I really need help. I’m a transgender male who is obsessed with the idea of actually just being a cisgender female who is delusional. I know I’m not a girl, I have always felt male. But when I reassure myself by telling myself things, this is what happens: Reassurance: I love my new male body. I hated my body as female YOU HATE YOUR NEW MALE BODY/LOVE YOUR OLD FEMALE ONE What? No I don’t. CLEARLY YOU DO SINCE YOU JUST HAD THE THOUGHT. but that wasn’t even my thought! My first initial thought was the exact opposite! I just want to be male again in peace. STOP TAKING TESTOSTERONE BIRTHNAME. YOU SHOULD DETRANSITION BIRTHNAME (detransition is my biggest fear. It wasn’t until I read about it and heard others talking about it and I haven’t been able to relax since) But I actively love taking testosterone. YOU HATE TAKING TESTOSTERONE No! Taking testosterone makes me feel gorgeous and happy I regret ever having been born female. I wish I had just been born male. Though I can’t really regret what I can’t control. YOU REGRET TAKING TESTOSTERONE BIRTHNAME, YOU JUST CANNOT ADMIT IT. AND IF YOU HAVENT ALREADY REGRETTED YOUR TRANSITION, YOU WILL I have a gorgeous male body. I’m a handsome young man. YOU SHOULD KEEP TAKING TESTOSTERONE ROLAND. JUST BE YOUR BEAUTIFUL MALE SELF. ITS OBVIOUS ITS THE ONLY THING THAT MAKES YOU HAPPY. that is true, but what if it isn’t because I’ve already heard these other thoughts?What ifI’m making up my own happiness? What if I’m actually just a messed up woman and just lying to myself to cope? YOURE JUST A HIDEOUSLY UGLY WOMAN NOW My OCD is ruining my life. Being trans sucks. SO STOP BEING TRANSGENDER. STOP TAKING T, TESTOSTERONE IS PROBABLY WHAT IS RUINING YOUR LIFE. At least it’s saying “your” and not “my” TESTOSTERONE IS RUINING/HAS RUINED MY LIFE What?!? But I only feel good as male and wish I hadn’t ever been born female! My mental heath is only good when I feel like I’m a real man. THATS A LIE. WHY ARE YOU DELUDING YOURSELF LIKE THIS? But I have always felt male NO YOU HAVENT BIRTHNAME. YOURE MAKING/YOU HAVE MADE THIS WHOLE THING UP But I was dysphoric as a female and I hate thinking about “her.” NO YOU WERENT. THAT WAS ALL MADE UP. YOUR LIFE IS A LIE. REMEMBER “TEENAGERS ARE GIVING THEMSELVES GENDER DYSPHORIA” (an article talking about the detransitioners)YOUVE GIVEN/ARE GIVING YOURSELF GENDER DYSPHORIA!!! But I was miserable and dysphoric as FEmale. I didn’t make all that up and I genuinely don’t feel dysphoric as male YES YOU DO/DID. But I just want to be male in peace. THEN YOU SHOULD KEEP TAKING/QUIT TAKING TESTOSTERONE what???? STOP WANTING TO BE MALE No! STOP NOT WANTING TO BE FEMALE No! STOP NOT WANTING TO BE MALE I did that one though... all I want is to be male. It’s incredibly important to me STOP WANTING TO BE FEMALE again, I DID that. I do not want to be female!! The only thing that makes me feel good is taking testosterone and being a man. I love being a hot guy But What if I’m just saying that because...XYZ? I wish I’d never have these thoughts. I’m losing my valued male identity. YOU SHOULD STOP PRETENDING TO BE MALE I don’t want to stop “pretending to be male” if that’s what I’m doing YES YOU DO. YOU JUST CANT ADMIT IT BECAUSE YOURE A NARCISSISTIC WOMAN BIRTHNAME (my ex was an abusive narcissist and it really messed me up) If I can’t be male in peace I will kill myself JUST BE MALE THEN that’s what I’m trying to do!!! In peace!! I love my new male body. I feel euphoric as male NO YOU DONT YOURE LYING. JUST DETRANSITION But that thought makes me absolutely PANIC and SICK. And you just told me to be male? THEN JUST BE MALE. YOU ARE MALE. But why did I just hear that I shouldn’t be “doing this” then? BECAUSE YOURE NOT MALE. YOURE A DISGUSTING CISGENDER WOMAN WHO IS FAKING EVERYTHING BECAUSE SHE CANT HANDLE THE TRUTH/WANTS ATTENTION But I’ve felt this way FOREVER and feel great as male NOPE. THATS A LIE. But I want to be male!! THEN BE MALE. JUST STAY MALE ROLAND. YOU SHOULD BE TAKING TESTOSTERONE *hopefully* Really? NOPE. YOU SHOULD NOT BE TAKING TESTOSTERONE. STOP WANTING TO TAKE TESTOSTERONE. At least you admitted that I want to be taking it. But why can’t I just be the happy guy I was before this cycle got bad? BECAUSE YOURE NOT MALE ANYMORE. YOUVE LOST HIM No I haven’t, he always comes back, and I love being ma... (interrupts) FEMALE!!! I’m going INSANE!!! I read things, certain statements that I internalize. I know in moments of clarity that they are irrational but this is getting out of hand. I just want to feel like I’m male again al the time. I hate the idea of not being male, I do not want to be female and I’m terrified this means I’ll have to go back. PLEASE help me.

