Hope for all

Hey guys I am 21 male straight all my life want girls in all ways sexually,romantically, emotionally but after my 12th class I got these hocd and then I got therapy erp medicines and treated and get my real feelings for girl back then I go to college then sudden thought strike and I got relapsed and again stuck in the loop and till October 2024 I am surviving on my own without cause a student with no money and there's no plan to do so in 3 or 5 years till not get financially stable on my own or get in better place from now so it literal feels like I am in denial but before ocd I was always excited to get married with girl sexually active for girls only but some past experiences as childhood I do even I don't no it is gay or what just do it but as growing my persistent feeling for girls only it is like my love my identity like our heart is part of body like wise my sexual identity which is want to be straight only and yes on my first therapy past is not decide who you are and 90,% both genders have same sex experience in their childhood but still I feel I did it means it has something gayish in me but ocd put it in front of me to think on it and yes now without therapy It gets more than hocd like pedophile, bisexual, pedophile or even worse than worse can't say it all and cherry on top is groinal responses in all this thoughts and literally everything feels sexually attractive like what is happening with me and literal mentally compulsion with physical compulsion too cause if I do anything with these compulsion like masturbation due like I enjoying it but that nahh I don't want to masturbate for same sex or child just it makes me feel🤮 but then again why then I feel like I enjoying it and yes one more thing is obsession with height I want to be tall I want to be tall girls like tall guys 6feet or above I am less masculine these feeling even I feel to die literal that I don't I have perfect height , body sounds like body dysmorphia but not diagnosed yet but it seems to be this if I get diagnosed then I go future travel like my future gf will leave me for tall guy as I am less masculine and in this mental state I don't want to be in a relationship but genuinely I want to marry a beautiful girl have kids as I dream of it before ocd feels like I never have that life and some stage I come out as gay, bi or anything which I fear most so better to wait for day for come out but nahh I really from corner of my heart want a colorful happy beautiful life with girl only but if in future whenever I get girlfriend I tell about her my this ocd she shame me dought me and yeah masturbation I do from young age like 12 yrs which mostly contributes to my ocd now but I am trying to do no fap till I get girlfriend . As straight male and female who watches porn and have hocd please leave it now as it worsens it I swear at last after my first therapy I get my all true attraction for girls back and false attraction for guys away and really laugh like it is not that hard and now I am trying to that techniques which I learned from my therapist like 4R's, box breathing, let accept uncertainty but I will again conquer it and live my dream life which is a gf or wife kids which I dreamt of and atlast you can to .