can anyone help?

so i have ROCD and at the start it was bad and then it calmed down a bit and its spiked up a few days ago and it felt worse than ever and it’s slowly going back down and i went for a run this morning and felt good but came back and my mind was racing with thoughts like “am i happy” “what if im not” “am i happy with what we’re working towards” and just a lot of what’s ifs and thinking in the future and i looked over to our bed and she was sleeping peacefully and i just feel horrible to be even thinking these things because i love her so much and I know that so why am i having these thoughts. It makes me feel so sad thinking about if she knew i was having these thoughts and i feel like i bad boyfriend and it really just breaks my heart. Im not so sad about the thoughts im having right now because I know it’s not true but it’s more just feeling bad for her in a sense. Anything will help :)

Emmba

Date posted: 14h

I feel the same way towards my boyfriend. I feel horrible for how I question are relationship. What’s helped me is learning it’s actually very normal to have the doubting thoughts of a relationship it’s just that usually other people can let them go and completely forget. Unfortunately we stick on them. Just know that ocd usually attacks the opposite of how we really feel. Also, when you start to get so anxious on how you feel about a certain situation you drain yourself and can’t feel things right. That happened to me when I got so worried if I loved my boyfriend enough or at all and I got so upset that I couldn’t feel the emotion for a while. But it comes back and try to hold on the the moments of clarity

Kade Plummer

Date posted: 14h

@Emmba Thank you like right now, she’s cuddled up asleep on me and it feels really good and I just get so worked up and overwhelmed that I’d even have those thoughts about her. Then when it goes away I just think how could I even think that. If you don’t mind me asking how long have you had it for?

Emmba

Date posted: 14h

@Kade Plummer I didn’t know until sometime in October I think. But these were my exact thoughts from like September - November. It will probably chance to a different topic. I think I’ve had it for a while when i remember certain things but i figured it out because i had such a bad spiral about telling him that i had looked at some things I shouldn’t have and i thought he would hate me. It triggered an avalanche of different spirals. After i confessed about that to him i still had that guilty feeling and still didn’t feel right which made me spiral thinking that the feeling of somethings wrong I had meant God was telling me we weren’t meant to be together. Then it turned into do I love him enough and I would check my feelings all the time. Now I’m so scared of cheating on him and keep checking memories. Also we’re long distance while I’m in college so in between all of those spirals I was waiting three weeks to tell him which made me go insane. But we ended up getting engaged in January. The guy I talk to about ocd is the campus minister and will be our officiant and has ocd. He’s helped me a lot and told me that our brain is making new neural pathways each time we have those thoughts and give it time and those pathways get thicker each time we go back and think about it. We have to retrain our thinking and it takes a certain time for the pathways to go away but they do. Thinking about that helps sometimes

Emmba

Date posted: 14h

Also- it might help that I have talked to him about how I don’t tell him everything I spiral about or not in detail because his brain doesn’t work like that and he doesn’t understand completely. I told him I felt guilty for not telling him everything and he reassured me that he didn’t need to know everything. It’s honestly I think healthier for you and your partner to not dissect your thoughts because it can make it worse. Our officiants wife told me she asked him not to tell her about it all the time. She said it’s like if you have a missing arm you don’t have to tell everyone you have a missing arm you just learn how to adapt to life without an arm

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