Thank you so much. I hope it does

Oh my goodness I’m so relieved to hear you say that lol

How did you get rid of it?

@Rolly G I was relieved to hear you mention it as well haha. I've always been the only one I've ever heard of. And it's something you don't talk about, you know? Because people think you're having legitimate doubts.

@Rolly G Anyway, how I got rid of it:

@Rolly G I started having this obsession at 13, when I first accepted I was trans. I was so torn apart mentally between needing to transition to live and constantly overanalyzing the what-ifs that I completely shut down. I was paralyzed. Soon it got so bad I went to a psychiatrist about it, and got diagnosed with severe OCD without telling her what my current "topic" was. My behavior already pointed to it enough. I was put on medication and got almost immediate relief, and eventually went pretty much obsession free. After a few years I stopped taking my meds because I didn't think I needed them anymore, I was basically "cured." Or so I thought. I hadn't really handled the thought process that caused my obsessions, so until I did it was always doomed to return. It came back when I was 17, and had already pretty much completely socially transitioned. Medical transition was out of my reach at the time thanks to my "family," but I didn't need it to pass. I had an intersex condition that gave me extremely high androgens, even though my actual T levels were low. So I looked like a kid with a really deep voice. I was way happier than I was at 13, but it all came crashing back down on me. Like you, I saw some media on detransitioners and got sucked into reading all about it. Eventually I came across some TERF rhetoric that really messed me up, but I'm not going to repeat it and trigger you. Needless to say, my OCD went into overdrive. It was worse than it had ever been before, I couldn't sleep alone, I couldn't eat, the thoughts were ruining my life again. My then-boyfriend (now fiance) convinced me to go back to therapy after the 5th night straight of having him on the phone with me. I did, and no lie, my therapist sucked. She didn't understand at all how to treat a patient with OCD, but she gave me enough packets on exposure therapy that I figured it out myself. (continued in next comment)

@Rolly G I identified my main compulsion was my constant reassurance seeking. I did it every time I talked to my boyfriend and he would tell me my thoughts were definitely untrue, I did it every time I looked up other trans people's stories to make sure I still related to them, and I did it every time I looked at detransitioners stories to make sure I DIDN'T relate to them. Even in my brain I was always reasoning out why my thoughts weren't true, obsessively "disproving" them and "proving" who I really was. But by doing that, I was playing into the cycle. So, I told my boyfriend to stop reassuring me, and I stopped researching things online. I exposed myself to media on detransitioners and tried my hardest to keep from my compulsions. I had to live in the fear it caused and do nothing about it until it subsided. It was torture. Every time I felt like I was spinning out of control, I felt like I didn't know who I was because I couldn't be 100% SURE I was who I was. And by sitting there in that fear, by letting myself feel like that without trying to gain certainty, I finally became "sure." I realized I could never be 100% on anything (it's hopeless to try), but I did know that for the most part, who I felt I was, was me. It was always me. I didn't need "proof", I didn't need to constantly "make sure", not anymore than I already had. By surrendering and giving up to the thoughts and feelings I felt would come true and consume me if I didn't fight them, they lost all their power. The winning move with OCD, is always never to play. But, it's terrifying not to. You feel like all the compulsions, all the distorted ways of thinking are your friend. You feel like you can't live without them. But it's all a lie. It sucks at first when you give it all up, give up ruminating, give up thinking back and forth with it, give up finding reassurance. You feel like you're dying. It's like you're in withdrawals. (cont)

@Rolly G Because you are. You're addicted to your compulsions. You use them to feel normal, to escape discomfort. But just like any addiction, it makes the issue worse, trust me. So my advice to you is to do what I did, go to therapy, possibly get on medication if you aren't already. Make sure it's someone who specializes in OCD, so they won't accuse you of having real doubts. Even then, be prepared to explain that you're not, depending on what state you live in. I was in Alabama while I was treating my OCD, and it took a little explaining to get them to understand the situation. But even they got it eventually, I was displaying textbook OCD symptoms. But anyway, above all, know that recovery is possible and you will be happy again. I'm 20 now and (mostly) free of this particular theme. Some days I still have to grapple with not engaging in the thoughts. It's not easy, but I'm really getting better. I'm tackling the core behind my OCD, and you can too.

