I'm scared of myself

My sexual OCD has reached a point that feels beyond control. It's strange I can go hours without thinking about it but as soon as a fragment of it comes into my mind it's almost like my brain won't let me test until I've looked or acknowledged the thing in some way. I'm truly so scared. It feels like I'm one bad thought away from losing my girlfriend who I love so much. I wish there was a button to make me forget any past sexual experiences I've had that weren't with her. It's aughul. I don't know how to make it stop. I feel like I have to constantly engage my brain in physical activities like drumming or talking to people or even doing something like this. It's strange but when I talk about it the images themselves stop. As soon as I try to relax or watch a show I'm genuinely invested in watching. It's like my mind wants to go someplace else. But I don't. It's weird I know I don't want to think about these things but some rogue part of my mind does. And I hate it. I have a therapist and he tells me about the conscious and unconscious mins. But why can't I make them go away once they enter my conscious mind. I hate it I want some peace. I feel like I'm Indulging or fantasising about these things which is silly because I'm not. I don't think about these things in a dwelling sense. But for seconds at a I have this frequent battles in my head. Like it's trying to force it's way in but I don't want it to be there. But my mind feels like it's going towards it. I want this to stop. Does anyone understand this feeling

"Pure" OCD

Shredder

Date posted: Yesterday

First of all, I hear you. This sounds really difficult and I empathize with your situation. It sounds like you are really battling those thoughts right now. However, the most important thing you can do, is to continue to expose yourself to those thoughts gently. Whenever the thought comes up of “I feel so gross for wanting that, etc” combat it with “maybe or maybe not I’m gross for feeling that way” “maybe I’m just a human too” then give yourself some compassion. Go get some ice cream. Go buy your favorite drink. Take a hot bath. I promise you, you are making far more progress than you know. Usually, these thoughts fight hard when you are using all of your tools to fight it which it seems therapy is doing for. Hope this helps. And I hope it gets better. You rock! 💎👍

boardsilly05

Date posted: Yesterday

@thank you so much for the kind words. It's not so much the thoughts of being gross it's the images themselves. I try to be kind to myself but I worry that by not judging myself I'm letting myself think about these things more often. Which again is silly because I don't want to. But it doesn't stop the frequency in which they appear. It doesn't stop me from feeling like I can't make them go away. Or stop my mind going towards them. It feels like it's something I'm actively doing yet feels out of my control. If I could press a button and make it all go away I absolutely would. And again I'm not dwelling on these thoughts but several times throughout the day over a matter of seconds it feels like they have so much power and I can't stop a part of my mind from looking at them. And then I feel like I'm Indulging. It's not even that I'm judging myself it's just constantly fighting off these mental images and trying to focus on other things. Because that's what I want to do. But it still doesn't stop it. I want to be me and be a good person but I feel like I'm lying to myself when I tell myself it's out of my control

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond