heartbroken

when other christians say "give it to God" it breaks my heart because i dont even know if i have God or am capable of doing that because i dont know if i have any faith. my mind has blotted out my ability to assess my own faith out of self preservation or just because i felt like i was driving myself crazy constantly assessing if i had faith or not so i can't know if i have faith because my mind wont let me go there. i wish i could "give it to God" but i dont even know if i can. my brain is such a mess i cry so much over Him

Religion & Spirituality OCD

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Date posted: 14h

and i want it to be 4:30 already just so that i can see my therapist . i hate waiting because of my anhedonia there is nothing to do but also because there is so much time to sin

petec09

Date posted: 12h

I can promise you He does want you. He desires ALL to come to repentance and salvation. The good news is faith doesn’t depend on feelings. I’ve felt the worst the past few months than I have in years and I’ve never felt stronger faith. Faith is a daily decision not a feeling that comes and goes.

🧠🫯

Date posted: 11h

@petec09 Ok i will go into more detail just for the sake of this comment and just for someone to understand.. so i have heard that faith is a choice a lot. it doesnt feel like a choice to me. it feels like no matter how much i try to believe i cant. i have even looked up peoples' testimonies on how they have talked to God or have had miraculous miracles happen to them and so... i guess now i "know" God exists because of these testimonies because i believe them to be real but this knowledge feels so empty, i do not feel like i truly "believe" still and because now i "know" He exists, there doesnt seem to be any reason to have faith in my brain. honestly if i had not looked up so much proof i would not have even an ounce of faith, and somehow i still dont brcause this reality where He exists does not feel real to me, its like im constantly having to remind myself that He exists based off of the accounts i have heard instead of it feeling like an internal belief of mine. even then its like theres this distance from me and the reality that I now know to be real. i will never get people saying faith is a choice because i have been trying to make that "choice" for 3 MONTHS, and this isnt to start fighting because i know im being intense but , its just to express my frustration. so since believing is so hard for me, i have convinced myself that maybe i am not "chosen" or apart of the "few elect". i just want an answer from God and im scared that im getting messages about Esau or Ham, about being irredeemable; I struggle with empathy/feeling love so this search for God feels so empty; i do not feel any desire to worship or serve Him and i dont revere Him, but i want to and i know thats right, but all i feel like i want to do is avoid Hell. i feel liike sucha. bad person, not fit for God because of this. I have had a lot of people pray for me. I go to church, but it makes me so uncomfortable each time when they talk about hell because i just dont know what to do to make HIM SEEM REAL, im completely obsessed with it and trying to come to God has made my OCD A billion times worse than ever before and its just painful. i hope this helps someone understand. my whole entire life is being suffocated by the fear of not being saved, not knowing how to believe, not knowing how to make that "choice" to have faith like everyone says is a choice. no matter what i do it just doesnt seem real even though I KNOW He's real. im just convinced im not chosen by Him if its so hard

🧠🫯

Date posted: 14h

i just wish i knew if He wanted me. i guess its good that i cant get instant answers from God like i can with people because it leaves it harder for me to get reassurance. but i'm obsessing over if i'm like Esau or if ive committed the unforgivable sin. i feel like such a fraud when i go to church or talk to Christians just because of the amount of bad thoughts ive had about God that i dont even know if they are intrusive thoughts or not. im seeing my Christian therapist today and i need to make sure i dont ask him for reassurance because that's all ive been doing since ive seen him without even knowing i was getting reassurance

🧠🫯

Date posted: 14h

i feel so tired of not knowing and being scared and feeling so far from God and feeling glike i dont have ANY FAITH or belief whatsoever

🧠🫯

Date posted: 11h

its so painful hearing that He wants me to come to repentance because yeah, i want Him too, but it's like there's this barrier in this brain thats preventing me from believing/having faith and so it feels like someones waving a million dollars in my face and im trying my hardest to grab it and i just cant. thats why i want to believe so much. ive tried so hard that its destroyed my brain.

Booknerd7

Date posted: 4h

God is all-powerful and all-knowing. He knows your heart. You don’t need to explain much to Him, He knows. Trust that He loves you and wants you to come to Him with your fears, worries, etc. He wants you to follow Him, He offers love and mercy freely. People like us unfortunately tend to overcomplicate things due to the constant noise and worry going on in our heads. God is an understanding God. Like the fellow commenter said above: just choose to have faith. Have faith today - wake up tomorrow and look up and say in your heart “I’m just going to trust you”. It will go a long way. ♥️

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Date posted: 3h

@Booknerd7 please read my whole comment i appreciate the sentiment but thats what my whole obsession is about, mot feeling like i can"choose" to have faith, im scared this inability to feel like i can believe is proof that im not chosen. please read my whole comment so u can understand, im not mad just wanting others to understand so i dont have to explain everything again thank you (genuinely)

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Date posted: 3h

@🧠🫯 (and i am not asking for reassurance either BTW just wanted to clear that up)

🧠🫯

Date posted: 3h

if i could simply "choose" to have faith like people said i would not be here on this app probably because this seeming inability is what landed me with such a debilitating obsession in thr first place... when i realized i needed faith to believe is when everything spiraled... its like no matter how many hours of days of months i spend trying i just havent been able to make everything seem real to me or to make myself believe its real. it doesnt seem like a choice

🧠🫯

Date posted: 3h

i dont understand why believers act liike its so easy... i guess it would make sense if they already believed it would seem illogical not to. but to me it seems crazy all of this is real. and its like i cant make it seem real to me no matter how hard i try. trust me ive heard "choose to have faith", and it confuses me that people say it so simply, as if its so simple. if its so simple then WHY after months have i not figured out how to have faith yet? after months of praying and reading i just think oh well maybe im not destined to believe... im not apart of the few elect...

🧠🫯

Date posted: 3h

its so freaking frusturating and painful and heartbreaking hearing about how loving God is and how helpful he is and how understanding he is. because the only way i can have Him is to believe. and the only thing i need to do to be saved is believe and i cant even feel like i can do that despite months and months of trying and straining my brain to believe and trying to convince myself and trying to read and watch testimonies to convicne myself it just doesnt feel real. i think if im trying this hard and still not succeeding i guess im just not meant for Him... if i was then it shouldnt be this hard right? im so heartbroken

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