@Rolly G Sorry for the wall of text. Your story just really hit close to home with me. If you ever need to talk to someone about this (I know not everyone gets it) feel free to @ me. I've been there. I get you.

@zomboney Exactly!! It’s scary because I desperately need too surgery and I don’t want that to impair my access to it. Fortunately I have a therapist who understands and has diagnosed me with OCD, which I’ve also had forever. This cycle didn’t get bad until I internalized horrible things that i heard and read.

@Rolly G Thank you so much. I’ve been trying not to reassure myself because I know it feeds the cycle, but it’s so hard not to because then I feel like I’m letting the obsessive thoughts “win” and so they must be true. Hey, I’m 20 too! Thank you so much, I probably will @ you.

@Rolly G God, I feel that. Messing up my chance at getting surgery is the whole main reason I never told anyone for a long while. It's super cool you have a therapist that understands it's OCD, though, they should be able to help you through a lot of this.

@Rolly G I totally get that with reassurance. It's hard. It's like, "if I don't address it, it's gotta be true, right?" I still struggle with that big time, especially with ruminating for reassurance. But I'm sure your therapist will be able to help you make some progress there. And oh wow, what a coincidence! Yeah, no problem. I'll be around if you need me.

@zomboney And I want to be able to affirm/complement myself like I used to be able to but now it’s like every time I do that triggers the obsession so I feel like gender affirmation has unfortunately become my compulsion. Like, I can’t even complement myself without hearing it “ you’re lying to yourself“ or some variation thereof

@zomboney What meds did you use?

@Rolly G Hi, sorry, holidays. I was on Prozac for a long time but it's ineffective for me now. It was never really a great drug. There was a brief stint in the hospital where they gave me Ativan, and that was the most effective thing I'd ever had for my OCD. They couldn't prescribe it outside of the hospital, though, and sent me home with Propranolol. Propranolol... takes a lot of it to truly work, and even then it's not very effective. It's not for the long term. They also sent me away with Trazodone because I stopped sleeping. That stuff is strong. Definitely let me get some rest. I think I was on Risperdal, sometime? But not for very long. In the hospital, I think. I don't remember it very well.

@Rolly G Right now I'm actually unmedicated. I just moved out to California 6 months ago and still have no psychiatrist. It's been a struggle to find anyone.

@zomboney These thoughts will NOT go away. I’m about to begin ERP therapy and I hope it goes well. I feel like a crazy person because of my obsession, I hate feeling like this. I can’t function in peace really EVER anymore, and these thoughts not only make me dysphoric and dissociate me, but they make me feel like I’m just a woman whose in denial...but I’m not! I know I’m male!! But my brain is soooo fucking mean to me... I feel lost and afraid of everything and it’s becoming so hard to differentiate between what I believe and what my OCD believes. PLEASE, PLEASE help. I don’t want to go back.

@Rolly G I hate that I’ve lost complete control of my brain. It feels broken and I’ve literally beat the shit out of myself for having these horrible thoughts. I just want to be MALE. IN. PEACE. I really don’t want to lose the man I’ve become and have been for years now. I’m 2 years on T and all of a sudden it’s just so scary.

@Rolly G I know exactly how you're feeling. I felt just like that. And truthfully, it doesn't go away, not without a lot of help. I've been struggling with it for almost 7 years. I'd tell you that you don't have to worry about losing yourself, but you know that already. You're struggling with the huge "what-if." Even though you know it's not real, your brain can't stop thinking about that horrible alternate timeline where "what if it is?" It's blowing it out of proportion, employing all these crazy tricks that are making you lose touch with what you know is real. It's awful. Before anything, you really need to talk to a professional about it. They'll be able to get you on track with exposure therapy much better than I can over this app. What I can tell you, though, is that through this, the goal isn't going to be getting rid of the thoughts, it's going to be getting rid of the fear. That sounds crazy, I know. But even now with me, 7 years later, my thoughts aren't less. I just don't have the same reaction. And it really isn't easy to get there, I don't ever want it to seem like it is. I still have moments where sometimes I lose touch with reality. The only thing that's changed is how I handle it. I just unabashedly accept that I'm unsure of anything at the moment and I always come back to what's real. You're not going to be able to do that at first. It's not easy. There's really no "just" about it. I'd honestly suggest starting with allowing yourself to have one "bad" or "fearful" thought without trying to change it, judge it, or ruminate over it. Pick a small one. And then once you've mastered that one, slowly work your way up. That's how you'll eliminate your fear, facing one awful thought or feeling at a time.

Thank you that’s very sweet