SOOCD/HOCD Anyone Else Expierence

The entirety of my life I’ve been straight. I remember always being attracted to the female characters in shows/movies and even in younger teenage years loving girls. I would always check them out, and it was instinct. I was addicted to pornography for 6 years of my life. I’m 18 years old now and have been in 2 relationships with women. My first relationship lasted almost two years and I never once had a thought of liking men. Sex life was fine and I never once was interested in men. The relationship I’m in now is the happiest I’ve ever been. I found her incredibly attractive and loved her with everything in me. We’ve been together for 6 months now and she’s genuinely the best thing that’s ever happened to me. The past two weeks have been hell. I cold turkey quit my Lexparo around a month ago and starting 2 weeks ago I was laying in a “zesty” position and thought if I was gay. That’s when my life flipped upside down. I started paying attention to the way I looked, walked, talked. I keep questioning myself “if I’m gay,” and I would continue to ask for reassurance with my partner and family members. I don’t feel like myself and it feels like I will never be the same again. I miss being deeply in love with her. I feel like my mind keeps telling me I find men attractive at school when I don’t want too. I check to see if I find other girls attractive but I don’t feel anything. I feel emotionless (maybe because of stoping Lexapro). My mind played intrusive thoughts continuously of men bending over and me having anal sex. I didn’t want to be thinking of that stuff ever (but my mind says it’s not to bad, and “oh you’ll like it.”) I started taking Buspar which might has started kicking in. And Ashwaghanda. I don’t have much intrusive thoughts anymore but I still have symptoms I don’t like. I tried doing ERP therapy on my own by looking at gay couples but my mind said I wanted that and I liked it. But deep down I know I really don’t and I just want to be with the love of my life. I try and stop this anxiety by looking at straight couples which at first eased it a lot, but now it doesn’t do much. I tried masterbaution to straight porn, but then I checked to see if I liked gay porn and my mind said “it’s not so bad.” “You like it.” Even though deep down I didn’t want it and it’s not something I want to watch again. It’s weird because I used to be so disgusted by anal now my mind says it’s not so bad, but I want it to be bad. My mind now tells me that you want to be in a gay relationship and it’s so comforting and nice. But deep down I don’t. It makes me worry because I don’t want to find it nice. I want to be straight. I want my life back. I am tired of worrying about this 12 hours of the day where the only break is sleep. I miss being in love. I don’t feel motivated to conquer the world anymore. Is this normal? Sometimes I know for certain I’m straight but other times it feels so real that I’m gay (but I really don’t want to be). Sometimes it’s hard to see that though.