This is annoying

I’ve been scared because I’ve been having what feels like a “new feeling,” and I can’t stop trying to figure out what it means. It started after my therapist asked if something I was describing was a “new feeling.” Ever since then, I’ve been hyperaware of every emotion and body sensation, wondering if this is what she meant. I’ve been experiencing intrusive sexual thoughts and then feeling like I have to imagine or replay them. Sometimes I force myself to imagine scenarios to see how I react. While doing this, I notice sensations in my body, especially in my chest and genital area, and then my mind immediately tells me, “What if you like this?” or “What if this is proof?” The part that scares me the most is that sometimes the feeling reminds me of the soft, numb, warm feeling I get when I want more closeness or intimacy with my boyfriend. Because it feels somewhat similar but no desire , my brain tells me that maybe this means I secretly want the intrusive scenarios too. That thought terrifies me. I’ve also had intrusive thoughts involving people I don’t want to think about. When those thoughts happen, I feel scared and disgusted, but because I notice body sensations, my brain says, “What if this means you want it?” I don’t want these thoughts, but I get stuck analyzing whether the feeling means something. Sometimes I feel anxious, and other times I feel emotionally “meh,” numb, or like my body has been injected with something that makes everything feel muted. When I’m in that state, I worry even more that the lack of panic means the feeling is real or that this is the “new feeling” my therapist mentioned. I spend a lot of time comparing feelings, replaying mental images, checking my reactions, and trying to figure out whether I’m discovering something about myself or just experiencing OCD. I know reassurance only helps for a short time, but I feel desperate to understand what is happening because the uncertainty is exhausting.