struggling so hard

super huge long vent about my relationship with God & my OCD. ugh sorry its really long. its basically a run down of everything thats happened i feel like with each passing day i feel myself getting so much more distant from God, like each day im just buiilding brick after brick thats creating a wall between us that makes me want nothing to do with thinking or praying to Him. i dont know why im doing this. i feel like Christians would think im crazy. like "why would you do this? why would you want to be farther from Him?" i literally just feel so heartbroken from this endeavor trying to get closer to Him. so many tears have been spilled these past few months trying to get closer and feeling so frustrated from myself. im just so done with myself. i feel like ive tried everything and it breaks my heart going to church, watching sermons, seeing other Christians having God as their everything when its just so hard for me. the whole reason my OCD snowballed into this huge monster is because my apparent inability to have faith. i have had God literally talk to me and i still somehow can't comprehend that He is Lord. that he is GOD. it still feels fake. it makes no sense to me. i dont feel like i have faith or believe despite being given literal proof. so my OCD has developed so many hellish compulsions constantly checking if i believe, trying to strain my brain to believe, checking if im sinning, being scared over certain concepts like "the few elect", Hebrews 10:26, and of course, Hell, the end times... this is the worst my mental health has gotten. it breaks my heart seeing people feel like they discovered a best friend, a father, a mentor, Someone who cares for them and understands them more then ANYONE, and then theres just me who doesnt even feel like any of the Bible is real, despite KNOWING it is, trying to make it seem real so that i can HAVE HIM AS everything people see Him as. Id be lying if the only reason i wanted to believe so hard was just to have God as the all knowing, loving father He is. of course my main obsession is if i am going to Hell or Heaven or not. i've lost sleep over it from the anxiety, i have spent countless hours, DAYS, with Him being the only thing i think about from the moment i wake up to the time i fall asleep. i have tried SO hard. so hard. i have tried so hard to believe. i have tried so hard to have faith. so with all of this trying i have created such an association with God being the thing that triggers my fear, dread, anxiety, confusion, uncertainty that it makes it harder to pray to Him. i feel like my own worst enemy. i also just dont know what to do at this point. continuing to try and believe when i have failed for months feels like im knocking on a locked door that i dont know how to get into, i feel like it's now why im finding myself growing more distant. ive numbed so many of my emotions of fear towards Hell so that i can continue functioning. ive also tried to numb any emotions i have that might lead me to knowing if ive sinned. i feel like ive caused so much damage to my brain if i were to think of the one question i've probably asked God most throughout this entire 4 month period, it'd probably be "what do i do?". im realizing this is probably true for most Christians, but still, its just so highlight how confused and helpless i feel. seriously though. what do i do? at this point i dont know what. i dont know what to continue doing. i dont even know if God wants me anymore. i have so many blasphemous thoughts about Him that i cant tell if they are intrusive thoughts anymore. i feel like engaging with anything having to do with God makes me feel so nervous that im going to start thinking sinful things. my OCD makes it so hard to engage with anything having to do with Him. i feel like i sin less without guilt/awareness and it scares me. but when i tried to repent, it was so overwhelming and i felt so hyperaware of each and everytime i sinned, even in my head, that i just felt this deep and overwhelming fear this whole time. how do people do it? well of course, with The Holy Spirit, but i dont even know if i have Him. i have delegated thoughts like above hundreds of times in my head at this point. i felt like my mind was running on a loop for hours, days, weeks, never getting to a destination. i feel scared of disengaging. but i think both God and i would agree that it's not healthy to be thinking so obsessively and intensely about my salvation, being paranoid if ive sinned... so. yeah. I still dont want to be disengaged though. but i feel like the amount that i suffered when i WAS trying to put everything i had into trying to believe, into worrying about my salvation... i just felt absolutely miserable. i STILL feel miserable because i just know im going to die one day. im tired