Really suffering 🙁🙁 harm ocd

I’m having this weird feeling here lady few days like nothing feels the same anymore and like it’s all doomed, it feels like I don’t know what’s going on and I’ve become evil now 🙁 I keep constantly having these feelings like ‘imagine you got upset and killed someone’ and it feels almost like im considering it and it’s an option or could happen like an urge but it’s all day like that and I keep thinking about it. Then I’m laying in the bed trying to sleep and I keep thinking the same thing and ‘why am I sleeping’ what if I just got up and was evil’ and it feels almost like I’m evil and wondering why I’m not being evil and like to could happen 🙁 then I started imagining this stabbing thought about my mum and I was literally trying to imagine it and how it would happen then I started to get an anxious feeling in my chest and made myself feel like I had to go poop but it still doesn’t feel like I hated the thought and feels like I wanted to imagine it and almost like I want to do that and it could happen and I could suddenly get up and do it. It feels like I could act any moment and I don’t know what to do. I’m desensitised and feel like I don’t even know if I’m evil or good but the fact I keep imaging sick things on purpose and ruminating on it when normally I would be desperate to forget about it makes me think Its a desire and I’m actually evil and I keep getting this weird feeling like I should pull a ‘evil smile’ idk if I’m testing myself to see if I’m evil or if I actually am. 🙁🙁 I’m scared but at the same time feel like I’m crazy or would be evil

Harm OCD

Jrp1013

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2d

Not trying to reassure you but just remember, if it were real desire, you wouldnt even be worried about it! The more you focus on what you think is an issue which is your feelings that you dont like.. the more it gets worse and feels more real. The brain is weird. If you pay more attention to it, it literally gets stronger and indistinguishable sometimes. Harm OCD gets so real to where you dont know your values or morals anymore. Hang in there!

lu22

Date posted: Yesterday

@Jrp1013 I also have moments where I will be imagining a stabbing thought on purpose in detail imagining how it would happen and i don’t understand why I’m doing that almost like I’m curious about it and it feels like i must be evil because why am i imagining it on purpose I did get anxiety when imagining it but it still feels like a real urge. Also I don’t know but every second of the day I keep thinking ‘if I just acted on it anyways’ almost like it’s inevitable and I want that now and like I’m being hounded to ‘act on it’ and it feels like it’s from me and that I want it. I even told my mum it feels like a real desire and urge and now it feels more real after I told her. It feels like there’s no hope for me and I’ve actually become evil and want it 🙁🙁 normally I’m desperate to stop thinking about it and I’m trying to argue against why I’m not evil and I feel like I know I’m not evil but this time I literally feel I’m fully believing that’s me and it feels like an actual desire like I want it🙁

lu22

Date posted: Yesterday

@Jrp1013 It feels like something bad would happen and I would act on it on purpose because I’m choosing to thinking about it constantly 🙁

Jrp1013

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: Yesterday

@lu22 I do this as well! You are not alone

lu22

Date posted: Yesterday

@Jrp1013 Sorry to bother you, I just really don’t know how to deal with this and every night now I keep feeling like it’s gonna happen and like I want it and it doesn’t even feel like I don’t want it or I’m scared. Feels like a constant urge 24/7 and it’s like I don’t know why it’s not happening and it feels like it will happen🙁 and I’m thinking about it on purpose and that makes me think I am evil because usually I would try to get rid of them … I feel like I’ve changed and become evil 🙁 before I would just have intrusive thoughts and knew I hated them but this is something I’m doing on my own like a state of mind of feeling like I want to to do it and would do it and to just go and do it right now it’s like a feeling not intrusive thoughts and I’m not feeling really sad or desperate to get rid of it 🙁

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