thats stuck to my head. Another thing I realized I do usually use 4 things like 4 bounce sheets, 4 squarts of hand soap, body wash, things like that. Feeling the need of swallowing before I take a drink, vape, take a hoot of marijuana. The thought comes to my mind what If I need to blink and I do it. Even though I don’t and it happens on its own unnoticed but it causes me stress when on my mind. Making a clicking sound with my tongue I do that when I get a what if thought that worries me and that can do with anything that doubts me. Even the simple things. Thoughts bother me just about things that shouldn’t and I just want to let it go but I am stuck and I feel I need to usually listen to music, especially gospel to help me feel better. And I close my eyes and twirl in circles (left) to the music. And usually enjoy it like that, I’ve done that for years. It fees good. When I was little I used to always twirl in circles. Left only. Right would get dizzy. Everytime I see a pic of somebody like family I have like certain sexual thoughts I hate and I try avoid it and it only makes it worse and makes me feel worse and I look back at it and I feel I need to do something about it. I start thinking I’m a bar person. Right now I swallowed because my mind tried to trick me into thinking that wasn’t true but swallowing minimizes the stress of the thought. And I did a leg move me because I had a thought thinking what if swallowing doesn’t minimize the stress. This is ocd. Hard to handle. Im in constant doubt. I do a weird gesture or movement with my face when I have a what if thought that is doubtful and highly unlikely to be true. I don’t understand why but I do it. Before I used to click my toes a lot too where they’d be sore and same with my fingers. Another thing I always feel guilty with god and if I don’t pray I feel good things won’t happen. And I know this could be scrupulosity. Ive been suffering with my ocd related to god for a long time. And it’s been worse before especially with sexual thoughts and just feeling bad for things I don’t need to feel bad for. A lot of the time I feel like I’m going to hell. I feel like the things I’m doing in my life are all bad, because I had two ex boyfriends. One was trans and I might have another one soon too who is trans guy. I really like him and he is one of the kindest persons I’ve ever met. I always try remind my self that even though I’m in these relationships I feel like I’m not supposed to be and That I’m interrupting with gods plan for my life and that I’m doing it wrong. But I know Jesus as love and complete forgiveness, I’ve always believed and surrendered my life more then once to him. I believe and pray. But life hasn’t been great and I feel I can’t even get a job. It seems so hard and stressful. I’ve been really depressed. For longer then I can remember. I’ve been depressed before I moved to Edmonton. Worse since I got into hard drugs and dropped out of school. Cause I been on hard drugs. alcoholism for years. I dropped out of school I feel like nothing In my life and I’m in over $1400 of credit card debt and my credit rating is low now and the only thing that makes me happy is just getting high on weed and being with the people I can enjoy getting high with cause they have depression and anxiety problems too it helps all of us be more level. There’s people smoking meth in this house where I live and I hate it so much and worried if that stuff gets into my system somehow. I feel a feeling against my foot as if something gonna happen to it so I move it to avoid anything happening. That can be my whole foot or just a part of it like a toe. Before I’ve had thoughts like something evil wanting to grab it. When I’m twirling in circles listening to music sometimes I’ll think something bad will happen to me cause my eyes are closed and having my cat in my room helps. I constantly check if my bedroom door is locked to make sure no one comes in when I’m twirling and listening to music. It helps me feel better. Also another thing when I get a scary thought that doesn’t matter that’s just a what if thought I come up with another one that minimizes the anxiety that comes. Like I have a bad thought and question myself and then try hold onto another thought that’s good like reassuring and then the what if question just gets worse after. And then I’m feeling worse about myself. And I do that a lot. Idk if that’s part of ocd but it scares me a lot and I can’t handle it. I just found my self being able to type this all down because I’m person I don’t think I’d be able to explain all of this as clearly and throughly as I did typing it.