I feel alone

Lately, I sometimes feel this weird empty or blank feeling around him. It can feel like there’s supposed to be a warm, lovey-dovey reaction there, but instead there’s just an empty space. What makes me especially sad is remembering how I used to react before all of this started. I used to smile naturally at things he did, get excited over cute moments, feel more shy and affectionate, and have those strong “AWWW” reactions. I miss being able to smile like that so much. Now I can see something that I would normally consider cute and feel almost nothing. For example, I remember him calling me “baby” while talking with his friend. Looking back at that moment makes me sad because at the time I remember feeling empty or avoidant instead of getting the warm reaction I expected. Another time, he was happy that this girl that talks a lot him left today at school ( she yaps alot ). I expected myself to feel jealous, but instead I felt blank. I ended up asking him if he wished I talked/yapped to him more because I was trying to understand what I was supposed to be feeling. Sometimes I also notice embarrassing things he does, like accidentally tripping, getting confused, or getting lost about where he is supposed to go. In the moment I get a heavy heart , I don’t know why? My brain can focus heavily on those moments and make me think things like, “Does this make him seem less manly?” or “Why am I noticing this?” At the same time, another part of me is basically thinking, “Gosh, he’s my baby, leave him alone.” I don’t actually have a problem with him being goofy or imperfect. I also still notice things about him that I find cute or attractive, including his facial expressions and I feel sad and so maternal about it. Something else that confuses me is that I don’t always consciously feel desire before I do something affectionate. Sometimes I will unexpectedly touch him or randomly ask him for a kiss without first noticing a strong feeling of desire. It can almost just happen automatically, and afterward I may wonder why I did it or why I didn’t feel anything beforehand. I’m trying to understand whether the emotional emptiness itself is the main issue, or whether repeatedly comparing, monitoring, and testing my feelings is affecting how easily I can experience them. I don’t want a simple reassurance that I still love him. I want to understand the psychological mechanism behind why my feelings can feel so muted or inaccessible, why I miss my old reactions so intensely, and why my brain keeps treating the absence of a feeling as something I need to solve.I also want to understand why I can sometimes naturally do affectionate things with my boyfriend without consciously feeling a strong emotion beforehand, and whether that mismatch between behavior and conscious feeling is meaningful or can happen for other psychological reasons.i don’t know if this part of long term relationship but i hate this empty feeling