Sense of Dread

Ive been dealing with OCD since I was 13 years old, for the longest time it was centered around rituals and counting, fears of death- things like that. I never realized I had ocd in my past relationships because I thought it was just basic anxiety, and it wasn't until I started a new relationship that rocd REALLY kicked in. It started because of a mistake I made very early on, which led to doubts, false attraction, and more.. I didn't know what it was at first, but once I did I was able to start going to therapy for it. I really love my boyfriend- he's funny, he always says the most outlandish things that make me giggle, even over text.. Seeing his smile warms my heart, I miss him constantly, I long to do boring things with him, I am attracted to him physically and sexually, and allllllll those lovey dovey things. But even despite these feelings I somehow still doubt my love for him.. I've spent countless amounts of hours feeling as if he wasn't for me, that I didn't love him enough, that there was someone better, that I forced myself to have feelings, and more... And it's especially frustrating because I HAVE genuinely tried to force feelings with someone in the past and my brain simply couldn't even register and absorb it at all, so I'm like ok well... I know how THAT feels, but this feels different And its like I know I love my boyfriend but the doubts wont go away. It's especially weird when ocd switches themes to cheating ocd or false attraction ocd and all of a sudden my feelings come rushing back and I feel ok again... But once I got over that hurdle it was back to feeling numb and confused. This morning I had a sense of false certainty and instrusive thoughts that told me it was over.. It was difficult to handle, and I've spent nearly the whole day shaking and crying in bed. I keep trying to be comfortable with uncertainty, but I honestly can't because each time I accept uncertainty and feel my anxiety ease, my ocd says "hey well because youre not feeling anxious anymore that MUST mean its all true then".. I can't stop crying at the thought of losing him. I can't even imagine my life without him or with any other person- everytime I see a video relating to love I think about him, thinking about our future comes easy. But it's like my mind has convinced me it's already over. When I see something that reminds me of him I start to cry and feel a deep sense of pain. When I think of him and our memories I cry again. Does anyone have any advice? It's so hard to deal with especially because I feel like deep down I know I love him, but also at the same time OCD tells me that I don't... The only way I know how to help myself is being around him. Its the only way my mind shuts off... Then once he's away all the doubts come back. I just need help... I hate dealing with this.