This is killing me right now

When i was 15, I remember speaking to this 23 year old girl online and we texted everyday and ended up meeting up. The first time we met up we sat together at a bench and went on a walk and even hugged and took photos of each other. Then we met for the second time and this time we agreed that I would go to her house and I did. We sat down together and watched a sort of romantic drama movie and we cried and hugged alot. Even after the movie finished I still hugged her and cried because I told her what I was going through at the time, we even held each other for a few minutes not letting go. I really can't remember how long I was at her house but it was a few hours, she even took a photo of me and said that she wanted to keep this as a gift from me or something, then when i went home i messaged her and admitted that i wanted to kiss her and she said that she also wanted to kiss me, specifically kiss my eyes. Now the part that makes me feel horrible is when I was going home, I hugged her and I feel like my intent might have been to feel her body on mine, im so scared because I think that was the intent, but only during that last hug or other ones I can't remember. Also I have false memories like that I secretly touched myself there but I think its false but I just dont know.

SAGUI

Date posted: 22h

You’re 15 and you were attracted to someone 23. It’s very normal to want that. But the fact is that she groomed you. You are in no way in the wrong here. Nothing that happened was your fault. I’m really sorry this happened to you.

Anonymous

Date posted: 22h

Thank you so much for your reply. This isnt ongoing anymore, I eventually realised how wrong it was and stopped talking to her, to be honest, i dont care about what others have done to me, I care about what I've done because I've done some horrible things too when I was 12-14. Even though they probably dont compare to grooming, it was still bad. But all in all, I dont care that others hurt me, I care that I hurt others

SAGUI

Date posted: 22h

@Anonymous I get what you’re saying. I understand that others hurting you doesn’t really bother you but that’s not a good mentality to have. Until you really sit with how much other people have hurt you you can’t really grow from your pain.

Anonymous

Date posted: 22h

@SAGUI Yeah I get what you're saying, unfortunately this isnt the first time I've been groomed, it happened before online and it was much worse than the situation described in this post. Its such a strange situation because I've hurt others but at the same time people have severely hurt me, but I think the obsessive thoughts focus more on the things I've done rather than the things others have

SAGUI

Date posted: 21h

@Anonymous Same. I’ve never been groomed I think so I can really give much advice but I have been SA’d and I really do think you should see a therapist in my opinion.

Anonymous

Date posted: 21h

@SAGUI Im really really sorry that you went through that and I send you strength and peace 🧡. I've been seeing a therapist for quite some time now and I have touched on the grooming thing but I never made it the main focus. I've always focused on the things I've done so I think that in the next session I will bring up this dilemma im having about the fact that I've done really really bad things but also the fact people have done horrible things to me. Again, im really sorry that you went through this 😔

SAGUI

Date posted: 21h

@Anonymous Yeah, well, you should probably bring up the grooming thing.

Anonymous

Date posted: 21h

@SAGUI Thank you so much for your help and i wish you happiness and peace and freedom from all the unbearable feelings 🙏🙏

Anonymous

Date posted: Yesterday

Just wanted to say I still am 15 and I will be 16 soon but this happened last year

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