I feel done for.

Here’s the thing with POCD which makes it real tough: The more you fight the OCD by reassuring yourself "Im not attracted to X" or "This is not who I am", the more the OCD fights back by telling you a bunch of "what if", accompanied with false attraction and the groinal response. You’re never going to win by fighting it. This is what fuels the whole thing. The best thing you can do is accept the uncertainty. When the thoughts/feelings arise, tell yourself "Maybe, maybe not. I dont know" and let them be there. You’re not saying that they are true, but you’re not saying that they are not true either. I know how this is going to make you feel: accepting that this thing, which goes against all your values, has even just a possibility of being true? Absolutely terrifying. But im sorry to say, this is the only way to become better. When you start saying "Maybe, Maybe not, I dont know!" at every "What If" OCD throws at you, all while not engaging in compulsions and reassurance, you stop giving these harmful thoughts attention and meaning, which is what keeps them alive. Its easy to forget that thoughts are just thoughts, they dont hold any meaning until we give them that. They dont define who we are nor do they have any impact on the real world! Its important to note that the bigger you let your ego be, the harder accepting the uncertainty is going to be. When you have these high expectations of yourself, you end up feeding the part of your that fights the OCD, which is not what we want to do as it fuels the fight that the OCD feeds off of, thus leading to you losing. Its nice reminding ourselves that we’re all fudged up human beings, but despite that, we try our best to do good :-)

When I was 15 through to 18 my intrusive thoughts got so so dark and scary. I would panic that I couldn't get away from myself. One thought would spiral out of control until I genuinely started to think that I had the most upsetting compulsions. I don't know if it's because of my age at the time but I was able to curb it to the point that my brain won't even bother trying it anymore. I don't know if it's recommended though. But I used to belittle my thoughts. I called it my "torturous mind". I told it to not even bother, and to fuck off. I said it all out loud. "I don't care. There's no point, fuck off". I bullied that part of my mind until I was the one in control. Felt weird saying it out loud at first but then it just became normal.

I would do what Monkey Maniac said to do. Whenever you have the thoughts, just think “Maybe I am, maybe Iʻm not. I donʻt know.” Then do a little grounding exercise such as counting at least three things you see and three things you hear while standing up. The fact that you want to be a good person is a strong indicator that youʻre not what your ocd says you are. Youʻre not a monster. Youʻre a person with ocd. I hope this helps in some way.