Warning, VERY LONG: Okay so I just got triggered. Gay people say they knew they were gay from a young age, like they didn’t talk about the opposite sex or go Gaga over them. In sixth grade I was reading a book where this girl was a tomboy and all the guys liked her, so I dressed like a tomboy cause I thought I’d get guys to notice me. But me and my friends rarely talked about guys and I didn’t think anything of it cause I remember having crushes that time and thinking that about myself. Also in sixth grade my mom asked if I liked boys and I said “ew no that’s gross” (note: two years before I was being sexually abused by a guy and watched my friend as well) and then she asked “do you like girls” and I went “ew no that’s even grosser.” And I remember at times telling my dad I thought all the girls talking about guys was dumb, but I remember in seventh grade I started talking about boys more. Like before hocd hit I had a huge crush on Hayes grier and had my first ever sexual dream with him. I remember telling my mom I think I’m starting to get an interest in guys. But after that hocd hit like two months before I was 13. When my hocd is gone for awhile I think guys are cute and want a relationship but when it’s not I’m always freaking out. As a little little kid I remember finding guys cute, chasing boys on playgrounds, telling one we’re gonna get married on Monday, telling them they’re cute, being obsessed with the Ken Barbie doll and all that stuff. This all is so much harder for me (hocd) cause I have anxiety with guys touching me since I was sexually abused for three years, witnessed him rape my best friend and touch 7 other girls. Once when I was fifteen this guy touched my thigh and I had a huge anxiety attack. I’m much better now, but there’s only truly been one boy I’ve loved and TRULY KNOW I’ve wanted him to touch me. I also remember finding this one guy so cute when we i was 15. I have only ever gotten turned on by sexting with a guy and guys touching me. Like then my hocd goes “well you’ve never tried it with a girl” but I don’t wanna. This all is so intense and scary. Reading my past do I sound gay? :( or possibly could be I’m so scared

You’re asking for reassurance, which makes your OCD worse in the long run. Instead of asking whether or not you’re gay, sit with the thoughts, acknowledge their presence in your mind, and let them go without placing any meaning onto them. Also, I’m very sorry to hear that you were sexually abused ?

I was sexually abused as a child also and suffer from hocd as well. But the over all diagnosis is ptsd. I highly recomend you find a therapist who is trauma certified because ptsd has all the ocd components too. I have done alot of EMDR among other therapies. You have to attack these intrusive thoughts a little differantly than just plain ocd. Ptsd obsessions stick just a little bit stronger than if it were just ocd by its self. But exposure does help too!!

Girl your story is just like mine. My older brother has autism too. I was always the little mom. Im convinced you need a trauma therapist. They generally are very well versed in anxiety diorders because trauma can cause severe anxiety issues.

I have obsessed about the pedo stuff and health related things too. Also my loved ones dieing. My therapist told me that when you have ptsd we lose the sense of internal safety that every person is born with. So hence any kind of anxiety disorder you can think of. We dont feel safe inside ourselves.

I actually overcame all of this stuff for years. Got married and everything. I was pregnant and lost the baby at 5 months pregnant. It triggered me back into all this stuff. But its been easier this time and im recovering faster.

I promise you that help is out there for you! My therapist specialized in trauma. I would recomend that without a doubt. Dont wait as long i did. I was 27 when i realized that i was loseing my mind and needed to do something and get help. Its the hardest thing i have ever had to do but it works!

Yes. I had to take things into my own hands too. Intrusive thoughts are very common with ptsd also. Do your research and find a highly respected trauma therapist and dedicate years to your recovery. You are worth it!! This is not something that is easily figured out within a few months time. Its unfair that we were robbed of something very valuable like our sense of self because of others horrible actions and we are left with pieces to put back together. Its so fucking unfair and i totally understand. But you are stronger than realize and you will find the right therapist and get thru this. I highly recommend EMDR if you havnt done it.

When it comes to ptsd its easier to be afraid of abstract ideas than to face the reality of what we went thru. Thats why we obsess about shit thats probably not real. So we obsess about the future because of the past, where typical ocd is caused by a chemical imbalance.