SO-OCD - Cover Ups?

I can't stop ruminating. I keep thinking of my past romantic partners. Was I lying to them? Have I been lying to myself my entire life? I can't seem to break the loop - I'm tormented with sexually intrusive thoughts, with the uncertainty that I might actually be a gay man (which by no means is a 'bad' thing), that I lied to all the women I've loved. I can't seem to have an hour of "free time". It's taking up every second of the day. From the moment I wake up to the roaring moments before bed. I'm sorry, y'all. I just needed to vent. I just want to know if I am in denial or not. I just want to know who I am. What I am. I know I'm a good person. I just want to be honest.

Sexual Orientation OCD

Anonymous

Date posted: 17h

I just wanted to say I’m so sorry you’re going through this. This happened to me and the most challenging thing is that I earnestly want to be my most honest self and am not judgmental of any sexual orientation. I have read that it’s actually more common for people with this level of empathy and earnestness to be the types of people who can struggle with this kind of OCD. Just know that it does get better. I felt extremely alarmed at what I was experiencing for a while and after a couple of months with an OCD therapist, I feel like myself again. There were days where that felt impossible. It wasn’t. I can still get triggered, but I return to a grounded place more quickly. Trust the work, really commit to it, and you’ll learn to combine this new type of therapy with self compassion and get better and better! Not to reassure you either way on the content of the obsession, but symptoms are sure to lessen once you get the right help and commit to therapy.

MEO18

Date posted: 17h

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I appreciate your words and the hope you conveyed. Have a great rest of your day and weekend. I need to get ready for the gym. Which has lately been a trigger but this is part of the work!

Anonymous

Date posted: 17h

@MEO18 Try your best to use response prevention lines that work (maybe, maybe not; could be, but I’m not answering that/having that conversation right now; one that works for me is “it seems like every time you chime in, it’s to say I’m doing something wrong. I trust myself more than you”) try a few out and see what stops the conversation best! Good luck and have a nice day!

MEO18

Date posted: 17h

@Anonymous Really needed this. Thank you! These past couple of weeks have literally been me googling “am I in denial? Why do I keep telling myself I’m gay when I’ve only ever dated or wanted women?” Or something along those lines. My phone is full of tabs. I want to stop doing this!

Anonymous

Date posted: 16h

@MEO18 Oh yeah avoiding that compulsion is gonna be step one. Let me know if this helps: The "what if" thoghts you are having could be true, ar they could be false. We can't know for sure. Therefore the only way forward is to accept both possibilities and move forward in that gray zone betreen them. Accept the uncertainty you feel and when you brain screams at you to seek more reassurance, ruminate, confess, etc. - don’t give in, but use it as encouragement to contine the path you’re on. If the OCD is kicking and screaming, you’re on the right path.

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