ROCD is ruining my life

for context i’m kind of spiraling and having a terrible flare up right now. i’ve only done one session with NOCD so far and haven’t been able to dig into the nitty gritty yet. but i feel absolutely dreadful and hopeless. i love my partner so much as a person, he’s handsome, he is SO funny, truly feels like my safe space and we have been together for years and years. but i’m having a flare up now that is so bad, i haven’t felt this way since like 2021 when we broke up for the first (and only) time because of it. the only reason we got back together was because i realized from a psychiatrist that i was struggling with ROCD and it wasn’t his or my fault. im constantly obsessing over how i feel about him. i recently was spending time in a group that included my ex, and i knew it was going to happen but everything spiraled out of control. i still find him really attractive, my boyfriend knows im attracted to him but doesn’t care because he said it makes sense bc he wouldn’t expect me to not be attracted to someone i dated before. he feels so secure in our relationship and knows i would never do anything that could be considered cheating, though we do have a mutual agreement that flirting with other people is fine because we both know we’re coming home to each other and don’t want to be with anyone else. so, drinks were involved which apparently turns my ex into a flirting machine and i felt so disgusting for enjoying the attention he was giving me, even though he was treating other girls like that too and knows im in a relationship so definitely was not trying to actually get anywhere with me. it’s just fun to flirt. but i feel horrible. i can’t stop trying to measure how attracted i feel to him compared to my boyfriend, which one i want more, etc. it’s so confusing because my boyfriend and i have been together so long that we’re so familiar with each other and don’t really try hard to impress each other or anything and have discussed and understand that with long term commitment comes some degree of “settling in” and the loss of that super passionate “chasing” each other feeling. i cannot get away or distract myself from these feelings of wondering if i’d rather be with my ex. i can name things i like and don’t like about both. but it’s really difficult and revolting to say that i might actually find my ex more attractive than my boyfriend, at least at the moment. definitely not as much as a person, but physically. i do also always wonder when i see someone attractive with someone less conventionally attractive why they don’t just find someone better looking and obviously the reason is love but i guess what im really wondering in those cases is how they sleep at night knowing they find other people more attractive than their SO. or do they?? do people really love each other enough that nobody else is more physically attractive to them? am i too much of a realist to not believe that?? the thoughts literally never stop i don’t know what to do. i am genuinely tortured by this and it feels so real and inescapable and like an emergency that i have an unshakable feeling that something drastic has to happen. i used to be able to get that to go away if i told myself “you broke up before when this happened and you were completely miserable without him” but that doesn’t work anymore. i feel so hopeless. PLEASE don’t tell me you think we should break up even if you don’t think it’s really ocd. i have never talked to any of my friends about this or my struggles with rocd because i am so terrified of them saying “well… if you’re this worried about it and really can’t stop thinking about it, it must be true and you must need to break up because he’s not right for you.” i don’t know. i feel like this isn’t something people know about and relationships are such a sticky subject especially online now where i feel like if you’re not completely worshipping your partner and denouncing every other human on earth then you’re a bad partner and don’t deserve them. i know if ANY girl posted on tiktok saying she knows her boyfriend is still attracted to his ex the comments would be FILLED with people telling her to dump him bc he doesn’t deserve her etc etc. but i don’t believe love is that simple. i can’t even take a deep breath anymore. i have never in my life actually had suicidal thoughts but it’s so bad right now that i keep feeling like i want everything to stop. i just can’t take it anymore and i have no confidence in what i truly feel and what is an attack on myself by myself. if it wasn’t ocd and i genuinely just didn’t want to be with him anymore would it feel this unbearably tormenting? or would it just simply feel like an unfortunate situation?