Fears around Consent

I have had a few situations where I misread someone’s hesitancy during intimacy and now that im rethinking every moment I wonder if the person felt pressured. I always give people a verbal out to something, like “listen, we do NOT have to do this at all if you do not want to” and even asking are you sure? Because of my anxiety. But I do wonder and worry if I accidentally pressured someone without meaning to. Like one time me and my ex were gonna try something knew and he was being weird about it so I kinda got frustrated like listen we do not have to do this so do not attempt to do something u do not wanna do. It’ll just make things weird for the both of us. He ended up telling me to do it and still kinda made it weird so I got frustrated and stopped because I don’t like being in situations like that. Afterwards I asked if he felt pressured and he said he felt only a little pressure because he wanted to do it because I wanted to do it. Which is like?????) now I just feel weird. This happened months ago but I woke up with extreme anxiety this morning

Steve.Ribby

Date posted: 6d

Relationship communication is hard to navigate. But you have to remember, there are 2 people in a relationship, and it takes 2 people to make it work. You're zoomed in. Try zooming out and seeing the big picture. I Ask all the questions, not just the ones I'm fixated on. Then when I get the answer, I don't let the answer slip from my memory.

dee012

Date posted: 6d

@Steve.Ribby It’s just he was a bit manipulative towards me and actually did things without my consent so idk if im worried i did the same thing back to him. Like without realizing I feel like i gave him the opportunity to say no while also asking the right questions to make sure things were ok but I could’ve went about it differently. I no longer talk to this man as he was a bit terrible so I can’t really ask him anything lol Thanks for ur comment!

Steven22130

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 8d

Makes sense that OCD is trying to hijack something important to you. Sitting with uncertainty is difficult sometimes but it is so worth it.

dee012

Date posted: 6d

@Steven22130 Thank you

Theeckmas

Date posted: 20h

Sounds like you really care about the other person being comfortable enough that you haven’t done anything wrong. Consent can be tricky, and isn’t always black and white. If you were going around to other people forcing things left and right, that’s a different story. This doesn’t sound like anything remotely like that.

dee012

Date posted: 16h

@Theeckmas Yeah, I have been in a few situations were consent was a bit tricky. I have been on both ends. The one who worries about how they receive the consent and I’ve been the one to give consent in a gray murky area of intimacy. So I don’t know. I think the best thing is just verbal communication and being on the same page with the other person, that will help me and the other person for all future encounters.

Kevin V

Date posted: 19h

Well, it can be a bit of a gray zone, but ultimately if he did consent, then it was his choice. Some people are willing to do things for others, and that consideration does not decrease the validity of their consent.

dee012

Date posted: 16h

@Kevin V Is a gray zone a crime? I think that’s what I’m worried about too be honest. I wouldn’t want to make anyone feel pressured under any circumstance. It seemed more like him wanting to do something because I wanted to but when I looked it up it said that it coercion. So idk. I am very careful about concert to the point where I have literally bothered other people because of it. I have had guys tell me “why are u even asking? Just do it? “U don’t have to ask…” like so many times! Sometimes they get turned off so it’s like idk. Lose lose

Kevin V

Date posted: 14h

@dee012 That's the thing. If you want absolute, 100% certainty about consent, you aren't going to get that. You can maybe 99% sure, but never 100%. That's just how it is.

dee012

Date posted: 16h

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