Confessing as a compulsion

I've stated before I had a stint of teenage hood/up to age 20 where I was NOT my best self. I lied about serious things, did immoral things. Most of these I have came to terms with and talked about with my husband who is SO supportive. There's this one thing that happened (that was actually the triggering thing that made me better myself, leave a toxic relationship and heal from some trauma) that for some reason 6 years laterI am feeling VERY guilty about. It was a serious lie that I told my ex boyfriend and I did eventually tell him that what I said actually did not happen. But I feel like it's so immoral that I need to confess to my husband so that I can get it off my chest even though it does not concern him in the slightes Its almost like it would be easier to deal with if the world knew about what I did because it wouldn't be a surprise that could come out and ruin my life and family. I know that confessing can be a compulsion and I have noticed that for myself but how can I be for sure that this doesn't actually need to be said for me to feel better? Would the REOCD just move on to a new topic to torture me with? Really struggling.

ACupofTea

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: Yesterday

Your instincts are spot on. It would never be enough and the cycle would get stronger. I know it feels impossible but try sitting with the possibility of your fear. Eventually it will loosen its grip on you. That’s what ERP has taught me :)

Mama1145

Date posted: Yesterday

Thank you! It's so hard but it's what I need to do.

Mama1145

Date posted: Yesterday

I am a wife and mom and I don't deserve this wonderful life I have when I used to be so objectively bad. I don't ever want to lose my family because of it.

ACupofTea

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: Yesterday

@Mama1145 It sounds like you struggle with RE OCD like I do. What helps me is to remember that people are not all good or bad. We can’t change the past but we can try our best every day to be the person we want to. I’m sure your loved ones greatly appreciate your contributions to their lives :)

notthereyet

Date posted: Yesterday

Well there is nothing that you can do about now. Plus you are married.

Anonymous

Date posted: Yesterday

This might not be the advice that you want to hear, but sometimes the pain of these past lessons is not for anyone else to know. This isn't a trigger your partner is inadvertently causing on you: you did the thing, you admit you did the thing, but what good comes from telling someone else a compromising truth about yourself that could potentially lead to judgement about you or make them think of you differently for it? If you really want to atone, you should do more to apologize and redeem yourself to the person that you hurt, not dump your guilt on your current partner. IMO It's simply your burden to bear, especially if it's been some significant time. Seeking reassurance is not a new concept for people with OCD and all of us do it every day even non-verbally with ourselves, but there are important boundaries in relationships and depending on how bad whatever it was was, you can risk toxifying your current relationship with stuff from the past and if it's bad enough the new relationship will very slowly/seldom ever/never recover. I can't think of how many potential friendships I burnt up just being overly honest and upfront with people in the very beginning, even about stuff that I wasn't ashamed about. You can't close Pandora's box again, so I would advise that you keep it to yourself and your therapist until you process these feelings and definitely don't do the negative behavior anymore.

Mama1145

Date posted: 10h

Well of course thats what I need to hear. I've often had the thought that taking about these things that don't necessarily affect my current relationship isn't necessary and probably harmful but I felt the need to because I would be worried that if(somehow, which I know is improbable) he was to find out these little details about me he would decide he hates me. I've done a lot of work on who I am and don't do these problematic things anymore. I'm just so embarrassed about it is why I feel the need to speak up but at the end of the day I know that it's not needed. Thank you for the comment it did help me feel better

Anonymous

Date posted: 5h

@Mama1145 I think if it still bothers you, you could probably find out a more limited way to bring up the topic and talk to your partner more about future contingencies so that it doesn't happen again instead of focusing on what did happen in the past in extreme detail. I try to do that sometimes with new partners by talking about why past relationships didn't work out, and I'd say it has about a 50-50 chance of working. Unironically, the 50% that do work are neurodivergent people like us because they understand that I'm not *comparing* the new person to the old relationship, I just want reassurances that we're not going to be redoing negative cycles that didn't serve one or both of us in the past. I think if you frame it specifically as lessons that you learned instead of past actions that were unsavory it tends to go much better.

Mama1145

Date posted: 5h

@Anonymous Thank you, I've been thinking of ways I can talk about my anxieties without explicitly saying the thing so that it doesn't get into confession territory especially since it's unrelated to the relationship. I appreciate your help it's so nice to have others who struggle with similar things to talk through with. All the best to you.

Anonymous

Date posted: 3h

@Mama1145 You're welcome! I have spent a lot of time thinking about the same things so I thought I would chime in.

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