Hey! I also have ROCD in my cocktail of themes. I can relate to what you’re describing and I know how scary/uncomfortable it feels!
I have been with my husband for 12 years and we have two beautiful kids together (a 5 year old boy & a 1 year old girl 🥰). When I started therapy for my OCD, ROCD was one of the focal points, as I struggle with false memory (Did I cheat? Have I ever really liked him? Should we even be together if I actually did all of the bad things I think I might have done?). The one thing that my therapist told me that really stuck, and that helped me navigate my own doubts and fears was that OCD tends to attack the things that we value the most. While it might be true that you are struggling with distinguishing between true emotions versus ROCD induced emotions or feelings, it sounds to me like your ROCD is currently in the driver’s seat. The reason I say that is because if the thoughts you’re having about your relationship are recurring and if they are causing distress, it’s OCD lying to you.
What might be helpful is to sit down and journal about what the thoughts sound like. We all have an OCD voice, which is not the same as YOUR voice. If the voice/thoughts sound urgent, pressing, like they’re trying to problem solve, or if they’re causing doubt/distress, it’s OCD. You happen to care a lot for your partner, which is likely the culprit for why you’re distressed. You realized that despite what OCD is trying to tell you, the thoughts are going against what YOU truly feel.
For a bigger picture, you might write down what actual issues (if any) you’re having in your relationship that are causing strain. If these are things that can be worked through, then that’s even better. And you can talk with a therapist about how to go about having that conversation. But this is just an opportunity for you to connect with your partner on a deeper level and practice communicating when you start to feel overwhelmed by negative emotions. On the other hand, you may just try telling your OCD “Maybe I will feel this way forever. Maybe I’m not meant to be with this person, & I may never know. Thanks OCD for trying to keep me safe, but I’m doing just fine & I don’t need your help navigating my relationship.”
The other thing you might try for an exposure (and run this by your therapist first) is sitting down with your partner and explaining to them that your ROCD is causing you to experience intense feelings of emotional numbness & doubt, and that if you’re acting some type of way that’s out of the ordinary, your partner can see that it’s just OCD.
I have a channel that I follow on YouTube and it’s called “OCD & Anxiety”. The creator, Nathan Peterson, has some really great content surrounding ROCD. I don’t recommend watching it in service of your OCD as that would be compulsive and would provide some reassurance, but perhaps when your thoughts aren’t so noisy, turn it on and see what he has to say!
Wishing you the best of luck on your path forward. You are not your thoughts. You are not your OCD. You will get through this..
