Hocd

@Anonymous I lately started questioning my sexuality. I’ve never had doubt that i was straight and now idk what caused it but i started thinking that im into women. Firstly it looked like ocd because i was like obsessivly checking my reactions to women or just imagining stuff to make sure i don’t want to be with one to reassure myself but now the anxiety is gone and I’m starting to believe that i acctually am bi or whatever. It’s not even about the labels just the fact that i might be attracted to women and i don’t want to. Also lately i stopped not wanting it so bad so im just confused if im maybe accepting the fact that i might be into girls or its ocd but i just got used to being anxious and got tired from checking.

@Anonymous I just overall fear that i will think something when i look at women, it’s not even that im getting clear thoughts about wanting to be with them it’s the thought of getting them that is scaring me so im like constantly in this control over myself

@Anonymousgirl4 This is the two tail spike with ocd. The anxiety from the thoughts fade which is the goal, and now your questioning why the thoughts don’t bother you. It’s an extremely Normal reaction most if not all people go through in their recovery, trips everyone up, but you can’t give in to it. That rumination and worry is what feeds ocd. It’s the same as always: just ocd. You’ve got to just sit with the uncertainty. Thoughts DO NOT determine actions and they do not keep us from living by your values. If you wanna be straight then when those thoughts/ doubts/ worries come up just acknowledge them and move on. (I know this is really hard but with practice and sitting through the discomfort it gets easier and easier) and your brain will eventually get the picture and these thoughts will come up less and less. Till eventually they’re not even on your radar. Just gotta be consistent and keep putting in the work

@TE1022 Thank you, that’s really helpful

@TE1022 What’s making me also confused is that i don’t really feel drawn to men. It’s probably because my whole attention is on women and I’m too anxious to maybe like someone now but still, it’s making me believe that I’m attracted to women since I’m not attracted to men. I was watching tiktok recently and this woman was talking about how she always thought she liked boys but then she discovered she was lesbian and that she never really liked boys, she just wanted them to like her, and it really sounds just like me at least from what i experienced(except the lesbian part i guess). I know that it’s just some random woman on social media and that her life is completely different but idk. I’m glad the obsessive thoughts are calming down but it’s making me believe that it means i am into girls and i don’t know why but my mind thinks that if i won’t think about it then it is true. I’m not even trying to deny it or argue with it at this point. Sorry for dumping it all here right now but I’m just so tired of this.

@Anonymousgirl4 Yea def understand. OCD loves uncertainty. We can’t be 100% sure about anything. Even if were 99% sure that 1% is all ocd needs, where we recover or move forward so being ok with that uncertainty and living life according to our values anyways. So in your case. If you don’t like the thoughts, or the what ifs, Then you’ve got to start practicing mindfulness. You notice the thoughts and you have the power of choice. Choose what you want to give attention to, the what ifs. The doubts.the urges. Whatever it is that’s bothering you or you don’t like. You give those things power to bother you. The power of choice is where we grow. OCD recovery is learning how powerful choice is. It’s very uncomfortable at first, but the more you sit in the discomfort the easier it gets, so really decide where your values lie and what you want and move forward with conviction that any thoughts that suggest otherwise get no attention from you

@TE1022 Yea, I’m trying to avoid testing and checking all my reactions, I’m just hoping it will end soon, i feel like i don’t know who i am anymore. Thanks again

@TE1022 Wow, I just joined a few days ago, all of this is so new to me, but I feel so lucky with the profound insight here. All of your responses are so helpful, you have so much clarity.

@Anonymousgirl4 Thanks so much for sharing. I can relate to what you’re saying, and had no idea this was OCD until recently. So for me, I began constantly checking if I was attracted to women( never have been) after I was triggered by a conversation that I felt threatened by (why I was wondering if you had a trigger). My husband and I were having a conversation on sexual boundaries in our relationship, and the topic of threesome came up (terrifying for me). There ended up being this big debate about female sexuality, because I pointed out there would never be an expectation for him to accept another male in his bed as easily as that is thrown at women. Anyway we broke down where these beliefs even stem from, and his thought was “all were women were somewhat gay”. Now this really annoyed me, but my mind turned on me and started to ask and check.”Well am I? Is something wrong with me that I’m not?” And I went down a rabbit hole of checking how I feel, looking at women to see if there was anything, researching threesomes… I’ve learned at least part of the root for my obsessions is a fear of not being enough, or somehow broken… and as I continued the conversation with my husband he told me it was just something he thought about, but he doesn’t want to be intimate with anyone else and if I offered, he’d decline. The excessive noise in my brain went quiet. I felt safe. And it’s been quiet since but will sometimes reemerge, but not nearly like before. I know I’m not attracted to women, but your brain just wants to be sure, it’s urgent for you, and after a while with this constantly wearing you down, maybe you might begin to “brace” for your fear, wanting to accept maybe you are attracted to women, making you temporarily less anxious, but that’s part of the OCD as well, and something I notice I “brace” with some of my other obsessions. Anyway, I hope my response helps in some way, I related to what you said and was amazed at how it’s all OCD.

@Anonymous Just been through the thick of ocd. I’m a problem solver. Consider myself very logical so I couldn’t understand why my brain was working against me, Consumed content, listened to podcasts, read books, watched videos. Tried to learn all I could so I knew how to put in the work to regain my mental peace. Just trying to help Others do the same

@Anonymous Thanks for sharing too. I joined today to this app and i think that it really helped me. Hearing all this stories and seeing people relate to what i say or just seeing similarity in these situations is making me calmer. And honestly i have no idea what triggered my doubt in the first place, it started like maybe more than a month ago. I can feel it’s not as strong as it used to be. I used to be in this constant checking mode and now i Think i finally gave it a rest, at least now i feel this way. It’s really frustrating for me tho that one moment i’m completely absorbed by thoughts and fully convinced that i feel something for women and next moment i’m completely fine and calm thinking that it was all overreaction and i am 100% straight. It’s so crazy how your brain does that all to you. Anyways, I’m really hoping this time it really is over and i hope that it will be for you too, wish u the best!!