Why did this ruined my whole perception on life. I used to think this shut was amazing and beautiful. I wanted to travel, see country’s, help people in need. I loved cultures and my biggest dream was going to the jungle and all that. Even tho if i wouldnt be able to achieve all that i still had the power and ability to just dream about it. That would be enough. But now even that had been taken. When i think about these things the sparkling feeling doesnt come, the desire to want it and the feeling of just being excited doesnt come up. Thats what makes me feel so numb and dark. For example inalways used to dream about going to tokio. I promised my 12 year old self i would at least visit japan once. Now im able to but i dont feel that passion or that love anymore. Theres zero excitemend. All becaude of the damage hocd has done me. I feel broken and idk if i can be restored again. I dont wsnt to miss out on these things. I get so sad thinking about that ill might never feel that magical feeling i used to crave so much. My young me would be so dissapointed. I dont wanna stay bitter but i littersly csnt control my feelings. I cant tell my soul to feel excited when its just anxious all the time. It has to be natural and genuine and im so afraid im not able to ever produce natural and genuine feelings without at least think of something that i dont wsnt to think about, like a hocd thought or just any of all the fucked up thoughts that ruined me. I have friends who are depressed but theyre sad they tell me but they keep on rumbling about how much they dream of doing this and this and going on vacations n shit and im like, how tf are h even able to be excited or have passion for something? Arent u completely shattered to the point where u cant dream no more. I mean i dont wish them any of what jm feeling and its not like i dont want them to be happy but idk one time we relate with feeling so drained but then suddenly they can act so happy and excited for things. Idk if im the only who has this but my dreams dont feel pure andymore and its sucks because when i was young i just couldnt wait. Like i already was happy but i looked so forward to my dreams thst could make me even more happy and now i csnt even reach being okay. I want to feel those moments so bad without it feeling forced or makingg me anxious. I dont wanna go to tokio unless if i get my old self back and me able to feel thode goosebumps i used to get when i even just thought about being in that city. I just miss feeling alive. When i was young i listened to music and i couldny wait to go clubbing, now im at the age where i csn do all the teen stuff but it doesnt get me excited and it doesnt gibe me sparkle. It gives me anxiety. And i know the obstacle thats causing this is hocd but hocd seems unremovable and i feel like its nesteled in my brain and like a virus i will never lose. So what if the highest point ive reached in my life was when i was 12 and had a crush on harry styles and had a will to live and dreamt all day because it made me feel so so happy and special. I just have to know if im able to get over this and feel that. I dont wanna waste anymore time being like this but i cant stop it and when i try it gets worse. i want to be excited by life again. Right before hocd i was, it all shutered down the minute hocd came in my life. So if hocd is gone will it come back? It feels like ive ruined myself and like im not capable of feeling those feelings ever again.