Eating Disorder and OCD

When I was in Jr high (ages ago, I'm 30 now lol) I developed an eating disorder. Had to see a nutritionist, doctors, sit out of PE, and more. It followed throughout my life but in stints. In my late teens, I didn't know I had OCD but I was super obsessive with the gym and weighing myself. I couldn't miss the gym or stay somewhere if it meant my gym day was the next day that would case me to miss it. I would hid myself on bathrooms to do sit ups, or weigh myself. I've shared my story on here before but eventually I was admitted into the hospital twice and after that I quit the gym..for a year. Gained over 100+ pounds in that time. Was super unhealthy. So many tasks were hard but I was scared to go back but a part of me enjoyed not needing to be obsessive about it anymore. From that time to now I put in a lot of work and lost over 130lbs and worked with trainer and changed my diet and lifestyle. But my eating disorder has shown face as of late and is even teaming up with my OCD. One thing I try to remind myself is that just because I've been on record for x amount years doesn't mean I have to be perfect every day. Because OCD loves sabotaging and coming for me when I'm doing better. I was loving being Healthy and enjoying the gym again. My personal trainer had me shake some things up with increasing my carbohydrate and fat intake due to our training, which that was a bit scary from my eating disorder background and of course OCD knew that. But I knew I had to eat to keep up with the training. Eventually I had to see a neurologist for consistent headaches I have been having for a couple years and they put me topiramate. To relieve the pressure that was around my brain. Well one of the side effects was weight loss due to it being an appetite suppressant. For a couple months it really didn't cause me any rumination at least anything extreme because I kept using the "maybe… Maybe not" tool. Because I kept having this fear of the medication being what's making me have success in my journey of fitness. I guess I was able to keep it at bay for a couple months until recently I was not able to anymore. I fell into rumination and looking up articles about the medication, about the side effects, about the dosage, messaging my trainer, etc. I started discrediting my entire training and work that I have been putting in for an entire year and put this migraine medication on this pedestal like it was the only possible way for me to have had the success I have had when it came to my health journey in the last four years. Not me working out 4 to 5 times a week and completely changing my diet. I looked back to my tools and I think I was just so lost in rumination that at that point in time nothing was working for me because usually my go to is the "shotgun tool". Where the shotgun tool that I've learned is an aid to help you distinguish between what you intellectually and logically know from the emotional feeling of certainty you want. So in this case I knew it was my OCD flooding me with all of these thoughts and I knew I was the one putting in all of this hard work not this migraine medication that was causing me to lose the weight that I did. With all of this I could be hard on myself and beat myself but one of my other tools is, how would I talk to a friend? And I know if my best friend was going through this...I would console him. So I hope for whoever reads this I don't want this come across as OCD is impossible or never ending. On the hard days we have to remember to keep being kind to ourselves and know there isn't time stamp on recovery. For me, I know I'll continue my therapy and we'll tackle this eating disorder and buckle down on some tools. I'm here along with yall! Love 💚