Please help

When I was 14, I’d been suffering from OCD for a year, and I checked an image to see if I liked it, and it felt like I did, so I lay there for a while feeling anxious, and then I did something truly awful which I think proves it’s never been ocd and I’ve been in denial all along. I touched myself, and I’ve been tortured by that ever since. I think it may have been some kind of compulsion that I didn’t understand at the time, rather than to the feelings themselves but some times I feel like that’s a lie. I told someone when I went to the hospital after a really bad panic attack (they were part of a mental health crisis team) and they told me they thought it was still OCD, but they weren’t a psychologist I don’t think, so I don’t know if that’s valid or not. When I did it, it wasn’t looking at the picture or thinking about it, but I feel as though it may have been as a reaction to the feelings which I think is acting on it. I’ve been telling myself for years that it was some kind of compulsion done for relief, but I don’t really believe that because the memories are too confusing and I recently read about rationalisation which has made it feel impossible for me to ever feel like it’s all just OCD ever again because when I read about it it sounded exactly like me. I’m really unhappy and I’ve been in constant mental pain for the past week, sobbing all the time and not wanting my parents to leave because I’m afraid of being alone. I feel like this 100% proves that I’m what I fear and I can’t go to a therapist because I feel like they’ll think it’s obvious I’m in denial. I don’t feel attracted to that stuff now, in fact I feel the opposite, but sometimes I feel doubt because of groinal responses, which don’t feel like normal arousal, but it still frightens me. And a couple of months ago before this obsession started again I felt like I could be attracted, but every time the focus of the obsession goes to the real-event OCD rather than that it feels different. Even if I’m not what my OCD says, I still feel like this action in my past was disgusting and unforgivable and I feel as though I can’t think of it as OCD anymore because I don’t believe that anymore, and then there’s also the rationalisation anxiety. Please don’t tell me if you think it’s not ocd because I really can’t deal with that right now and I feel very ill.