Sorry if this is long I need to let this out

A little background of me and my boyfriend relationship. This is my first real boyfriend and we’ve been together for three years .when we first dated I was so obsessed and overthink ALOT and if I leave school early for a doctors appointment I’ll cry because I was scared that he’ll leave me or love me less if I didn’t spend that 5 minutes together after school. He”ll always reassure me and I’ll feel bad for asking him for reassurance every single day. I was basically that girlfriend. Before our three years I felt a change like I was okay that he didn’t text me after he left for work and I knew he’ll text me the next day ( he has a strict mom who barely lets him use his phone so I got used to it) and that’s when I worried if I loved him( that was February when my OCD started now I feel numb and that “ I don’t care “ feeling now ) Lately I’ve been feeling so empty , and that’ bothers . It’s like I can’t access my feelings the way I used to, especially toward my boyfriend. Sometimes it feels like I can’t feel love at all, even though I still want to be with him. Recently my boyfriend came over, and I was happy to see him, but I was also extremely tired and overstimulated. My dog was barking nonstop, my parents and sisters were around, and I felt overwhelmed. I don’t even remember how I felt when I hugged him because everything felt muted. I wanted kisses and wanted to rub my face against his because he’s so soft, and I loved kissing his cheeks, but I kept questioning whether I actually felt anything. When he talked to me in a caring voice, I felt warm and protected, but then my brain immediately questioned it by asking if I just liked being loved or chosen instead of actually loving him. I also compare him to other people. I compare him to couples on Instagram and YouTube who seem to communicate perfectly, and sometimes I even compare him to my sister’s husband because he’s funny and emotionally expressive. I worry that I’m expecting Erick to be like those people instead of accepting him for who he is. That makes me wonder if I’m not committed to my relationship. I constantly worry that we are going to drift apart which is my biggest fear .I keep reading stories online about couples breaking up because they grew apart, and I think that’s made me hyperfocused on making sure our relationship is “perfect.” I realize I’ve started treating Instagram relationships like a standard instead of just entertainment. One of my biggest fears right now is not knowing myself. I keep thinking, “What if I don’t know who I am?” or “What if my feelings change?” or “What if I secretly don’t want my boyfriend anymore?” I want to know my core self before I get older, but instead of learning about myself, I feel like I’m constantly checking myself. I’m also constantly monitoring my emotions like Do I love him enough?Did I miss him enough? Did I want to hug him? Why didn’t I feel butterflies Why don’t I feel guilty enough? Why don’t I care enough? What if I’m forcing everything? I feel like I can’t trust my own feelings anymore because I’m always analyzing them. I still have moments where I naturally miss my boyfriend, want to kiss him, love kissing his cheeks, and want to build a future with him but it’s like I’m doubting everything.