Ruminating

So I feel like a horrible wife and I’ll explain why. Last night, my husband and I went out to eat with some friends and he drank more than usual (nothing wrong with that) but he was being extra loud and obnoxious in my opinion than normal so I was getting kind of aggravated with him but I always try to just let him have his fun and not be a Debbie downer because he works so hard and he deserves to let loose. So I didn’t make it known I was aggravated but I was getting annoyed with him. When we got home, he tried to initiate sex with me and I said “I’m not really in the mood.” He looked shattered. And I immediately regretted saying that. He wasn’t mad, just hurt as I have never said anything like that or rejected him. So in turn, I am now shattered knowing that I hurt him and made him feel unwanted. I HATE myself for making him feel that way, especially because I have voiced that I would hate to feel rejected by him which is partially why I don’t ever initiate. And he called me out (rightfully so) about it being hypocritical that the reason I don’t initiate is because of my fear of rejection and now I just did that to him. He’s absolutely right. Where I am struggling today is just feeling like I am the absolute worst person ever and my rumination is stuck on he deserves better than me, because I fully believe he does. But this is causing self doubt and all the things that come along with rumination. This is not my typical OCD thought but now even talking to him I feel like I’ve crushed him and I’m disgusted with myself if I’m being honest. And he has told me that he’s fine and he’s just happy that I heard him out on his frustrations and apologized. He was over it about 20 minutes after it happened but here I am still stuck and I can’t stop crying. Idk what to do. Just hoping for any advice on how to get out of my own way here.

Relationship OCD

Anonymous

Date posted: Yesterday

Rejecting him is the RIGHT thing to do when you don't want sexual acts. And honestly that's the end of it. Do NOT feel bad! He can deal with rejection, but imagine giving yourself to someone in that way when you don't want to. He's content with the fact you heard him out / and that's all you can do right now. I hope this helps!

Anonymous

Date posted: Yesterday

@Anonymous Thank you for being kind. ❤️ It does make sense obviously to have boundaries and communicate those. I just hate that I hurt him and even if he says he’s over it I can’t help but still feel bad.

Anonymous

Date posted: Yesterday

I'm very new so I don't have any advice but I wanted to mention that you don't owe him sex any more than he owes you. You are allowed to say no for any reason at all. Literally.

dreamsaidshe

Date posted: Yesterday

I am also very new and I feel the exact same way that you do. If I say no to something, I always feel bad directly after saying no and sometimes I catch myself compromising after I say no, and then regret it later. Like a few people have said earlier, you don’t owe anyone sex if you don’t feel like it. My issue is that I would have felt the exact same way that you do, irritated, and then not wanting to do it later because I can get moody and hold onto feelings for a while. For comfort: Me saying that this is an issue (for me) is not a you problem that’s a me problem because I bring that outside of the bedroom as well. It seems like you are learning to manage your OCD, he also needs to learn to manage his rejection and emotions. If you don’t consent to sex, that’s not his problem, if you don’t feel comfortable, that’s that. I know that it’s uncomfortable to sit in that feeling of rejecting him believe me I’m still working on it. Also I’m very sorry for that rude comment that you got earlier, all you wanted was advice❤️

Anonymous

Date posted: Yesterday

@dreamsaidshe Thank you, it’s hard but we’re all learning together along the way. ❤️ and no worries, I blocked whoever that was. Don’t want that energy.

marcellololo

Date posted: Yesterday

Um, instead of typing this on here , you should have communicated everything you just said to HIM, not us. Communication is important in a relationship.

Anonymous

Date posted: Yesterday

@marcellololo I wasn’t looking for criticism and if you read the post you would see that we already talked about it. I’m looking for advice on how to deal with my rumination. All of what I typed was communicated to him.

marcellololo

Date posted: Yesterday

@Anonymous Lol

Anonymous

Date posted: Yesterday

@marcellololo I don’t understand your reactions. This is supposed to be an app to have community and help. I asked for help, there’s a way to give feedback in a kind way and I encourage you to try to change your approach. You’re coming off very judgemental in a place that’s supposed to be a safe space to come for help.

marcellololo

Date posted: Yesterday

@Anonymous I'll do my thing and you do yours. Bye

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