Real life event ocd, i really need help

I’ve been dealing with HOCD for over a year now (at least I hope it’s HOCD). I have almost all the typical signs: intrusive thoughts, compulsions, constantly checking my attraction, seeking reassurance on ChatGPT, and questioning whether I’m lying to myself and so much more. The biggest problem is that there are things from my past that I’m terrified are “proofs.” I don’t know if they’re real evidence or if my mind is just being dramatic, but they cause me extreme stress. When I manage to get over one memory, another one appears. And when I get over all of them, they just come back in a cycle, or I find a new one. Or i see a triger on TikTok and i start crying. When “proof” like what i did or what i felt or said pops in my mind i get soooo anxious I can calm down only with compulsions. At this point, I don’t even know how I feel anymore, or how I ever felt. I keep thinking: what if I was always gay and just didn’t understand what attraction felt like? What if I’m gay and also have HOCD at the same time? I’m exhausted. I’m tired of crying, reassuring myself, being constantly stressed, and having these thoughts in my head every single day. I feel like I’m losing hope. Things were much better from May to October, but now it’s back again and it feels even more real than before I don’t have this “i know im not gay” feeling anymore like i did in the first week of this obsession. I really need help, but I don’t have the money for therapy.

Cupake21211

Date posted: 3d

It was horror because they are not actual feelings and it’s the confusion and doubt like you know your one sexuality inside in your heart but your brain tries to co fuse you

Cupake21211

Date posted: 3d

Omg I can relate to this so much

Cupake21211

Date posted: 3d

I have always been straight and now I know that this is my overthinking like what if I’m ocd or not

Cupake21211

Date posted: 3d

But I realized it started from middle school when I saw and had gay and lesbian friends and I was scared what if I am that and I would also cheak in the past like I know I was straight but what if that’s not what actually I felt during that time

Cupake21211

Date posted: 3d

I completely went through the same scenario and it’s horrible because everything to outside everyone assumes that your perfect but then your suffering and I didn’t even know this was a type of ocd until now and its been there since a few years I am here to support you

spelamarela

Date posted: 3d

@Cupake21211 Thank you so much. Do you have any tips on how to get rid of this? When I’m in a panic, the only thing that calms me down is reassuring myself through ChatGPT. But it always comes back, and I’m so scared that it might be true, because these “proofs” feel like they mean something. I want to get rid of this obsession forever, but I don’t know how to do it without therapy. I’m really struggling.

Cupake21211

Date posted: 2d

@spelamarela I get now even this second someone was talking about being lesbian and I was like they were not even talking about me but I got stressed but I think recently what I have been doing is you know your heart desires one thing and the reason your ocd feels real is the fear it only gives thoughts that are relevant after that I started realizing this is all but real because you feel fear but think imagine your self you your brain will always try if you do this or are that sexuality your happier however I then realized it actually is not what I actually desired think is this what you actually desire or is the fear driving it your fear of am I that is making it worse I know it’s easier said than done but think it’s all but real it’s just ocd wants me to have fear

spelamarela

Date posted: 12h

@Cupake21211 Thank you! This actually helped me a little

🫩

Date posted: 2d

I relate. All the thoughts swirling around when I’m in a panic distract me from my true feelings. I’m on medication for ocd (I’ve been diagnosed) and I’ve been feeling calmer and caring less about the thoughts and that scares me that I’m accepting it. I’ve been checking myself with so much gay content that now it’s all over my fyp and I can’t escape it. Sometimes in moments of calm I realize that I’m actually straight, but then a few minutes later I get a trigger and I go back into the cycle. It feels too real.

Cupake21211

Date posted: Yesterday

@🫩 I know I get what you mean like your in such confusion

spelamarela

Date posted: 12h

@🫩 Literally the same. When I’m calm, I know I’m straight and I feel good. But even when I know that, other thoughts pop up, like “What if other people think you’re homosexual because of this or that?” Then I start overanalyzing everything, what if I did something weird and now everyone thinks I’m homosexual, or what if they think that because I’ve never brought a man home or had an official boyfriend, and then I start ruminating again. After that, I tell myself “Maybe this isn’t even HOCD, maybe you just care about what others will think and you don’t want to admit it,” and then the rumination starts all over again. It’s so annoying.

mgr11

Date posted: Yesterday

You are not alone! I feel this way too. The “proofs” really discourage me! I am still working through it. My advice is to delete ChatGPT. I know it is used for everything now, but I became addicted to “talking” to ChatGPT (asking for reassurance, overanalyzing and explaining things, ruminating, checking, etc.) Deleting the app has helped my research compulsion tremendously! Also, look into purchasing “Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts.” I just finished it and it has SO much good information.

spelamarela

Date posted: 12h

@mgr11 Thank you so much!!! Is “Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts” a book, a workbook, or something online? And how did it help you? Does it help in the long term? So I can get rid of this forever

mgr11

Date posted: 9h

@spelamarela It is an actual book, but I bought highlighters to highlight all the good info! If you want a workbook, I am just starting “the Self Compassion Workbook for OCD.” The book has helped me feel less alone and realize how common these thoughts are. I finished a few weeks ago (and I am also in therapy), but the book gives you techniques to help with the thoughts. I can’t say for the long term yet. I am hopeful though! I wish the thoughts would go away forever, but I’m teaching myself that they may never go away. Instead I can learn to not pay attention to them and let them pass by like leaves floating down the river or an object on a conveyor belt.

spelamarela

Date posted: 2h

@mgr11 Thanks! I’ll definitely give this a try.

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