It feels so real People talk about knowing “deep down” but I honesty don’t know And I’m scared if I say I’m straight I’m lying or if I say I’m gay I’m lying All I do know is I want to be with a guy eventually but it feels like I don’t even have feelings for them. And yet I don’t have feelings for women, I’m scared I’m going to though. Can someone please talk to me and help? :(

It’s 8:51 in the morning here and I barely slept last night. I’ve been so panicky last night. Do you feel the same way I do?

@annehatesocd Yeah it’s 3:53 am where I live and I’m so scared I’ve done a lot of things in my past and I’m scared i am

Also do you have loss of feelings and attractions for men? Like I know I had crushes on guys, cause I remember how I felt. Especially about the guy I love, I remember him putting his hand on my thigh and that was the first time a boy ever rlly turned me on and I was like “wanna go a little more in?” And I was so jealous when he would ignore me and talk to my best friends (really toxic relationship). And now hocd is trying to tell me that none of those feelings were ever real, I never liked guys as a little girl etc. it truthfully sucks.

I’ve read it and you don’t sound bi. If you want to be with a man than I think you can be with a man. Personally, I’ve never masturbated to girls. But when I was young I’d look at a girls chest and I thought that was proof for awhile but I never felt anything to it. I’m seventh grade I remember my friends starting to get boobs and I wanted to look like them, so I asked my mom to get me a bra with padding cause all my friends looked good in their shirts and I looked awkward. From this point of view, it sounds like an insecure 12 year old, which I was. Very. I also had a crush on a boy at this time, would have my first kiss one year later. But I never had a crush on a girl. I remember chasing guys around on the playground as a little girl, my friends would catch them for me so I could kiss them, I was playing princess and the frog with a boy and we kissed underwater when I was 6, I’d tell boys I thought they were cute, was obsessed with the Ken doll. But for me I was also sexually assaulted by a man for 2 years (7-9, a little at 6) and it messed me up. I lost all relationships w/ guys, my brothers, father, coaches, friends, any guy. And that’s when my ocd hit. I would think of anything but my life. Having cancer. The world ending (4 treacherous years of obsessing). My grades I was obsessed with. Writing stories. All of that. As I got older and puberty hit, my natural reaction was always to guys. One guy I liked was my guy friend at cheer and when I realized I liked him I freaked out but I’d flirt with him. Even if hocd has been around for awhile with me, there’s are definitely things in my past that can’t be explained if I were. Other examples, I would always play the kid when we played house. Or the baby. I also loved being touched by people (as I was abused and didn’t know any better) but would never touch others. At 11, I went to lake arrowhead with a friend (who now is gay) and i was minding my own business when she was like “Anne look” and next thing I know she whipped off her towel and I was disgusted and told her to put it on cause that was gross. It was very annoying, haven’t talked to her since (worse most uncomfortable trip of my life). But honestly, if you have signs with boys in your past trust that. Everyone did regular childhood experimentation. A girl whose straight and my friend and doesn’t know about my hocd had a husband that was a girl in elementary school. So honestly, even though I have hocd and as I say this I feel like I’m lying to myself, another part of me knows I’m not and saying that even caused a spike of anxiety in me. Sometimes it can be really scary (I’m terrified) but you just have to sit it through. And don’t test it becomes soooo much worse. I’ve been trying to stop. But besides that ya you just have to sit with it. Trust your morals and what you want. That can’t change. And for me, being abused made this 20x more complicated cause I always viewed sex with guys with anxiety, yet I like them. So if you have abuse as well in your past, try not to be too hard on yourself :)

@annehatesocd Thank u I’m sorry u had to go through that I can agree that things can make ocd a lot worse I tjink my porn addiction and the things I did as a child has made my esteem plummet and my interactions with guys and I’ve always had crushes on guys and wanted a boyfriend I just can’t stand ocd

@hiiiii Ocd is awful. I dealt with ptsd after and I always thought about the sexual abuse since I was 13 consistently. (Ptsd is a subtype of ocd in a way). Those few years after it, I know they happened but I was in denial about it and kind of just ignored it and obsessed about a lot of stuff. I was also going through a huge lawsuit and court stuff and more traumatizing at 13. And I have to become really comfortable with a guy to have sex with him and truly trust him. I can’t just sleep around like some of my friends do, 1) I have like barely any sex drive, 2) I am scared of sex cause one what happened and two ocd ?, & 3) I really have to like and trust the guy and only really one boy has had that, and we’re both Christian (I’m not as strict as him) and he wanted to wait until marriage (SO ANNOYING WHEN HE WOULD TOUCH MY THIGH AND I WAS LIKE IN MY HEAD MOVE INNNN). Even now my hocd is telling me I find him gross and want a girl, but I’m just trying to sit with it and disregard it. In a way I know these thoughts aren’t mine. It feels like my princess loving self that was boy crazy as a little girl is locked up and can’t come out cause of ocd. I believe one day it can and I believe one day it will with you too (if you have any relatable feelings to me). But I understand how hard it is. I was freaking tf out earlier lol

@annehatesocd Yeah I understand I just feel as tho I can never be happy because of ocd and I hate myself I always wished I was someone else

@hiiiii Relatable. I always wish I had an easier life and upbringing lol

@annehatesocd Same I wish I didn’t do the stuff I did and I feel like because of everything I did I’m in denial or repressing