Did anyone else experience constant resistance during the relationship? (ROCD)

Hi everyone, I'm wondering if anyone here can relate to something that has been confusing me for years. I was in a very loving relationship for 5.5 years. We shared the same values, wanted similar things in life, treated each other with kindness, and there was never a lack of love, respect or care between us. Yet internally, my experience often felt completely different. Quite early in the relationship I started doubting our future together. We eventually moved in together, but I never seemed able to fully relax. I often felt emotionally disconnected, tense, and constantly "on guard." Even ordinary things could trigger resistance. Coming home after work sometimes filled me with dread. Going on holiday together could make me anxious beforehand. Conversations and showing interest often felt difficult, and I found it hard to simply enjoy being together. When we talked about buying a house or having children, I would sometimes feel a powerful internal reaction saying, "I don't want this." Around 2021 something even stranger started happening. After periods of deep relaxation (vacations, massages) or after long walks or hikes, I would suddenly experience what I can only describe as a dissociative crash. I became emotionally numb, anxious and disconnected, and I would immediately start questioning the relationship. These episodes seemed to happen only when I was with her, which made them incredibly convincing. It felt as though my nervous system completely shut down whenever I finally relaxed. Because of this I started seeing a haptonomist to become more connected with my body instead of constantly living in my head. Later we spent almost two years in couples therapy. Anxiety was discussed, but the therapy was mostly focused on relationship dynamics rather than obsessive doubt or anxiety disorders. Eventually, our relationship ended during one of those sessions. Looking back, what confuses me is that I wasn't constantly researching ROCD or endlessly seeking reassurance while we were together. I definitely ruminated and doubted, but it wasn't nearly as obsessive as it is now after the breakup. Since the breakup six months ago, everything has changed. I haven't experienced the relief that I expected. Instead, my mind has become consumed by questions. Was this ROCD? Fearful-avoidant attachment? Did anxiety convince me I wasn't in love? Or was my nervous system actually trying to tell me this wasn't the right relationship? I now replay memories for hours, compare feelings, analyze every emotion and desperately search for certainty. I genuinely miss her. I have no interest in dating anyone else. I kissed someone else recently and felt absolutely nothing. Part of me even wants to reach out to her with a handwritten letter telling her that I still love her and that my biggest fear is losing her forever. When I write those words, they feel completely true. Then, a few hours later, my mind starts questioning whether I really mean them or whether I'm simply trying to convince myself. Can a relationship genuinely be loving, healthy and compatible, while your internal experience is dominated by resistance, tension and emotional disconnection? Can ROCD or anxiety create years of feeling unable to relax with someone you objectively love? I'm not looking for reassurance about whether I should get back together. I'm genuinely trying to understand whether other people recognize this pattern, because I rarely read stories that describe the resistance happening inside the relationship rather than only after it ended. Sorry for the long rant, but I felt like getting it of my chest.

Relationship OCD

ROCDmensch

Date posted: Yesterday

I have been where you have been. After my first relationship ended, I had horrible doubts even though I ended the relationship and I had constant obsessive thought and rumination about it. You are trying to find answers for something maybe you don't know the answer for yet or maybe will never know. For some of us it's really hard to deal with this uncertainty. Many things I only understand years after the relationship ended with lots of distance when everything didn't feel as urgent/live or death. Right now your mind seems to be in constant threat. Rumination is a habit very hardly to get over by yourself. I think you would benefit greatly from therapy because there most likely lies something in the past that has caused your responses in your relationship, and I might guess that you also had maybe quite the high expectations as to how you are supposed to feel in a relationship, overanalyzing your feelings towards your partner? People with rocd try to force feelings or get rid of unwelcome feelings as they seem a threat. The goal is to handle uncomfortable feelings and I can tell you that now that I have mostly overcome my OCD, and been in a healthy relationship for a while I realised that most things I felt in the first relationship where normal human experiences but my inner critic made them seem so so bad that they stuck. But feelings come and go. Hope this helps a bit. You made a lot of points that one could talk about. Wishing you all the best!

Layzie1986

Date posted: Yesterday

Hi ROCDmensch, thank you for the kind reply – I appreciate it. The breakup gave massive distance in more than one way the past few months. I was able to reconnect with my ex/best friend – who I had a very short but traumatic relationship with. Reconnecting with her was needed because stuff was still unresolved, but weirdly enough not something I was able to do during my last relationship. I am 39 now – which ofcourse does not help with the feeling of urgency at the moment. I don't feel like I went in with high expectations? More like – I have my reservations but I'll see where this takes me. But the truth is also that I have never been in a real safe relationship before this one. And from my earliest doubt, my girlfriend stayed by my side all the way. That is something so valuable that I came realise as well the past few months. And why I am seriously considering reaching out again, despite all the uncertainty I can still feel. But it can still scare me how I was not able to feel like 'home' in the relationship. How did you overcome your challenges and inner critic in your relationship?

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