Help! I need to tell my story. It is long but if you could hear me and help me somehow I would be very thankful and pray for you! I am 16 soon 17, experimenting medium-strong HOCDz I hope my story won’t take too long but I really need help from those who maybe experiment the same thing. During my childhood, my father was not always present for me emotionally. He cheated many times on my mother, I saw him screaming at her even being violent( i don’t want to get into details ) so it became a kind of dominant masculine power into my mind. I still remember liking this girl in kindergarten and after all the cheating stuff began. From that moment, when I was only 6-7 i started searching on internet photos of muscled men. I even used to girly things in my childhood (playing with dolls) as now i find it a scary proof which gives me a great deal of anxiety.As the time passed and I grew I started watching gay porn. The thing is that I always had these images being dominated and powerless which at that time didn’t me any questions. The thing is that I never imagined myself in an emotional way with a man-but never, even when I was 10 or 9 or whatever that sounded very bad. After masturbating I always felt bad and somewhere in my soul I always knew that something was wrong. I always but always dreamed of a family with a beautiful woman and kids even when I was masturbatig. I still remember praying to God telling that this isn’t me! In my secondary, I was bullied and called names. Highschool, I was 15 came and I met this guy who was evidently gay or bi or whatever (i can’t even write these words without getting anxiety) and somehow we started becoming friends, till i posed the question he is gay, i am .. i didn’t know so we talked till one night we were in the city and he almost kissed me (almost because at that moment I was so freaked out and grossed and I felt it was so wrong but at the same time I was hopeless being given that girls didn’t interest me at that time. However I turned it off and never went again on such a date. All this shit gay dating questioning lasted for 6-7 months which were the worst of my life. I got the worst anxiety ever thinking and beliving that that was the life for me - living in gross gay relationships (i am really sorry, i am not homophobic but for me it’s just horrifying). That period i frequented a psychiatrist where I didn’t talk about these problems and just gave me some pills for stress. After this period the big question came « woah man, then.. there must be something between you and girls ». I started a journey of self development. I meditated, I lifted weights I started getting fit as in the « black period » as I call it I was not only skinny but almost cadaveric. So things got better, my self esteem grew and grew. I strengthened my relationship with God as before I didn’t belive in.And from one to another, I started getting aroused by girls, I started having fantasies sexuals and emotionals. I kissed girls and the time always seem to stop during that. I had these crush on a girl I found as an angel when I looked at her I felt my stomach float. I was very happy. Men didn’t seem attractive to me no more and I started thinking normal, I made a lot of friends( dudes) playing basketball. I felt great. Winter came and another question comes ( Why? But why did I have all these gay thoughts? Why, when now they seem so ugly, horrible, dark. They must have meant something. What if they still exist. What if I am denying and I am secretly hiding myself. And so the story of my HOCD begins. I obsess almost 24/7 and fearing that I am secretly bisexual. These thoughts make me crazy and depressed. I can’t even stay near a boy and not be afraid: what if? What if? What if I get a groinal response. What if the old times came back. The thought of a man touching me sensually makes me sick and at the same time I am focusing on my groinal to see if something happens. I just can’t imagine myself with a man but the HOCD IS THERE WHISPERING SOME BULLSHIT IN MY EAR. Since I identified all of my symptoms with HOCD i got also pocd and existential ocd but those stopped. But this, this keeps playing with me. Please, if you read all of these, I really need help the thought of any encounter with man starts making me crazy. I started watching too much porn I think I am begging to be addicted to reasure myself... I know deep in my soul I am straight i know but all my past experience amplifies my HOCD. Even the thought of being bi scares me. Help!