Disgusted past memory

I just got a terrible past memory . When I was freshly I think 18 someone had added me on TikTok and sent me their snap and I added it stupidly and I was just curious and then I saw a post and by the way I was still school myself for an exam and then I saw a repost about something a grade or 2 below me and then i just realised what the hell and I had already had 2 convos I think and then I realised and I feel terrible and so guilty . I definitely removed and unadded and I don’t think there was any significant conversation at all but I’m not sure as either ocd and memory but this memory just came up and I feel so horrible inside so shameful and so disgusting . Why did I even bother texting back . I feel so dumb why did I add ??? So stupid and I don’t have that app snap anymore for 2 years . And I remember that phase in my life I did a lot of things for male validation after a traumatic experience with someone and I am so ashamed and I feel so guilty even if it was a small gap in age 2-3 years idk ?!!! I can’t be sure idk if I said anybrinf weird idk anybrinf I’m so worried and scared .ive gone through this traumatic stuff with older guys so idk why I am thinking I did something wrong it’s killing me inside . I know we grow and mature but I feel so dumb and stupid for the decline I made a year or 2 ago . This is just a to get off my chest but the first time I’m seeing I might actually be a disgusting person and it’s not just my ocd anymore

POCD

k88888s

Date posted: 18h

I know that feeling, and you’re definitely not alone. I’ve had memories pop up out of nowhere, and then I start obsessing over them because I can’t remember every detail and worry that I might have done something wrong or inappropriate. One thing I’ve learned is that OCD often latches onto the things we value most by filling us with guilt and shame. I’ve had to learn to sit with the discomfort of not knowing. Maybe I crossed a line, and maybe I didn’t, but I may never be able to figure it out with certainty, and chasing certainty only keeps the cycle going. It also sounds like your traumatic experiences with guys may be a trigger here, and I can relate to that. When you’ve been hurt, it makes sense that you’d be especially afraid of ever hurting someone else. The fact that this fear matters so much to you says something about your values, even if OCD keeps demanding certainty that we can’t fully have.

lavender1010

Date posted: 18h

@k88888s Thank you for your response this really helped me . You’re so correct about learning to sit with discomfort and shame but it kills me to try and do that cause I feel ill inside but I realise how important it is otherwise I can’t live . And it’s been 2 years and this randomly came into my mind and as I’m older now I feel that guilt more . And yes after a guy breaks you literally I remember I went off the rails genuinely messaging and talking to everyone without taking a moment to heal it was horrible to think back too 😭😭 But thank you for your advice I will definitely apply it into my situation 💗💗

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