after work post

hey everyone, I hope you’re doing ok. I feel like I need support today. I just finished a small cry after being overwhelmed with thoughts. today hasn’t been the best, honestly. I showed up to work in the morning, later than usual since I wasn’t scheduled, and felt fine. but yk how most of my shift involves me being alone? yeah, well, I spent most of my time listening to youtube videos that had my interest. anyway, while I had these videos in the background, I kept having thoughts about there being a god or not. the most known one is God from the Bible. buckle up, cos this is gonna be a vent post. I have been identifying myself as agnostic for a while now & currently, at this time, I don’t feel as confident. I have recently been looking up questions in relation to christianity & have been overwhelmed with the answers. I just don’t know what to believe. I don’t know if a god exists, different gods, or not. maybe a goddess. I don’t know. and it’s been fucking frustrating. I want to believe that there’s more after death, and that we ascend to a better realm. because there’s no way that this goes away afterwards. sometimes I think, will it be lights out after death? or will there be more things like described in the Bible? or something else that no one has thought of? or perhaps maybe one religion that people barely knew about was right? what even is the truth? and a big thing about OCD is that the best way to beat it is to accept uncertainty. but how can I accept that when it comes to this? what if I go on my entire life believing something else instead of, let’s say, Christianity? and then after death, it turns out to be true? would God send me to suffer because I didn’t know for sure? would a god like that be loving, as many claim? how would I be at fault if it people have the ability to twist words and take advantage of people? I’d be out of luck if I hadn’t followed a religion or at least believed and it turned out to be true but do we really have freedom and is this god all loving if we decide to not believe and he sends us to suffer???? how would we have known while we lived if what we were told were lies or not???? I don’t think it’s fair that I suffer in the end because I wasn’t sure of what was true or not. and I don’t want to suffer. all I care about in the end is to be sure I can see my family again. I’m crying again as I type this. if I had a way to know that I will see them again & my past, present, and future pets & friends after death, I wouldn’t be scared. I would take my time to live my life to the fullest & be happy as I can be. but I don’t know. we can’t know. at least, not in the current lifetime. will we ever find out what happens after death? will we be able to somehow resurrect the dead and ask them questions? some might get angry for reviving them & ask to be left alone & let them die again lol. I’m at a loss. I find it so fucking unfair that this theme is now coming to me. give me a fucking break. I just started healing and changing my ways this year. and this change happened before my ex coworker passed away. I’m bringing him up because his passing made me see life a different way. now I’m appreciating life more. but I was already heading towards healing. at the beginning, I wasn’t talking to “God” or “the universe.”I was focusing on myself and talking to myself. I received advice from people around the internet, specifically YouTube creators. I had support from my dad & continue to do so. my kitties have helped me as well. And I’ve done a good job today by not looking up questions that pop up in my mind relating to this theme/other topics regarding monotheism. I think I’d like to believe that there is a purpose & that after dealing with life’s bs in this lifetime, we will move onto a better world. I hope that is the case. but right now, this theme is messing with me. there are so many questions and I don’t know who to believe. I just want peace, contentment, happiness, gratitude, and good times. I am just overwhelmed. like if God turned out to be real, would he hate me for not being sure that he existed???? would he hate me for being bisexual???? he’s supposed to be loving, right? so he would understand what I’m going through. sometimes I wish he was real so I can know there’s someone to witness my true intentions and know that I’m a good person. sometimes I don’t because of things I’ve heard about him. I don’t fucking know. I was sorta raised to believe and sometime around, idk, middle school or high school, I dipped out. I remember praying at my church camp with the counselor to take my fear of balloons away. guess what? it’s still there. I remember praying for my mom to find a good husband because even though we fought often during my teen years, I still wanted her to not be alone. even when that night at the park she found my little gay drawing and said that it didn’t make God happy. even after what she has said to me, I still prayed she would find love instead of me. guess what? she’s still trying to find that man after several men later. the current one is someone I don’t like, because he thinks being gay is a sin. I’ve been closeted this entire time because I honestly don’t know what she’ll think. my dad knows. he believes in God. and guess what? he still loves me. he still supports me. and not a lot of people who have parents that believe in God get that, sadly. I don’t want to be harsh on my mom, because I know she’s trying. I can tell she wants to repair our relationship, based on the texts I’ve been receiving from her recently. and you know what? somehow, deep in my heart, I want to have a good relationship with her. there are things I don’t agree with & will hopefully have her come around after a talk. I don’t know. and I wouldn’t say there’s nothing after death, because how would anyone know??? I don’t understand atheists either. so then how do you live your life??? is it full of void??? do you realize that nothing matters???? does it make someone want to do whatever tf they want???? do you live more depressed that way??? I don’t know. I just wish it wasn’t this hard. all I want is to love and be loved. I’m tired of the hatred in this world. that being from religious people, atheists, or whatever. doesn’t matter. I just dislike the negativity plaguing the world right now. why do innocent people have to die? why? how come they get to die and we keep on living? what makes us so worthy? I don’t get it. when I think about not following religion, I feel better because I feel like I’m not chained to rules that I don’t even know are true or not. but then I am left wondering what it all means and if we get to keep existing afterwards. not existing sounds scary. I somehow feel a bit at ease knowing that even if it were true, there wouldn’t be any suffering. bothers wouldn’t be anything and there wouldn’t be consciousness to have anxiety or anything. when I don’t dream, I am just resting. I have experienced this plenty of times. there is nothing but pitch black. and there is no happiness, there is no sadness. no joy, no pain. just nothing. and I’m not conscious. feels like peace. and yet, when I wake up, I feel reality kick in. the cortisol levels hit in the morning & either people get memories from the day before or some others get intrusive thoughts. but what was there before waking up was nothing. so, that’s what I hope it would be, if nothing else happens after death. but then I want to see my family, friends, and pets again. you see where I’m going with this??? it feels like a cycle. I don’t know what to do. I kind of want to believe in God and that I won’t be judged for who I am, but there are so many questions. sometimes, I feel like I have angels guarding me for the way my ass didn’t pay much attention on the road before. how I’m still here is a miracle. and then I don’t want to believe because of all the scary shit I hear. and how people do horrible things and justify it with using whatever fucking book they read. I feel like by reading the Bible or whatever else will feel like signing up for the military. and I’ve been warned NOT to advise loved ones or myself to go by those who served. and the recent thing I did by speaking with “Jesus” somehow left me feeling like he was listening. I don’t fucking know anymore. I feel connected to mother nature and religious people don’t acknowledge mother nature bc it’s God or whatever else they believe in. and oh my GOOOOOOOSSSSSHHH this has infiltrated how I should go about with dating. idk, but I heard dating is hard as it is making friends rn. well, as an agnostic, I don’t know what to fucking do!!!! can I date a religious person if I’m, I don’t know, questioning?! can I date an atheist?!?! or should I go with a deist?!?! TOO MANY QUESTIONS!!!! I don’t fucking knowwwww!!!!! hahahaha!!! I don’t know!!!! how wonderful it is to have this theme!!!!! wow!!!! anyway, I’m just gonna continue on with my day & do something productive. I think this was today’s problem. I’m clocking out. I will deal with tomorrow’s problem tomorrow. this was long. whoops! I appreciate if anyone read this so far. I wanted to let this baby out. remember to breathe. be kind to yourself. you can do this! hugs 🫂