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The real events subtype is such a tricky one! I'm sorry you're going through this :( Sometimes when we get caught up in our own heads & ruminating on something over and over again it becomes really difficult to see it clearly. Something that I find helpful when I'm struggling with that is by using thought defusion skills (such as leaves on a stream or using "I'm having the thought that...." statements)

I can definitely relate. Can u chat?

Ok. I’m here.

Anyway to chat privately?

I have an event I did when I was in my mid 30s that I feel ashamed of, its hard for me too. I have had this obsession for probably the bigger part of 10 years off and on. Sometimes I feel like the medicine that I take just masks the problem and does nothing to help me solve it. For a while now I have been giving ERP thearpy a try, through NOCD. Its difficult but I have high hopes it will help me get through it. It is kind of expensive as well as my insurance will not cover it. The funny thing about my obsession is I have resolved it to the point I was okay for a long while many times and it just keeps coming back. Here are a few things I have noticed about mine. 1. Its cyclical it returns at least every early winter, but normally more. This isn't the same for everybody. 2. SSRI's and SNRI's only work for a while "3-5 years" and I personally get what they call "Prozac Poopout". My body gets used to it and it quits working for me. Cymbalta at 90 mg was the best for a long time. It quit working after quite a while So now im trying an older trycyclic. 3. CBT thereapy does not work for me really. It helps at the time, but does not do what ERP therapy does. The ultimate goal or ERP is to learn to live with some uncertainty. It is hard to do, but I think it is maybe starting to work. 4. With ERP im starting to be able to put off my compulsions until later. That gives me a significant amount of relief for a while during the day.